Thankful and Advent plans

This will be a quick, picture-filled blog. It's very cold here (snowy the last few days) but any chemo side-effects have been calmed with fun and being surrounded by love. It's been so wonderful to have my cousin and her friends. Also, Thanksgiving with Shawn's side of the family (OUR family) was awesome. I have been feeling good (with some "bag" issues) but happy to have a week off from chemo!! 

Tomorrow, Sunday Dec. 1st, Advent begins. I wanted to ask anyone interested to join me (and our family) in reading one chapter from the Gospel of Luke for the month of December. There are 24 chapters, so you'll finish just in time for Christmas. Also, I'm going to have one minute of silence tomorrow and add a minute every day until I'm silent for 24 minutes on Christmas Eve. God speaks silence. This is a good chance to let him show you (and myself) He is there. If you are new to being silent, it's best to be silent in the way you were created. If you are a person who loves action, take a walk (with headphones maybe) and be totally silent while you walk. If you are "chatty" or "verbal", say the name Jesus (or God or Holy Spirit) when you are finding your mind wandering. Begin with asking God to "show me that you are real" and let your mind be as silent as possible. 

This is a quick recap of our past week. 

 Two days of snow and over a foot landed in our yard! 

 My cousin, S, loved us all up with her crazy chatty personality. 

 We had a few days of family togetherness thanks to snow days and Thanksgiving break! 

 S, her friend G and daughter, D came for dinner Wed (with our favorite Fr. Nathan also!) 

 I'll do a post this week on my favorite Christmas gift so far, extra hair (like a hair piece) from my stylist, Julie. Also loved spending time with my oldest boy! 

 Dinner Wed night 

 We also spent the day at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo - one of our favorite places. 

 Click on this picture to see the Tiger between the boys. 

 Always fun having dinner with the Grady family for Thanksgiving. Here's Grandpa! 

 Traditional family picture. We're missing Uncle C, Aunt S and the babes.

 My gorgeous niece, P

 Two C's (they share a name) fooling around. 

 Love. 

S feeding giraffes and loving the animals! 

2 Peter Challenge and a Very Special Visitor

First, my cousin, S (to the left of "hipster me" in this picture) has come to spend Thanksgiving with our family (but mostly me...ha. ha.) S came from Southern California with one of her best friends, G and G's daughter. S and I are first cousins and we both don't have sisters (only stinky boys always), so she has been like a sister to me - maybe closer. The best illustration of our relationship is the fact that they arrived around 2:00pm yesterday and S and I literally did not stop talking and sharing until midnight (once again, poor Shawn took care of everything like dinner and bedtime). And S and I will spend the next 5 days doing exactly that. There are just some relationships in our lives that are all gift and S is one of those gifts to me. I am so grateful to see her and spend time. She overcame a terrible fear of flying just to come and be here and my Thanksgiving is completely filled with Thanks two days early.

On to the 2 Peter challenge. I meant to post yesterday because it's a 7 day challenge...but oh well. I was reading this reading (2 Peter 1:1-11) yesterday (the words might be different in your Bible but they'll mean about the same thing):

"But to obtain a share in God's nature, you will have to do your utmost yourselves, adding:
goodness to the faith you have,
understanding to your goodness,
self-control to your understanding,
patience to your self-control,
true devotion to your patience,
kindness toward your fellow men to your devotion,
and, to this kindness, love..." 

This struck me as the perfect way to challenge myself this Thanksgiving (which can be chaotic and manic with visitors and preparations and people around who we don't usually see or interact with).
Anyone anywhere and any age can do this challenge. Here it is:

Monday (sorry it's late - double up if you can!)  I will do one good thing.
Tuesday (today), I will work to understand others
Wednesday, I will practice self-control (will help with the pre-cooking desserts!)
Thursday, I will use patience (so perfect for Thanksgiving, right?)
Friday, I will be devoted to Jesus all day and looking for ways to offer love to Him
Saturday, I will work to be more kind
Sunday, I will celebrate Love (of family, friends, the fact that Advent is starting).

