I'm amazed when I see it's been four days since my last post.
On a practical note, this last chemo has left me feeling more sick. My fingers are constantly prickly now (it's a bit colder here in general). The bottoms of my feet are drying and I'm rubbing lotion on them every few hours to keep them from cracking (more glamour here!) I seriously struggle the most with the sickness and lack of energy. I'm guessing every cancer patient gets frustrated when he or she just wants to be who they are - just wants to continue to live the life they had before. This has been (and continues to be) my greatest struggle.
I have been really blessed by an abundance of notes and messages and texts from friends. I even had a friend offer up a 5K race for me (that she was not interested in running) and it left me in tears because I feel so cared for by so many people. So many prayers, such incredible sacrifices, so much love...This has been my greatest gift in the cancer.
I did have an amazing encounter I'll probably write about a different time. Long story short is that I continue to have miraculous things happen that I constantly refer to as "weird." In all truth, I am not one of those people who walks around thinking everything is a supernatural statement. I grow uncomfortable with making everything "spiritual." I'm explaining this because I have realized something in all of this cancer/healing business:
I have made God very small.
I have been praying in that way my kids ask for candy and Slurpees after school, "Do you think we could get something since we were so good? It's been a really long day and we worked hard. Just a small Slurpee, pleeeeeease?"
I've been afraid to cross over to the crazy side of the fence where the people who really trust live. Those people everyone rolls their eyes at. That lady who says, "God will take care of it" and there are at least 10 smirks (1 from me). The Mother Teresa prayer-people who tell the story where "mother Teresa had no milk for the poor and she asked Jesus to take care of it and there was a mechanical accident and they had to cancel all of the public schools that day and the schools sent the milk to Mother Teresa." I know I'm not Mother Teresa, so somewhere in this cancer, I stopped asking for milk and trusting that God would send it.
I've been saying, "If you want me to go to heaven, I'll be ok ...but I'd rather stay."
I realized last Tuesday night that this is not a prayer. This is me telling God that if He doesn't want to take care of it, I'll be ok (I'm such a giver). I have made God smaller than my sickness. But if I believe in the Bible and what He's said (and I try), there are too many places where it says He doesn't want people to be sick. He just wants people to trust Him and love Him.
So, I am trusting that He wants to heal me. Crazy-wack-a-doo as that can sound, I am now standing with the "God will take care of it" lady. I believe that I need to heal some things in my heart and soul and that this will help (counseling). I'll keep taking medicine/chemo and eating the best way I can (just practical) and I will tell God that He needs to take the cancer (all 4 stages of it) since I'm "never supposed to be free from cancer."
I'm not going to let God be small in my life anymore. I'm not going to pretend He's not there just so people don't think I'm crazy.
I am going to read Psalm 91 with my husband and children every night:
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High,
who abides in the shadow of the Almighty,
will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress:
my God, in whom I trust.'
For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence..." (that's me, right there).
Peace Out.
Jesus, I trust in You.
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