A Christmas and New Year's break 2019

I am quickly checking in during the holiday craziness to say that I have not stopped blogging...just living life right now - and it's been wonderful.

Also, I feel really well and I've even been skiing!

Can't believe that the 2010's are over. It still seems like 1980 was a few years ago.

Here's what we've been doing over these 11 days:

 Happy Christmas Day 

 skiing with cousins and my boys in the Colorado mountains. 

 ugly sweater Christmas with our almost 11 year old!! 

 Early "almost Christmas" with cousins from Portland!! 

 "ugly sweater day" at school

 "early Christmas" with Grandma D and Grandpa J.

 Hot chocolate break during the ski trip

 "The Night Before Christmas" with Aunty MA and Uncle S! 

 Grandma and Grandpa eating a feast provided by Sonia M (the best)

Christmas morning in my new favorite head-gear

 Sistas for life

Our kids (and cousins) ruining the glass at a restaurant after we saw the new Star Wars movie. 

Just a few snippets of our holidays. Off to the cabin today to see some Grady family!! (We've missed you!) 

From December 31 last year (2018)- (I have a prayer journal from every year and read the old one to see what was up): 

"The one desire which should move us should be, first of all, that of seeing him face to face who is now hid from us..." and "...why should we rest in the world, when it is the token and promise of another?" (Bible in a Year, pg 134). 

Incredible, that I would live these statements in a real way just months later. 2019 I have tasted real mortality. I have been challenged to accept that I will be leaving the earth sooner than I expected (even if it's 30 years from now) and practice silence so that I can meet the "unknown God" in a real way. So that I can know and trust in Him and experience His love. 

Happy 2020. I'm praying for you to find joy this year. For you to be safe and secure. For your family to be whole. For all of us to "be not afraid." 

PET #3 scan results & Chemo #11 +1

Short one today since it's chemo day +1 and I'm a bit tired...but I've gotten a few messages and know it's time. Thanks for praying and waiting. 

Side note that Nashville visit and doctor were amazing and exactly what I was hoping...but that will get i's own post ASAP. 

Dr Cantrell (in Nashville) was the first of all of my doctors to tell me that I actually have "a very aggressive form of colon cancer". The cells are "non differentiated" which means that they are mutating quickly enough to not be easily diagnosed as colon cancer anymore.  I realize now that this was why I've had a few doctors speak to me as if my death was imminent. I guess from a practical stand-point, they were justified in their negativity. It might seem weird, but I'm really grateful that Dr NP (my oncologist here) has always said that my cancer is "serious" but "people's bodies are different and you can't know how they'll react until they do or don't." She (Dr NP) has always been positive - I knew God brought us to her and I have the scans to prove it. 

So, Dr. Cantrell was going over my results with us while we were in Nashville and Dr. NP went over them with us before chemo yesterday...so these scans are well covered. 

First, my colon is appearing like a totally normal colon. This means that my rectal tumor seems completely gone. There was no activity there and no activity in the lymph node near it. Both doctors said to assume there are micro cancer cells remaining (but just to be clear, I have resigned myself to knowing that I will have micro cancer cells remaining for the rest of my life, which is where Dr. Cantrell comes in - more on that tomorrow). But, the amazing news is that my rectal tumor and cancer activity there are gone. Your prayers have power. 

Next, my liver remains completely clear. Cancer still gone. 

I have one chest lymph node that lit up on the scan but both the radiologists and my two doctors think that this is inflammation, not cancer. They think I might have a little chest cold/winter issues because it didn't react the same as cancer. We'll watch it but Dr. NP was like, "I don't think it's cancer" (and this is her specialty). 

The 3 hip mets (tumors) are still there, but have significantly shrunk. Their slow change was explained as "blood flow - so chemo flow- is slow to bones. It's working, but more slowly." Dr NP is adding a bone med to my next (and hopefully final) chemo (#12) which she said has shown promise with both bone strengthening as well as attacking cancer in the bones. I am totally peaceful that it's all going the way it should. That silly hip (with my spiritual thoughts on it) does not surprise me. 

So plans going forward? Best news is that I will take a "chemo break" for sure after #12 (on Jan. 9, 2020). At least a month off of chemo. I will meet with my GI doctor who will run the tests to confirm the positive news about my rectal tumor. Specific prayers are begged that he finds nothing - nada - zip and will let me move forward without any removal of my rectum. I'll talk more about that all later. My goal is that I will have one surgery that will reverse my bag and I'll be back to using my rear for what it's intended (twerking and being patted by my children, obviously). 

