Halloween (All Hallow's Eve) AKA single-most-frantic-day of the year

Our porch. The beer-pumpkin is Shawn's (just to be clear) 

It's become a norm in many of today's schools that they do not celebrate Halloween. I know many schools still do, but a number of schools choose to celebrate in different ways due to the diversity of the population. Also, some Catholic schools choose to celebrate Nov. 1, which is All Saints' Day, instead.

I am not against schools choosing NOT to celebrate a holiday if that serves the school better - what IS more difficult is that all of the schools my boys have attended have chosen to celebrate something different by allowing students to dress up in a different way either on Halloween or the next day. 

Case in Point: 

 Today is "presentation day" at C and H's school. H's class is currently studying the Romans, so all of the kids could dress as Romans today. Flash back to 11pm (yes...AT NIGHT) last night when Shawn and I are running all over the house trying to find anything that will make H look like a Roman. He, of course, vetoes everything deemed "uncool" (because he's 8 and I guess this matters now) and I am reduced to cutting up a very nice white pillow case to make a tunic (don't judge me, Pinterest crowd). Thank goodness my children have been obsessed with The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars for a while now, so we had a spare cape that made the cut. It was 22 degrees F this morning, so H had to add compression pants under the pillow case (I bet those Romans wished they had Under Armor!)

 Once at school, H was surrounded by his fellow Romans (with much more crafty parents) and his class recited the pledge of allegiance in Latin. At least, I think they did because the entire thing started 10 minutes early and I walked in during the clapping at the end. A nice mom I had just met videoed the presentation and H saw me... so it all worked out OK in the end.

It's 1 minute (plus a bit) long (and looks fuzzy), but enjoy!
(H is behind the girl with the teal blue striped toga  - on the right)

Roamin' with my Roman (ha ha - had to be done). 

C, on the other hand, insisted he wasn't supposed to dress up and ended up being one of 4 boys who did not dress like Incas, Aztecs or Mayans (the theme of his class). I have to say I was more than a little grateful to him. He had a paper mask, but he didn't wear that either. I won't add his class' presentation, because it's a bit longer and hard to hear (they each had a part). 

This brings me to our eldest child, whose school party and dressing up will happen tomorrow for All Saints' day. He's planning to dress up as Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati (one of my intercessors) but only because he's a modern saint and wore regular dress-up clothes. 

I don't think Dan will wear a suit, but there are other pictures where he's just wearing a nice shirt and pants. in D's words, "Better than a uniform!" Which might be news to all of you office workers who have to dress nicely every day. 

Now, of course my boys will be trick-or-treating tonight (I even moved my chemo to tomorrow for it) and they are going to be wearing 3 TOTALLY different costumes (maybe not D as he can't decide if he cares or not). They will be completely high on sugar but still have to wake up for school tomorrow morning. This week, we've had 2 snow days (3 for D), one presentation day, tomorrow will be another class party day and everyone will not have slept, be out of their minds on sugar and I will be entering a chemo-coma. 

I'm literally looking forward to Christmas Eve because it will be so much more peaceful - even with Mass and last-minute wrapping and the fact that my brother's family will also be here and it will be crazy. But at least they can all wear whatever they want (after Church clothes, of course). 

Chemo #8 tomorrow morning. All those Saints and my saintly friends and family are praying hard because chemo is awful. Scans #2 next week, so I'll keep you posted!! 

An Update of "Normal"

I have been slow to post this week only because everything has been so fun and normal. I absolutely love the week before Chemo because the side-effects are pretty low and my energy is high and our lives get so "busy and boring."

I have chemo on Friday (Nov. 1 - All Saints' Day -the feast day of all of the "unnamed Saints" in heaven). A number of us have been praying a novena (where you pray 9 days in a row) that this chemo #8 might be the last one. I know, Tom, I will be patient even if it doesn't work out that way 😏

A few "Bridgette-weird" things are that a missionary we sponsor (through FOCUS) sent us an update letter but ALSO included a little note that she had found a necklace with saint medals at a garage sale and thought God wanted her to send it to me. The medals are of St Peregrine with a relic on the medal (He is the patron saint of cancer warriors) and St Lucy (who I had a dream of the night before).  Right in the middle of our novena to All Saints. Shawn and I both got a little teary-eyed.