There is no way to do this challenge wrong. It's all up to what you (and I) can do today. I am blessed to be surrounded with people I love this week, so maybe they will have to be patient with me...but I'll look for ways to complete each challenge every day. And it will be easy to repeat this weekly challenge all Advent until Christmas...it's a basic plan :)

 Here are a few more shots of everyone visiting

This weekend, we also had a busy few days! C was in a 2 day basketball tourney (they did very well)

We also had the pleasure of attending a beautiful wedding Sat. Our kids had to crash after our babysitter (D) went out with friends!

 Our buddy, Fr Nathan sat with us and basically joked around with my boys. Men...seriously. 

 Thank goodness one of my besties was there too!! 

 Lastly, it snowed about 12 inches last night (at least). S and C were out early shoveling for everyone. 

I seriously have the best husband and kids on the planet (feel free to argue your case b/c I'm sure you do too!!) 

 Making tracks like the movie "The Shining" in our driveway. I made the hot chocolate ;)

Ordinary Time(s)

**edited once my husband read it**
All is Well here in Colorado - despite the snow then 70's then snow and rain. It's Fall for us all.

For Catholics, "Ordinary Time" is coming to an end this Sunday (11/24) and a new church year begins with the  Feast of Christ the King (this happens every year. I'm not talking about the apocalypse or anything). Then...Advent begins 12/1 and the slow roll to Christmas (it's not slow...I'm kidding). 

I've been enjoying knowing I won't have chemo until Dec. 5th and it's amazing how even little things are causing a great amount of joy for me and my boys. 

Shawn and the boys took a cool hike with the youth group

 We live in a Hallmark movie. These are pictures from downtown Littleton, CO. It's seriously quaint and beautiful. 

 We were surprised with seeing good friends at C's basketball tourney today. (This pic is for my brother, Sean. This girl is in 8th grade and over 6' (so is her mom). She's phenomenal and a wonderful girl). 

 C's team did really well for only their 1st and 2nd games. 

 My precious cousin sent me two gifts that have brought me a lot of comfort and joy. I love you, LK. 

We are in a winter wonderland for fall. The cold is tough due to side effects, but is still really beautiful. 

Sometimes, I feel as though I'm doing nothing but "recovering" from all that is happening with the cancer. Then, I read my spiritual friends and this is what they say: 

St. Faustina (758) - "Although exteriorly a thing may be quite ordinary, it is the different manner [in which it is carried out] that only the eye of God catches." 

and St. Mother Teresa - "Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you - you can't begin to know who He wants to be for you..." 

I have come to know how much Jesus thirsts for a relationship with me...and so these ordinary times have become quite extraordinary. And I am so grateful. 

Lourdes

Today I am 5 days out of chemo and, for the first time, I feel really good 5 days later and have great energy to get things done. Maybe it's the amazing messages and texts and visits I received these past three days that have really helped. Maybe I'm getting better. I choose to believe both.

Maybe it's the Hallmark Christmas movies (ha ha - that's for my friend, MBU).

 MBU showed up with "butter braids" of yummy goodness yesterday. Yes, we've already eaten one for breakfast. We didn't know about this holiday treat but we're addicted!!

 Shawn makes sure that something that "grew from the ground" is on every plate of mine and the boys. ("On the negative 34th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - a butter braid and a pear") I hope the fruit cancels out the sugar.

 I had a lot of plans to get things done yesterday, so - of course - someone had to come home from school with a sprained ankle. It wasn't swollen, wasn't warm, didn't look hurt - but I knew that #2 (C) feels love when he is taken care of dramatically....so I ignored the ridiculous co-pay and took him to urgent care.

This is a picture of a perfectly healthy ankle, FYI. 