These upcoming months (Jan - March) will be BIG in all of this. A quick background that Dr Cantrell is the doctor who has been using repurposed FDA approved drugs to cure his cancer and continue his own life for 19 1/2 years. Dr NP has already committed to continuing my blood work and scans here with her practice regardless of what we choose. As a Standard Care Oncologist, she will be recommending life-long chemo in some sort (we discussed it yesterday), and I will remain open to God's will in all of this (He's been good with making things clear for cloudy-brain me). 

All I know is that GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME. Today's Gospel (read at all Catholic Masses throughout the world today) is the one where Mary tells the angel, "Behold, I am the Handmaid of the Lord, let it be done to me according to your word." I always picture Mary just looking at the angel and basically letting go of control (and she was a well-raised Jewish girl, so control is in her DNA). She was young, unmarried and God was giving her this baby...and she was like, "What?...OK..." Cancer is nowhere near as awesome as a baby, but the subtext is the same. When I first got my diagnosis, I knew God had a reason He allowed it to happen (not caused it - that's the stupid devil who hates us). I told God I'd do what He wanted and believe this was not about my imminent death (because I really didn't think it was or is). I never knew until this week that my cancer was aggressive. That those doctors were really serious when they told me to "get my kids into counseling." They were even probably right in a world-based way. I just keep saying "...ok..." and following my gut and prayer. God led me to Dr NP (who is amazing and open and frazzled b/c she cares) and then Dr Cantrell and maybe my helping to find a new way to fight cancer (a way cheaper- very-low-side-effects way, FYI)

In a nutshell ("look, it's me in a nut shell!") I had amazing scans, an outstanding reaction to chemo over the last 8 weeks and a hopeful visit to Nashville. 

Your prayers are working. They are creating miracles for me and my little family. I am overwhelmed by love and generosity...it's a seriously powerful Christmas time here in Denver. 

Lastly, please pray for 2 babies who are very important to me...my precious God Daugher, Charlotte (17 months) will need to have a second open heart surgery to repair a valve that has given out. 

Me and Char...

Secondly, a wonderful young missionary couple we sponsor had a miraculous (this deserves its own post) adoption happen this last week. Their little baby, Xavier, also needed open heart surgery which Xavier came though safely but he will be in recovery for the next 3 weeks. Please pray for Xavier and his mommy and daddy (I'll need to check with them about posting anything more). 

It's a wonderful work-up to Christmas here. Now to wrap presents until I pass out (literally) and hope these side-effects keep at bay. 

In the Bleak Midwinter Christina Rossetti (written Jan 1872)

A favorite poem of mine is also a classic English Christmas carol. So perfect and quiet right about now.  (No results yet...but waiting is good)

In the bleak midwinter

BY CHRISTINA ROSSETTI

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,

Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;

Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,

In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, Heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;

Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.

In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed

The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Enough for Him, whom cherubim, worship night and day,

Breastful of milk, and a mangerful of hay;

Enough for Him, whom angels fall before,

The ox and ass and camel which adore.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there,

Cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;

But His mother only, in her maiden bliss,

Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.

PET Scan #3 (no results yet) & our plans to see a specialist in Tennessee

11 days until Christmas and it's been non-stop around here!

First, Shawn worked his sharp-focused magic and got the lines untangled so that I was finally able to get that third PET scan yesterday!! We should get some results by tomorrow (definitely Monday) which is perfect timing because I have an appointment with the re-purposed drug specialist in Nashville on Monday and Tuesday.

Just to recap, Repurposed drugs are standard medicines that are already used to treat different health concerns than cancer. Example: I am currently taking 600mg of Tagamet (cimetidine) a day. Tagamet is used to treat serious heart burn and it's over-the-counter.

The specialist I'm seeing has also discovered a lot of research that this drug blocks cancer from spreading (metastases).  He has been doing serious research and working with patients for many years who are using repurposed drugs to keep cancer from growing or spreading even in Stage IV and aggressive cancers. Shawn asked our "favorite cancer doctor question" of "how many of your patients are still alive and for how long?" and this doctor has a number of patients who have lived for over 10 or 20 years using these repurposed drugs and treating cancer as a chronic disease similar to diabetes or HIV. This was very exciting to us considering that my only other major option seems to be life-long chemo, which is not my first (or 100th) choice. And my one goal is keeping cancer away or controlled for the rest of my life. 

At this point most people ask, "Why have we never heard about these other drugs?" And the only answers I can come up with are that (1) it's amazing what you learn when your life depends on it, and (2) follow the money. These drugs are far cheaper than the $48,000 that my current chemo is costing our insurance. I am not cynical by nature but there is not a lot of money in treating cancer with repurposed drugs. I will understand a lot more practical things after we go see the doctor next week, which is also why I'm not posting his name or info yet. We're pretty confident I will work with him, but need to see and speak to him first-hand to know we're sure. 