Also, the podcast we listen to with the kids each day had a prayer from St Alphonsus Liguori (my guy) which he said each morning to welcome the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit.

I just felt like those were kisses from heaven for me as I wait on this chemo #8 on All Saints Day. My heavenly cloud has got me for sure.

And here are just a few snaps of what we were up to this weekend:

 Friday Night Bishop Machebeuf v Englewood HS Football (Go Buffs!! They won!!)

 Saturday morning soccer (with another family who we'd seen the night before)

Sat night family pumpkin carving at Uncle C and Aunt S's house!! 

 bringing out the drill (serious business around here) 

 Hard at work (Aunt S on the right is a serious artist). 

 Cousin collection (minus baby J)

 H's monster

Baby J in all her smiley glory!! 

 Colorado weather! This is TODAY! 

 Thank you, Jesus, for seat warmers and 4 wheel drive and late start days and Colorado drivers being so safe this morning (at least where we were) 

Now, I'm off to pick up crazy from school (all of them) and bring it home! 

"Jesus" Saves

Shawn had already seen this, but I have to post it because it is such a fun story.

This story is on most major news wires today, so it could be old news and you might have read it somewhere else. But it snowed last night and I've got a boy home for break and I feel great, so a cut-and-paste is what you get today :)

A Minnesota runner's bib turned out to be more prophetic than he ever could've imagined. (Oct 6, 2019)

Tyler Moon, a 25-year-old General Mills customer operations specialist in the Minneapolis area, entered a 10-mile race earlier this month with a faith-filled message that turned out to be true to his life. 

"So, before the race, my name was originally on the bib," Moon told Fox News. "One day I got a thought -- I thought it was from God and that it should be a profession of faith -- and changed it to 'Jesus Saves,' so that another runner or someone in the audience would see it ... that Jesus saves us for eternity."

On race day on Oct. 6 -- a Sunday morning -- he "felt really good" after eating breakfast, ready to run the race in his orange Wheaties t-shirt with his bib pinned to his shorts: "I'd been looking forward to this race for a while."

The former college football player, who has no history of heart trouble, was running eight-minute miles until the eighth mile, when he collapsed, cracking his head on the pavement, according to the St. Paul Pioneer Press.

Thankfully, a runner named Jesus "Jesse" Bueno, a Lakeville registered nurse anesthetist, was right behind him and quickly helped save his life, alongside another colleague and other medical professionals, who performed chest compressions and assisted his breathing until the ambulance arrived.

Moon's heart -- which he is set to give to Amy Greene, his fiancé  in January -- is just fine.

"When I originally put 'Jesus Saves,' I was hoping that it would help people at the race and in Minneapolis," he said. "I had no idea how far it would go and how it would impact the world ... That's just something I never expected but God's plans are way greater than anything that I could ever think of."

Now he encourages everyone to help others just like he was helped -- big or small -- "just to serve one another."

I love this guy. 

A note from a friend & Pope St John Paul 2

Today (10/22) is the feast day of Pope St. John Paul 2 (the Great). When I was 21, I spent a semester in Europe and was able to to to Rome and see JP2 and took this picture. I was standing on a chair and holding up my camera (when we still used film) and somehow got this image. It's really special to me even if I can't fully express why. He was a very holy man and he loved God so much. I asked JP2 to pray that we would have a baby and very soon after, I was pregnant with H. I know this man is still talking to Jesus for us. I believe he is interceding for me still.

I get a lot of notes and cards and emails and letters from friends and family and I wish I could copy them all here because they are really special and filled with love and memories. Today, I got a short email from a friend. She reflects on small meditations every day and today's was written by St Alphonsus (my man) and she thought of me. It struck me that it really continues with what I was praying about yesterday...that we find our holiness (or purpose) in what is real.

"...when anyone came to the Fathers of the desert and desired to be received by them he was asked: 'Do you bring an empty heart that it may be filled with the Holy Spirit?' And they were right, for a heart filled with things of earth has no room for the love of God. He who brings a vessel filled with earth to the spring will never be able to fill it with water until he empties it of the earth which with it is filled. How does it happen that so many pray and go fervently to Holy Communion [or to Church services] and still make no considerable progress in the love of God? The reason is doubtless because the heart is filled with self-esteem, of vanity, of self-will, and of attachment to creatures. He who wishes to arrive at the perfect love of God must practice poverty in spirit. He must be detached from worldly possessions, from temporal honors, from his fellow creatures and from himself." 