We left with a $50 ankle brace (co-pay) and stories for C to tell at school about his basketball "injury." I have to say that sometimes irrational care-taking is totally worth it. C's cup is very full today and it only took 2 hours of my time to show him I would go to stupid lengths to make sure he's healthy.  I like to believe that God loves me like this. He makes "all things new" for me every day completely out of love. He sits with me every day just to fill my heart. It was a totally crazy act of love on my part but made me really happy yesterday.

This morning, I've spent most of the morning filling out an application to the Order of Malta because I was recommended for a trip to Lourdes, France in April. [Oh, there's going to be a lot of Catholic explaining with this one...]

First, the Order of Malta:

The Sovereign Order of Malta is one of the oldest institutions of Western and Christian civilisation. A lay religious order of the Catholic Church since 1113 and a subject of international law, the Sovereign Order of Malta has diplomatic relations with over 100 states and the European Union, and permanent observer status at the United Nations. It is neutral, impartial and apolitical.

Today, the Order of Malta is active in 120 countries caring for people in need through its medical, social and humanitarian works. Day-to-day, its broad spectrum of social projects provides a constant support for forgotten or excluded members of society.

It is especially involved in helping people living in the midst of armed conflicts and natural disasters by providing medical assistance, caring for refugees, and distributing medicines and basic equipment for survival.

One of the things The Order does is bring sick people to Lourdes, France for a pilgrimage for healing.
Why Lourdes?

In 1858 in the grotto of Massabielle, near Lourdes, France, the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared 18 times to Bernadette Soubirous, a 14 year old peasant girl. Mary identified herself as The Immaculate Conception. She gave Bernadette a message for all: "Pray and do penance for the conversion of the world." The Church investigated Bernadette's claims for four years before approving devotion to Our Lady of Lourdes. Lourdes has since become one of the most famous shrines, attracting more than a million pilgrims each year. There have been thousands of miraculous cures at this shrine.

When Mary appeared to Bernadette, Mary told her to start digging for the miraculous waters. There was only mud, but Bernadette dug and from that came a spring of water that is still there (and large) today. There is a lot of information about Lourdes on the internet. Here is a small link: Lourdes
There is also a relatively famous movie titled, "The Song of Bernadette" that recounts the entire story.

I have two dear friends who wrote to the order and asked if they would take me on their next pilgrimage (in April). On the pilgrimage, the "malade" (sick person) is lowered into the waters that have been miraculously healing millions of people for years (one of the miracles).

One of the reasons I am most excited is that the Church Feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes is also my birthday, Feb. 11. So I have loved & trusted Our Lady and Bernadette for most of my life.

The application is due Friday and I'll let you know if they approve the trip. Shawn would also go with me and I'm going to beg and see if we could bring the boys along. It could be incredible.

Chemo #9 and our plan

Just a quick update between my sleeping times :)

I had chemo #9 yesterday. The major prayer was for cycle #8 to be last; but insurance company vs PET scan costs got in the way. My Doctor had to really push (and call the 3rd party decision doc) to let me get a 3rd PET scan which will most likely be next week. Dr NP also suggested I just go with the 12 rounds of Chemo that is the standard of care...I really love and trust Dr NP, so I will take the the last 3 rounds. This means (because of Holiday breaks) that I will have my final chemo January 8th. I say my final because we have been having serious conversations with Dr NP that (if all the cancer is gone or has shrunk very small) that I would like to transition to a more alternative cancer treatment of repurposed drugs and killing of the stems cells of cancer.

As background, chemotherapy is very successful with destroying the fast-growing cancer cells (and all other fast-growing cells like hair, stomach flora, top layers of hands and feet and mouth cells). This is the reason for most chemo side-effects. What happens is the chemo kills these fast-growing cancer cells but almost always leaves some internal stem cells of cancer floating around in a person's body. Cancer stem cells are very smart and mutate (often) into cells that are immune to the first type of chemo a patient used. These stem cells float around a persons' body until they land in a new area and build a new, chemo-resistant clump of fast-growing cells. "Remission" means just that - a temporary recovery or "until next time."