So, Shawn and I are off to Nashville, TN from Mon-Wed. I will try and blog from there because I think this is all so interesting and you might be interested in the alternative cancer treatment as well. I've never been to Nashville, so I'm also excited to have 3 days alone with Shawn in such a fun city. 

As far as the rest of our lives, my parents are here to help and visit before Christmas (yeah! family) and Shawn had his colonoscopy and will be writing a guest blog/PSA about it soon. We are participating in the "adopt a family" program where you give another family their Christmas (presents and groceries) and everything is due today. We hosted an amazing "Date Night with Fr Nate (Nathan)" with our dear priest friend and a good amount of couple-friends and it was a fun "cocktail and encouragement" evening (Whew)! It has been figuratively "raining and pouring" with events and God's grace. A true miracle is that I feel better than I felt a year ago at this time (chemo side-effects excepted). I have energy to stay up past 9:00pm - even until 1am one night!  (which is new this December) and I am busy making plans for what 2020 will look like for us. I literally don't have time for cancer anymore, so I'm excited to see if this doctor can help me get back to my new "girl on a mission" life. I trust Jesus has healed me and I'm just waiting to see the results of that trust. I know "hope does not disappoint" (Romans 5:5)...but, sadly, hope still doesn't wrap Christmas gifts, go to chemo for me or make Christmas dinner, so I'm as busy as you for the next 11 days ;)

More tomorrow! 

Our Lady of Guadalupe

Today is a very important Catholic Feast Day for the Americas (All the way from Alaska, through Northern Canada and down to the Águila Islet of the Diego Ramirez Islands - which are Islands below South America - That is because today is the Feast day of Our Lady of the Americas aka: 
Our Lady of Guadalupe. 

Now, your idea of Our Lady of Guadalupe may look something like this: 

...basically, pretty pictures of a lady plastered all over the size of someone's truck or van (most likely someone of Hispanic origin). Maybe you've never thought about these pictures before...but they are important enough to learn a little bit. 

First, a tiny bit of background (from the blog get fed - click on the name to get more details): 

The Blessed Virgin Mary appeared to St. Juan Diego in the 16th century in present day Mexico City, Mexico. Juan Diego saw an apparition of the Blessed Virgin on the Hill of Tepeyac on December 9, 1531, which happened to be the feast day of the Immaculate Conception in that time. Our Lady requested that a church be built on that site, which Juan Diego dutifully relayed to the bishop.

After a request by the bishop to prove her identity, Our Lady asked Juan Diego to gather roses that were growing on the hill (which were neither native to the area nor in season) and take them to the bishop. Juan Diego obeyed and placed the roses in his tilma (or cloak) to carry back to the bishop as evidence of Our Lady's appearance.

Upon opening the tilma to reveal the miraculous roses to the bishop, there was something even more miraculous present in the tilma—a striking image of the Blessed Virgin Mary. 

In the image Our Lady wears the traditional garments of an Aztec princess.  A black sash around her waist was a cultural tradition among the Aztec women that indicated pregnancy.  All the elements of the image point to Our Lady as being above the gods the Aztecs worshiped, while at the same time showing that she herself was submissive to the true Creator God while being pregnant with the Divine God-man that grew in her womb.

By using only cultural symbols and no words, which the Aztec people could read as a codex, the miraculous image on the tilma spoke the truth of the Christian faith that the Spanish Catholic missionaries proclaimed. A mass conversion of millions upon millions of Aztecs to the Catholic faith soon followed—ending the human sacrifices, especially child sacrifices, that they practiced...

The Tilma (what Juan Diego was wearing) is still available for viewing at the Cathedral in Mexico City even 500+ years later. It has been studied many times (by non-Catholic scientists) and the image has proven to be almost like a nuclear blast that was projected onto the fabric. Shawn, D and I were able to visit the Cathedral & image right after learning we would adopt C.  We have always believed that Mary's prayers to Jesus were answered for us with our second son.

Here is the actual image and the explanations of what each symbol means:

Almost wants to make me put the supernatural image on my car. I might just go do that.

Chemo #10 +5 & some Luke healing verses

Contrary to my past post (bummer), I had a lot of energy for the day after chemo but was sidelined with fatigue as Saturday and Sunday moved in. I have that pump of 5FU that I wear until Saturday afternoon and - somehow - after Shawn disconnects it, I have waves of fatigue and just need to sit and sleep. I saw a number of people at church as we made a quick retreat toward the door - so I apologize if we ran out. I needed to sleep (and was very hot in my winter hat that I wore during Mass).