Real. Real is simple. We (I) read a lot of books and articles about "simplifying my life and my home and my office" but I rarely think about simplifying my soul. I think that if we live in the moment, where God is, we will naturally start to detach because we'll be living what is real...The real is solid. It humbles us, challenges us - takes us to a new place.

I have been saying "empty my bucket" and I know God will.

The mountain I have to move is in that bucket. The earth of myself. I have been learning to let it go (because it might really all go sooner than I thought) and then I am filled with the moments I am living. And those moments are where I find God. Where I find what is real.

chemo +5 days - good news & gross news

....Coming out of my "chemo coma" today and I'm happy to share that the chemo board decided that I can have my colostomy reversed (no more bag) during my next "chemo break."!! [The specific dates of the chemo break will depend on scans and the results.] This has brought a very excited joy to my life.

 For clarity, as a Stage 4 cancer patient, the standard thought is that I will never be finished with chemo...so breaks between treatments are just that. But "I believe I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Ps 27:13). I prayed this verse for God to send us children and I pray this verse now that I will see them grow to adulthood. An adulthood where I do not poop into a bag (ha).

Speaking of which, I want to share simply the grossest thing ever. My bag exploded all over our bed this weekend. Yes, all over me and near enough to Shawn and all over my bedding (which I love). I share this because I think people sometimes hide embarrassing events. We pretend they don't happen. We act like everything is perfect and working out well and that "it's all good" - our kids don't fight, our marriages aren't hard work, our families are totally in love and "Hallmark movie" perfect. But  sh*& happens. It happens quite literally in my case. It's embarrassing and yucky and is so much the opposite of who I present to the world. So I share it because I want you to know that your Sh*& does not scare me or horrify me or scandalize me. You are trying so hard (or you are thinking of trying hard). Your real is so much better than anything you can pretend.

I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians this weekend (mindless chemo-coma shows) and I have never watched the show before. I am a little fascinated with Kim's husband, Kanye West, and the "Sunday Services" he plans. But, mostly I started watching because these people are all so beautiful and a little silly and seem to spend most of the time trying to figure out why they all feel the way they feel - and they love-fight a lot. I wondered what would happen to a show like that if someone had a colostomy bag...or cancer...or a baby was born with Down syndrome or autism. They seem like strong women so I think they would rise to the occasion...but I was thinking how much more interesting the show would be if real things happened - not made up problems about ex-boyfriends and getting drunk and sloppy. Or crying over twitter feeds. Real life is so much better than trying to be perfect. It's hard--- but it's so good.

That sends me back to my friend St. Alphonsus:

...Let us bend our energies to serve God in the way he wishes. This remark is made so that we may avoid the mistake of him who wastes his time in idle daydreaming. Such a one says..."if I were to go away from here, leaving friends and companions, I would devote long hours to prayer." If, If, If, --all these If's! In the meantime such a person goes from bad to worse. These idle fancies are often temptations of the devil, because they are not in accord with God's will...we should rouse ourselves to serve God only in that way which he has marked out for us. Doing his holy will, we shall certainly become holy in those surroundings in which he has placed us. Let us will always and ever only what God wills; for so doing, he will press us to his heart. 

I never thought cleaning poop off of my bed would be the quickest way to holiness...well, not since the boys were babies. So real = holiness.  So much easier than the complicated stuff.

A little more of my "real" 

C and Kirby 

 D was a "cereal killer" at the 8th grade Halloween party this weekend

 H went to the coolest "fire station breakfast" birthday 

 My oncology nurses are just amazing women, and I asked if I could post them 

 The prep cart before I get my blood drawn (to see if I will be ok for the chemo)

The second nurse getting me ready for the big stuff. 

The Serenity Prayer

I had spiritual direction today and we talked a lot about the "immensity of God," how all God wants is for us to open our hearts to Him and to accept His love (which takes humility and letting go). At the end, Father told me to start reciting what is considered the full Serenity Prayer used by people in Alcoholics Anonymous. He was commenting that the difficulty we all have with God is actually that we are addicted to distraction. We all know we're going to die, so we spend almost all of our time avoiding death (and suffering) by giving our minds and hearts to things that cannot, ultimately fill us. And then we spend our time trying to figure out our emptiness...and some people are so saddened by our small emptiness that they become depressed or angry or just lost. Mother Teresa was often saying that the greatest poverty of the 21st Century is loneliness.

