For clarity, as a Stage 4 cancer patient, the standard thought is that I will never be finished with chemo...so breaks between treatments are just that. But "I believe I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Ps 27:13). I prayed this verse for God to send us children and I pray this verse now that I will see them grow to adulthood. An adulthood where I do not poop into a bag (ha).
Speaking of which, I want to share simply the grossest thing ever. My bag exploded all over our bed this weekend. Yes, all over me and near enough to Shawn and all over my bedding (which I love). I share this because I think people sometimes hide embarrassing events. We pretend they don't happen. We act like everything is perfect and working out well and that "it's all good" - our kids don't fight, our marriages aren't hard work, our families are totally in love and "Hallmark movie" perfect. But sh*& happens. It happens quite literally in my case. It's embarrassing and yucky and is so much the opposite of who I present to the world. So I share it because I want you to know that your Sh*& does not scare me or horrify me or scandalize me. You are trying so hard (or you are thinking of trying hard). Your real is so much better than anything you can pretend.
I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians this weekend (mindless chemo-coma shows) and I have never watched the show before. I am a little fascinated with Kim's husband, Kanye West, and the "Sunday Services" he plans. But, mostly I started watching because these people are all so beautiful and a little silly and seem to spend most of the time trying to figure out why they all feel the way they feel - and they love-fight a lot. I wondered what would happen to a show like that if someone had a colostomy bag...or cancer...or a baby was born with Down syndrome or autism. They seem like strong women so I think they would rise to the occasion...but I was thinking how much more interesting the show would be if real things happened - not made up problems about ex-boyfriends and getting drunk and sloppy. Or crying over twitter feeds. Real life is so much better than trying to be perfect. It's hard--- but it's so good.
That sends me back to my friend St. Alphonsus:
...Let us bend our energies to serve God in the way he wishes. This remark is made so that we may avoid the mistake of him who wastes his time in idle daydreaming. Such a one says..."if I were to go away from here, leaving friends and companions, I would devote long hours to prayer." If, If, If, --all these If's! In the meantime such a person goes from bad to worse. These idle fancies are often temptations of the devil, because they are not in accord with God's will...we should rouse ourselves to serve God only in that way which he has marked out for us. Doing his holy will, we shall certainly become holy in those surroundings in which he has placed us. Let us will always and ever only what God wills; for so doing, he will press us to his heart.I never thought cleaning poop off of my bed would be the quickest way to holiness...well, not since the boys were babies. So real = holiness. So much easier than the complicated stuff.
A little more of my "real"
C and Kirby
D was a "cereal killer" at the 8th grade Halloween party this weekend
H went to the coolest "fire station breakfast" birthday
My oncology nurses are just amazing women, and I asked if I could post them
The prep cart before I get my blood drawn (to see if I will be ok for the chemo)
The second nurse getting me ready for the big stuff.
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