But it's Tuesday and so I've bounced back (as much as I'll bounce with the side-effects of super cold sensitivity).

Our family has still been reading a chapter of the book of Luke every night (full disclosure that we doubled up one weekend night because we all needed sleep). I have been completely struck by the amount of healing Jesus did. Seriously, if Jesus isn't telling everyone to love one another and work to demonstrate love (charity), He's basically healing people. It's somewhat of His identity in Luke (side note that Luke was a doctor, so he probably focused on the healing because it was so incredible to him personally). And these healings are not the often "poo-pooed" miracles that "modern medicine can heal now" (like that mattered to the people who were healed)...these are some "raising people from the dead" and "curing everyone in one fell swoop" whoppers.

All of this detail matters when you have cancer. Because I know that Jesus is the same "yesterday, today and forever"- so these healings from the ancient past I claim as my present and future.

Here's a list FYI:

Luke 4:38-39 - Jesus heals Simon's mother in law of a fever

Luke 5: 12-16 & 17-26 - heals a leper; heals someone paralyzed

Luke 6: 6 & 17-19 - heals a man's withered hand; "...power came forth from Him and healed them all"

Luke 7: 1-10 & 11-17 - heals the centurion's slave (from far away b/c the centurion said "only say the word and he shall be healed"...familiar?); and raises a widow's son from the dead.

Luke 8: 26-39 - heals someone possessed by a demon (sends them into pigs)

Luke 9: 37-43 - heals a boy possessed

We're only on book 10 today...and so I plan to read about healings until Christmas. And I will continue to be amazed by things I just skimmed over before. And the truth is that whatever you need to be healed from, Jesus wants to do that too. You don't need to have cancer, obviously.  Jesus only wants us to have faith and trust (no pixie dust required, Tinkerbell).

Once again, I'm back to St Faustina's diary: 822. ... my part is to love Him to folly...

Trust and "loving to folly" that's my current cancer plan. And we're going to keep reading Luke, of course.

Chemo #10 +1 day!!

All this week, I have been asking God that I would like to have the energy to do daily prayer and just be available for the boys (I missed them in other chemos when I would spend days sleeping/resting).

I can say 100% that He answered this prayer.

I didn't spend all day sleeping yesterday (I slept through all of the chemo, though). I rested a lot but I was able to talk with the boys and hear about their days. I didn't feel totally sick when I was awake and the side-effects are similar to all previous treatments but - somehow - I have energy.

Last night, the boys crowded around Shawn and I on our bed and we read Luke 5 (we are reading 1 chapter from Luke all through Lent. There are 24 chapters, so it will end just in time). It was a grace that it was a shorter, readable chapter and each of the boys offered to read a section.

I was totally struck by verses 12 & 13:

Now there was a man full of leprosy in one of the towns where he was; and when he saw Jesus, he fell prostrate, pleaded with him, and said, "Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean."  Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, "I do will it. Be made clean." And the leprosy left him immediately.

"Coincidentally", I read about 30 short Bible verses about healing every day. They are printed out on filing cards and I flip through then and hope to memorize them eventually.  It's how I begin my prayer time.  Two of these verses are Luke 5: 13 &14 and I have a note underneath the verses that says, "Jesus has never changed. He is the same Jesus who healed this man. He will heal me too."

I think we start to imagine that Jesus is a story book character, like Peter Pan, Tom Sawyer, or Harry Potter (if we think about Jesus at all). He was this nice guy a long time ago who loved everyone, said some pretty good things and was crucified and then we're just not sure.  Even many Catholics and Christians I know live as though Jesus is a character in their life story...but not that He is a living supernatural being who is still acting powerfully in our world. I know that I had fallen a bit into this thinking. Or, I was just not really thinking about it at all... Doing the best I could, living a busy life, expecting it to just keep going the way it was.

I think Jesus wants much more from me. He wants me to know that He is ALIVE. That my last post was that I would just "lay at the feet of Jesus" and trust and then, the next day the verse was a leper who "fell prostrate" (at the feet of Jesus) and was cured. I can't make this stuff up. It is my lived reality.

Jesus is the same. Always. We are the ones changing, ignoring, choosing not to believe in miracles. But the best part is that Jesus doesn't care about our weaknesses. He keeps after us. He did not cause my cancer (all evil is from the devil or people cooperating with that evil), but I believe Jesus allowed this cancer so that I can proclaim miracles and love and that He wants to live forever with everyone. And as long as I lay at His feet and plead with him, He will grant what I ask out of love.