It is hard to turn to God because He is always in the present moment and sometimes, we don't like our present moments...so we run.

Like, I have chemo again tomorrow. My present moment is making dinner for my boys and helping with the world's largest pile of elementary school homework (thank you, Classical education) while trying to find a minute with Shawn. I am loving my current present moment, cancer or not.

Chemo is not my present moment, but its upcoming effects haunt my mind. My director was saying that God is not there. Not yet. In about 15 hours He'll be there and that is where His power to help me will be. If I spend this present moment worrying, it's not God's Will. I'll miss this moment, where He is. Right now he gives me love and a warm house and good friends' texts and messages. Today, I am not lonely and all of the love is very real.

Tomorrow, I will be fully in the Hand of God who has promised to save me from my sickness. I will pray and sit and talk with Shawn (we are so sad that we have "chemo dates," but we love the quiet time together). I will see my fellow suffering "man groupies" and we will joke about side effects and what we eat. And I will trust in Jesus and His love.

"You shall serve the Lord your God, and I will bless your bread and your water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of you." Exodus 23:25

I pray this every time I eat now. Cancer sufferers are obsessed with what we eat. There are a lot of theories about what is best to fight the cancer. I have chosen to believe that God will bless my food. I still eat as well as I can...but I had 2 mimosas and shared a basket of French fries the other day and I recited this verse as my prayer.

In my present moment, I am serving God. He was totally there when I was having the drinks and fries and a serious talk with a new school-mom friend. Just like He'll be there "taking sickness away" when I am worn out by tomorrow's chemo. When my hands clamp up with neuropathy. When I can't eat anything (or don't want to).

When I just wish I was back helping with homework.

But God's not in the past. He's not in the future. He's just. right. here. So this is where I'll stay.

The Serenity Prayer: 

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, 

and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, 

If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Had a homemade play dough day this week. We haven't done play dough for years (C was embarrassed you might see he's still only 10). It was very special to me as I'm sure we won't have many of these young boy moments left as they are all very cool and sporty now. So I eat up pretending they are still in preschool. 

 gingerbread play dough waffles and "bacon" - I should probably teach them to make the real thing.

My very cool boy asking me not to post pictures of him enjoying this :) Sorry, baby. 

"We live as we pray" - Jacob's ladder and our hips

*This is long and philosophical - just a head's up*

This song has been a running soundtrack for me lately 

So, every day, the boys and I listen to a podcast on the way to school. It's called "Catholic Sprouts" and it's 8 minutes of really good stuff. I use it as our religion class since they attend a public school now. I'm not sure the boys are getting a lot out of it, but it's been amazing for me personally (and they are actually learning & praying a lot because of it). I wholeheartedly recommend it.  Podcast/website

This week the podcast has featured lessons on the Trinity and the short lessons have perfectly entwined with my personal prayer to the point where I feel like God is more real to me this week than my actual daily activities.  Case in point: Tuesday's lesson was on the immensity of God. Like, how we honestly can't wrap our brains around God (which is my guess as to why people refuse to believe He's real). She (the podcast speaker) used the story of St Augustine where St Gus was trying to figure out the Trinity while walking on a beach. He ran into a little boy who had dug a hole and was using a bucket to fill the hole with water. The boy would run to the water over and over to fill the hole. St Gus asked what he was doing and the boy said, "I'm trying to bring all the sea into this hole." Of course, St Augustine said, "That's impossible. The hole can't contain all that water." And the boy answered, "It is no more impossible than what you are trying to do - comprehend the immensity of the mystery of the Holy Trinity with your small intelligence." Then the boy disappeared. 

The podcast ended with a "challenge" to take 3 quiet minutes and picture the most immense thing we could think of. H and I both pictured the universe (although we can't really picture the reality of its size either). It was an incredibly important 3 minutes to me because I was also able to picture how incredibly small I am compared to anything as large as God. All of these concepts challenge me. I want to understand everything...but they also give me peace because I can accept how truly tiny I am and that my failings are just to be expected. God doesn't expect understanding. He just wants love and trust. And those two things are so hard for this typeA-child-who-can-study-and-understand-everything-just-try-me. Love and trust are challenges. 