When doctors find a new, second location of cancer growth (sometimes years later), this is called a recurrence and the patient must go through treatment again - often with a stronger or new chemotherapy/immunotherapy because these cells are now immune to the chemo that worked at first.

Recurrence is what most cancer patients die from. Colorectal cancer patients almost always die from the spread of the cancer; liver failure, lung failure, or colon failure (they basically starve to death), or they just decide that the first fight was hard enough and they let go.

Because colorectal cancer is seeing a huge "outbreak" in young patients (under 50), there has been a lot of recent research into this type of cancer but it is very far behind breast cancer or childhood cancers which have huge survival rates (some types). Another relatively new surge in cancer treatment is using drugs that are already FDA approved for treating other chronic conditions. These "repurposed drugs" are being found adept at fighting "cancer metabolic pathways" (killing off those pesky stem cells or "starving them"). The leading voice in this research is Jane McClelland who wrote the book How to Starve Cancer. She is basically a 20+ year breast cancer survivor. In her early 30's, she had very aggressive Breast Cancer (with a 3 month prognosis) and had a background in bio research, so she went and found how to starve her cancer cells. She (and many other people) are living a long life using a host of repurposed drugs that have kept the cancer at bay. Many people following her protocol live with "the chronic condition of cancer" but it does not grow or spread. She treats hers similarly to diabetes or HIV where the disease is "controlled if not cured."

After serious prayer and consideration, Shawn and I decided to bring all of this research to Dr NP and ask if she would still be my consulting physician (watching my blood work and ordering my scans) if I stopped the chemo cycles after #12 and switched to these (sometimes prescription) drugs. She said a tentative yes yesterday (because I will still be open to her suggestions and recommendations). Now, Shawn and I just need to clamp down on the research in getting the correct supplements and drugs (the list can be different for each type of cancer). There are some clinics that already use these drugs and other IV protocols for alternative cancer treatment, so we will reach out to the highly recommended places and search out their wisdom.

The best news is that I will hopefully never have anything (but possibly low-dose) chemo again after January. We still plan on totally fighting but taking in account all of the recent alternatives. Also, I really do believe that God is already healing me. That He has taken the worst of it from me and I leave it all at the Cross of Jesus. I trust in Him and all that he has done and is doing. Everything has been so peaceful and clearly led (including finding the best oncologist I could have asked for).

Cancer is terrible but I believe it can be tamed somewhat. We don't need to be terrified if we choose to fight well. Fear is a liar. Fear takes our fight by holding us captive. I will not be a girl standing in a dark corridor staring at a closed door. I have opened the door and I'll keep walking through this dark valley because "I fear no evil." God has led us from the first moment. And I'm excited to live forever with Him (and everyone I love) someday. But I still have a lot to do in this life. So ima gonna do it :)

Thanks for reading.

"Heaven is For Real"

Last night, H and I watched the tail-end of a movie called, "Heaven is for Real." It's the true story of a little boy named Colton Burpo who comes out of a serious operation (where he nearly died) where Colton matter of factly says that he went to heaven and spent time with Jesus before he came back. Now, Colton is 4 at the time, so everyone is pretty skeptical until Colton also explains that he met his Great-grandfather (who died before he was born) and a little girl who said she was his sister who "died in their mommy's tummy" (but Colton didn't know his mother had experienced a miscarriage and no one knew it had been a girl). Colton is very matter of fact about the entire thing and very insistent that it happened. Something I found really interesting is that Colton says none of the pictures he's seen of Jesus really look like him. Colton only affirms a picture of Jesus that is a painting that an 8 year old girl raised in an agnostic home painted after she told her (completely non-believing) mother that she was having regular meetings with the subject of her paintings:

Both of the stories are fascinating but -- obviously -- up to personal opinion whether to be believed or not.