And I get the bonus of making dinner for my family and energy for things like this.

Thank you for everyone who reached out yesterday. I think that this love and care is as healing to me as everything else.

 I love blog pictures, so here are a few from this last week

Our advent calendars (the middle is marvel pop up figures, which are fun)

 C and Shawn & cousin Brady when to the Bronco/Charger game (W!) with our good friend/neighbors. 

 I celebrated a 2nd Birthday party for one of my closest girlies (who I know reads the blog so this is all love to you, K). 

 We decorated/argued as we put up Christmas decorations. But it was still fun.

He'll hate this pic but needed one of D! 

 Our advent prayer table

 Christmas chaos as we go!! 

12

Chemo #10 tomorrow

Today, I did 5 loads of laundry and totally cleaned out our office (last year's homeschool classroom). There was a time that those activities would have made me tired and irritated. Today, I am just so excited and happy to have that kind of energy. It was a total gift to spend the day working (with an added bonus of running a grammar book to school that was forgotten...that's still a little irritating, honestly).

I put a quick post on Facebook that I've lost my hair (well....that I'm mourning the loss of my hair). To be clear, I still have hair...but it is very thin. You can see my scalp through my hair. The pictures I post here are "Hollywood magic" because I am wearing a hair piece in most of them. My stylist (fancy name for hairdresser) bought, cut and colored a hair piece from a company called "hair U wear"  (click on the name to see what products they have). Julie (my stylist) is a total gem. I promise to do an actual post on the hair piece because it's pretty cool even if you don't have cancer hair loss. I'm totally keeping it so that I can look like a Kardashian post chemo.

Suffice it to say that most of the time, I walk around with a cap of some sort on my head (this is a sleeping cap:

The fake hair lets me look like this (FYI, all of the long darker hair is the hair piece...the thin light strands are mine: 

I love my stylist, Julie, and I am so grateful for her persistence in finding something that would make me feel confident when I want to dress up (or just ditch the cap). Even during cancer, I remain a princess at heart.

Tomorrow I will have my tenth chemo treatment. I have been mentally avoiding it and relishing the extra week off. I don't feel "better" per se, but I have had a lot of energy and drive to get things done (so I've done about 50% of what I planned - ha).

Today in prayer, I held on to these two readings. The first, from Hebrews 10:35 - "Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward..." and then a reading about Christmas from the Catechism (of the Catholic Church which is like our text book of what it means to be Catholic):

526. To become a child in relation to God is the condition for entering the Kingdom. For this, we must humble ourselves and become little. Even more: to become "children of God" we must be "born from above" or "born of God". Only when Christ is formed in us will the mystery of Christmas be fulfilled in us...

I will embrace chemo like a child. I will assume that there will be cartwheels someday and that healing is in my future. In today's Gospel (Matthew 15: 29-37) it says ..."They placed them at His feet and He cured them..." a good precursor for tomorrow. I still believe Jesus is healing people who are placed at His feet. That's me.

St M Faustina told Jesus that she wanted (782) "to worship you with my very weakness..." So, I might cling to my hair, but my weakness will be all for Christ.

(Chapter 4 of Luke and 4 mins of silence...)

Best Advent Ever & Listening

This morning, I am scrambling to get things done. SCRAMBLING. Because I know that I have chemo #10 in 3 days (Thurs.) and I will be out of it for at least 3 days after. It's making Christmas prep & house prep and "just.life." a bit more rushed.

Yes, I know I can just blow it off - that I have a great excuse this year to do way less. Ironically, all I want is to NOT blow everything off. I want to celebrate and love and buy great presents. I want to finish my "to do" list because I love every second I am able to do anything at all.

Because I had an extra week off from chemo, I also have more energy than normal and I am craving time with friends and family (it was so wonderful to spend time chatting with my cousin that I could only cry when she left. I was so grateful).

One quality I love in people is the ability to let other people speak. I have so many close friends who LOVE to chat and share. I love this about them...but something I've also noticed is that so many of them are also careful listeners. They share excitedly, but they also listen with love and know when to wait and just hear. My husband is really great about listening (duh, he married a woman who barely stops talking)...

This all leads to an Advent video I watched this morning. It's from the Best Advent Ever series by Matthew Kelly and it's wonderful. The theme of today is that "You have no idea of what you are capable of." If I could sum up my current spiritual state, it would sound just like this 3 minute video. If you click on the link below, you can watch it. I am really inspired...but peaceful too because I believe I am just where I am supposed to be and doing just what I'm called to do.

Best Advent Ever video


Chapter 2 of Luke today and 2 minutes of silence!!