Which brings me to Jacob. Jacob was the guy in the Bible who stole his older brother's birthright by tricking his dad (jerk); was tricked into marrying an older sister (Leah) when he wanted the younger sister (kinda' deserved it); he also married the younger sister (because you could in the Old Testament) and basically loved her more (Rachel); Jacob had to run away from his father-in-law (they make up before his families leaves) and journey to try and reconcile with the aforementioned older brother (Esau). The best part in THIS story is that this is the man God chose to call, "Israel" (as in "the people of Isreal" and the current entire nation of). For some reason, every time I pray, God whispers the similarities of my life experience and Jacob's experience (I mean this in all humility that I identify with the bad choices. I'm not setting up a nation or anything).

At the beginning of the Journey (when he's running from his angry older brother), Jacob sleeps out in the open and has a dream that "there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold, the Lord stood above it and said, 'I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your decendants...Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go..."(Gen 28:12-22).  Now, I'm guessing from his past behavior that Jacob had pretty much been living his life and not really thinking about the God of anybody, so he was understandably freaked out by this dream and takes the rock he was lying on and makes it an altar and promises to make this altar God's house and to give God a 10th of everything he has if God's promises come true (always the negotiator).

Being told that I have a disease that I will probably, eventually die from was similar to a nightmare or a giant dream where I was suddenly confronted with whether or not I truly believe in that ladder (for Christians, Jesus fulfilled the promise of and is the ladder see John1:51)  and I do identify with the fact that this has made heaven and God more important topics in my life when I was genuinely living happily with my fun and busyness. Fun and busyness aren't bad, but I truly believe God wants more from me.

Which leads to the next big event for Jacob - While he's waiting to meet with and reconcile with his big brother, Jacob sends his two wives and 11 children and all that he possesses ahead of him (it doesn't really say why). He is then "left alone; and a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day" (Gen 32:24). Jacob is doing pretty well in the fight, until the man "touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint." The man says he has to go, but Jacob demands a blessing. The man asks Jacob's name and when Jacob answers, the man says, "Your name shall no more be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and men, and have prevailed."

I know it really only matters to me, but I think of this story every time the doctors talk about the mysterious place in my hip that could be cancer or could be healing (still no MRI but I don't know why and don't press it yet).

Because the Church teaches (and most Bible scholars, really...I'm not sure about the Jewish teaching on this story but I will study it) that this is "a symbol of prayer as a battle of faith and as the triumph of perseverance (CCC 2573)" which is "marked by trust in God's faithfulness and by certitude in the victory promised...(CCC2592)." And who is this battle with? Against whom? "Against ourselves and the wiles of the tempter who does all he can to turn away people from prayer, away from union with God. We Pray As We Live, because we live as we pray...the 'spiritual battle'... is inseparable from the battle of prayer. (CCC 2725)

So all week (as my hip has felt better than it has in months), God has been telling me that He's Bigger than I can imagine and that He wants me to see Him and trust Him and believe I'll have the victory because I am constantly wrestling and asking for a blessing. He wants me to pray the way I live and live the way I pray. I was not paying close attention to God before all this; but I know He understands because I am so tiny. He's letting me wrestle because I must battle before I can be more than what I was. I think God wants this from everyone. I think He loves us enough to keep trying to get our attention so we can just let go and trust. And that takes prayer. We have to battle. 

Colorado Fall

I think we are really lucky if we end up living in the place we were always supposed to live. I moved 13 times before I graduated from High School (proud to be a military family, Dad!), so I know a thing or two about longing for a permanent home. Who could have known that that the perfect place for me would be Denver, Colorado? (obviously not Shawn and I since we've lived in 5 cities and 2 countries in our 19 years of marriage). 

I have absolutely never been happier with my "Place" as I am with my sweet little family in Denver, Colorado.   I "coincidentally" read an article at my acupuncturists' office about "forest bathing" - that it is healing people to spend time in nature. I am being healed (thank you, God) and I know one of the reasons I am being healed is spending time in spaces like this: 

Our "big tree" (that's our house)

My daily walking path in my neighborhood. Hallmark should seriously think about filming fall movies here. 

            

And one of the best/worst things about Denver? The amazing fall/autumn season can turn in one day to winter. FYI, I took the fall pics yesterday and these pictures this morning: 

Same street, morning snow. 

Drive to school (ugh, snow traffic and people proving they can still be speed racer in the snow).

But the snow is absolutely beautiful, will burn off in the next two days and has the added bonus of cancelling flag football practice so that our evening is less hectic. Good old fall snow...

Finally, for an update on how I'm doing (seems so narcissistic to me - so thanks for reading). I still have some side-effects this week (the cold is reeking havoc on my fingers) and everything tastes like sand (this ruining of the tongue and taste buds seems like a common chemo problem and I've heard it wears off eventually). This "not wanting to eat" leads to a general nausea that I'm positive is linked to basic hunger (but feels like a bad pregnancy mostly). Shawn was on a work trip for a bit (victory for normalcy!) but now he's home to insist I eat regardless of feelings. Also...my big victory this week is the fact that for the past few days I have totally felt "like myself." I'm active and social and making plans and connections and organizing and cleaning and doing dishes and laundry and yelling at kids about homework and swearing and their terrible love of vulgarity (yeah, young boys!) 

And I'm also proud that I'm back to working out (we have a Peleton Bike and love it). I was able to do a class today and my hip didn't hurt at all! This is a big step since we still don't know if it's cancer or healing in my hip socket. Good to get the oxygen either way. And my close friends will know that it's an insane psychological bonus that I weigh exactly 20 lbs less today than I did on this day last year. Cancer is not a diet plan that I'd recommend...but for some reason, I'm still happy about the weight loss (sorry, Dr. NP).  

Here's me with a shirt that was a gift that says, "Kiss My Grits" which is just totally hilarious to me for some reason.

** I plan to write a second post today because I've had some wonderful spiritual experiences this week, but I wanted to get this basic info out there first. 

Jesus, I still trust in you. 

Loving the weather & can't wait to ski, so Thanks for today. 

Melancholy Monday

Mondays after chemo tend to be melancholy around here. I spent the last four days basically asleep (or at a sporting event or Church for an hour or so and then asleep).  If there is one most difficult thing for me, it is feeling sick or tired or "down." It's entirely against my nature and can completely flatten my spirits. I entered prayer today just looking at my prayer-space and saying, "You must be here, God, because that's when my spiritual director says you are closest to me...when I can't feel anything at all and I have to just trust." So, I watched a beautiful video of Dodie Osteen (look up "Healed of Cancer") where she explains her total healing from cancer (when she was given only 3 weeks to live - she was 48 when diagnosed and is now in her 80's). The video was something I wouldn't normally watch...it's a much more dramatic expression of faith than is my norm. A lot of "Texas" with accents and some drama. A lot of clapping. But I needed to hear it all today. I needed to be reminded that miracles still happen. They happen all of the time.

And, of course, I turned to my friend St. Maria Faustina (her feast day was on Saturday; but I was asleep). And I thought about the fact that this real woman was writing down her real experiences in the 1930's  and that I can read them and ask that my experiences of God be as real.

I read:

622. Jesus gives Himself to the soul in a gentle and sweet manner, and in His depths there is peace. He grants the soul many graces and makes it capable of sharing His eternal thoughts. And frequently, He reveals to it His divine plans.  

626. I felt I was in His hand like a little child, and I heard these words in my soul: Do not fear anything, My daughter; all the adversaries will be shattered at My feet. 

And some happy pictures of my boys this weekend. Living life to the full.


D is home from DC; C with a buddy watching the Rockies; H (#4) playing flag football.

Post chemo #6 and Feast of St Francis of Assisi

Yesterday was a quiet one for me. Spent most of the time talking with Shawn and praying during chemo. I was sent to sit on the other side of the room, so I missed my "man-group" buddies. But, they all stopped by to ask, "what are you doing over here?" as they would leave. I met a few nice friends on the "other side," and I was able to pass out more info on the Fenbendazole (yesterday's crazy supplement) to a lady with stage 4 pancreatic (pancreatic is tough). I don't ever tell other cancer patients about the Fenben because we get a lot of crazy recommendations already, but she asked me what supplements I take, so I went with it.

As I was praying, yesterday, I was asking God to cover my T-cells (the good ones) with the blood of Jesus and picturing that the chemo was rushing through my body washing the bad cancer cells away into my ostomy bag (it's really important to picture the cancer cells leaving or they decide to squat somewhere else and that's bad). I have learned a good deal about visualization (I have brothers who are basketball coaches and use a lot of visualization) and that the body often can't tell the difference between what is "real" and what "we visualize as happening." So, I was visualizing God putting teflon around my good cells (to keep away side effects) and the chemo rushing away with the cancer to this ridiculous bag at my abdomen. The funny visual that came to me through all of this was that Jesus was standing next to me using "Dr Strange" (from the Marvel movie) powers.  Jesus would use his hands to "lift" the spots of cancer out of me and wad them all into a ball and set them into my ostomy bag to be flushed out.

Bottom line is that I feel really good today. Much better than last week already (although Fri & Sat can be good days because of steroid lingering). I had a bit of the arthritis in my forearms and hands, but it's not overwhelming like last week. I'm going with Jesus as Dr Strange on this one.

I wanted to also give a quick shout out to St. Francis of Assisi (whose feast is today). I think we have/had a lot in common (only the first part and the sickness...but I'm trying!):

"No one loved pleasure more than Francis; he had a ready wit, sang merrily, delighted in fine clothes and showy display. Hansdome, gallant, fun and courteous, he soon became a favorite of the young nobles of Assisi...the very king of the frolic. But even at this time Francis showed an instinctive sympathy for the poor." Francis went to war and then struggled with illness, where he seems to have had a conversion of heart. He decided he wanted to be married to "Lady Poverty" and had beautiful visions and messages from God.  He had many amazing things happen, then notably traded clothes with a poor beggar and began preaching love, penance and peace in Assisi and the area around Assisi while begging for simple food, rocks to rebuild churches that were falling apart and for things to give to the poor. He lived in a little hut near Assisi in a town named "Porziuncola" and soon had a number of followers who would go into the town square and give away all of their earthly possession (and get robes of beggar's cloth like Francis). They would then build huts and follow Francis. These followers were eventually called the "Friars Minor" (The littlest Friars)." 

It's all such a beautiful story, it's better to read the long version here: St Francis Story I have loved St Francis for a long time, but mainly after college at the Franciscan University and then when I spent a semester in Europe (Austria) where we took a 10 day trip to Assisi and I was able to see the actual places of his life and St Clare (his cousin who followed him and began an order of sisters in Assisi).

I always feel as though this sickness and the practical sides of it have brought me to such a deeper place, that I can only hope that I can come through the other side (I'm assuming now) and begin to do even more to help others. I don't think I'll lose my love for "fine clothes" or "The frolic" but I would like to find ways to help the poor and desperate and lonely even more.

And maybe after "Dr Strange Jesus" gets rid of this cancer, he'll be able to show me where to start. This blog is just the first thing :)

Healing Bible verse of the day:
Deuteronomy 30:19 "I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live."

Yeah, I choose life.
Jesus, I trust in you (Dr Strange or classic version)
Salve Regina.

A View in to my supplements

I'm just getting ready for chemo #6 - I feel great this morning and I've already helped C with his homework, ordered groceries on-line for Shawn to pick up and had a text conversation with D (who is on a week-long class trip to Washington DC). Life totally goes on.

It's been a busy week with life, so I have been posting much less. Here's to life, my friends. It's messy and tough sometimes, but it's awesome.

I have wanted to write a post on the supplements and alternative meds I'm taking for a while. I saw a meme that said that "your journey can turn in to someone else's roadmap" and I like knowing what other survivors did, so I will quickly document what I am doing now to help beat this cancer. This is really for research/scientific types:

I'm going to start with the craziest one first. A friend of mine who had her own brush with cancer was researching alternative treatments and came across this blog from a man named Joe Tippens  https://www.mycancerstory.rocks. I would encourage anyone interested (or who knows someone with cancer) to read Joe's blog and do your own research. Shawn and I read this when I was first diagnosed and we spent 3 days researching and then ordering products. Long story short-- Joe was given 3 months to live (terminal lung cancer) and then was connected with a vet product researcher at Merck. The researcher had found that when they de-wormed mice (used for cancer studies ) using this product, injected tumors wouldn't "stick." Joe had nothing to lose and started using it. Within three months, they could find no evidence of disease in Joe's body (NED). He has been totally cancer free for 3 years. Joe put all of his information out there and it's free and accessible to everyone. If you're questioning, you really need to read the blog (click on the link above). There are many people who have documented total cures while taking this product. It's a very long story and detailed, so reach out to me if you'd like to chat about it. The chemical is actually called "Fenbendazole" and it is generic (so no Pharma company will test it as it would be a waste of money for them). There is a sister drug known as "menbendazole" being tested at MD Anderson and other major cancer centers.

I've been taking this dog dewormer for 13 weeks now (so I don't have any worms) but I do believe that it's helping and aiding the chemo with the removal of my cancer. There are no side-effects so it's really a case of "what could it hurt?" My oncologist knows I'm taking it and she's actually excited to see how it might help (she's great).

 

Along with the Fenben, there is a protocol of supplements that I take (Joe's protocol). CBD oil; excellent e (basically all the vitamin e's in one) and curcumin (the chemical in turmeric). There are many anti-cancer properties in each of these. There is a great resource to Joe's protocol on Facebook. If you research his blog above, there is a link to the FB group (it's a closed group so you have to ask to be included).

After diving into the alternative treatments, I read this book:

This book is written by a woman who was also given a terminal diagnosis in her 30's. Because she was a researcher, she began researching why the cancer (that everyone has in their bodies) was somehow being "fed" by her cells. She has found "pathways" of the many types of cancer and gives recommendations as to how to block those pathways. Mainly, this is through diet but also "repurposed drugs" - drugs that are not known as cancer fighters but are patented for other things. She has been cancer free for 20 years. It's a fascinating book and I've included some supplements from her recommendations. This is a pretty technical book at the end. I'm still parsing through a lot of it. Some of the drugs need prescriptions and that will be something I look into after my next scans.

 

These are things I take because of Jane's recommendations: 1) baby aspirin. Did you know that there are extensive studies that taking a daily aspirin can actually prevent cancer? (2) berberine - which has been found to block all cancer pathways and starve them, similar to a recently developed chemo addition known as Avastin (3) grapeseed extract - grapes are one of the most potent cancer-fighters. This is also why a glass of red wine is perfectly healthy (a glass, not a bottle - though it's my preference :) Not sugary blends but high-quality reds are pretty good for you (but so are all natural grape juices & plain grapes, so go with what you prefer)

My oncologist recommended three natural supplements (B 12 not pictured). Lots of
evidence that these help with chemo side effects and energy. Alpha Lipoic is also a blocker (but oncologists can't say that because they can be sued for recommending something that "doesn't work" - also the FDA regulates every single thing they prescribe.) These were recommendations from my doctor and I think help me bounce back well after chemo.

My acupuncturist (I'm totally down with the ancient Chinese medical practices) recommended the above supplements. Evening Primrose to keep the moisture in my body (chemo dries out extremities really quickly). It has totally worked for me. Also, she supplies me with a blend of Chinese herbs that help during chemo &/or radiation. I have the list of what's in it, but unless you can read and understand Chinese, I'm guessing it won't help you - Sally, maybe your mom and help us!!) I also use a Chinese herbal mouthwash to help keep away mouth sores (complimented by daily Lourdes water, of course!)

Last 2 things: the IP- 6 that cleans out dead cells (gotta get them out once they're dead) and a book that is completely diet based.

Take-away tip - EAT A RAINBOW. GET PLANTS ON YOUR PLATE! Diet-wise I am 90%/10% eating a plant-based diet (with occasional - like once a week - wild-caught fish or organic chicken). I eat A LOT of carrots (these are another major cancer fighter) and dark berries (same). Green tea is the #1 cancer-fighting drink, so I always have a glass of this on hand. Pretty good with steamed almond milk. The one thing I cannot seem to quit is cheese. Cheese and a glass of wine are from heaven, I think....so that's my huge splurge. Hoping the dog de-wormer can help with any bad side effects from that.

We are all focused on eating only "Whole Foods"ie: less than 5 ingredients (so not really processed).

I'm a little late right now, so I have to run!
Pray for my chemo today.
I am fighting as hard as I can with my brain, my heart and my soul.
I still think Jesus is doing most of the work.

*post was edited to "clean it up" and add some detail after yesterday's rush.