I read the book about Colton a few years ago (I think when it came out) and what struck me the most is how beautiful Colton's description of heaven was and is (he's a normal teenager now but regularly speaks on how he can recall everything the way it happened). He was just a little boy who talked about heaven being beautiful and "rainbow colored" - that everyone was young and "no body wears glasses in heaven" (which I found funny for some reason).

I have to say that I got a little teary watching the movie because I think a lot about heaven these days and even though I believe I will be healed from the cancer, I never pray not to die. I truly believe that heaven is the place where I am called to live forever...having cancer reminds me of that in a very physical way. I have come (after these last months of praying and trusting) to authentically believe that heaven will be better than here, so I am peaceful if God asks me to go sooner than I expected. But I stand on John 10:10 that "A thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy (the devil); I (Jesus) came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly (or "to the full" some Bibles say)." I don't think I'm full yet. I think living through all of this actually has shown me how much more I am called to do.

Here is just a quick excerpt of some of the things Colton said he saw...but my favorite is the last statement:

“Jesus and some angels came and flew me up to heaven.”
Todd asked Colton, “What did Jesus look like?
Colton remembered, “I knew that the first person I saw was Jesus. He was wearing white robes with a purple sash and He just came down nicely and gracefully.”
Colton continued to talk about Jesus having "markers," so eventually Todd had to ask what he meant by "markers?"
"He drops his toys down, stands up and just points," says Todd. "'Dad, they are right here.' And he takes his fingers and points to the palms then he bends down and touches the tops of his feet, and looks up at me. 'That’s where Jesus’s markers were Dad.'"
"I was in the throne room of God to start with," says Colton. "So I got to see what that looked like. I was upset because I didn’t know what was happening. What God did was He used people or things that I liked to calm me down. From then on I felt better."

I learned heaven is for real and you're going to like it," says Colton. 

That's about it except to say that I am feeling good these last few days. Insurance is resisting paying for my getting new scans "so close" to the last scan (it was 8 weeks ago), so I definitely have chemo #9 this Thursday. But we are pushing for scans next week for a better prognosis. All is well and I am having some fun cooking and doing laundry. C & H had a lovely Veterans' Day service at school today (C recited the Gettysburg address with his class) and D is beginning to shadow at his top High School choices (ugh!). It's snowing today but forecast is 60's tomorrow! lovely fall in Colorado!

 8th grade Geometry is no joke. Call in the engineer for help!! :) 

C & H's principal speaking at the assembly - there were many veterans represented. I cried, of course. I always cry when it comes to service men and women. We are so grateful. 

Simple & true

Chemo # 8 +5 days

It's been a few days, surprisingly. I had chemo on the 1st and it's already the 6th, which surprises me. I think it's because the days after chemo are so hard. Chemo itself does not hurt (just for clarity). It might be different for other people (if you had chemo and it did hurt, I'm so sorry). My experience with chemotherapy is that I just sit for a while and talk with people. I actually like that part...I love hearing other peoples' stories. I love feeling like I am walking with them. I love spending time with Shawn and anyone who visits. Clearly, I am a "chatter."

The actual "medicine" comes into my body through the port in my chest and I never feel anything for the first hour. I am given a bag of Benadryl because of allergic side effects I've been having and then the chemo-coma kicks in. I get loopy and act semi-drunk (a good time for others but pretty fuzzy for me). I still talk (surprise) and I am in anything but pain for the next 4 hours or so. I receive four (or 5...it's hard to keep track) different medicines and then I am hooked up to the traveling pump (for three more days). Then, I leave.

I am basically asleep and completely thirsty for the next day and a half (chemo days +1 & 2). I might get up to watch a bad tv show, but only for a bit and then I climb back into bed. Shawn and the boys try to get me to eat for those two days but everything tastes like sand (side effect) and I can't handle anything cold because it feels like it's cutting through my throat. It's a bad day when yogurt is just too much. I have to leave it out of the fridge and let it get "European warm" (room temp - a joke I made up). I drink a lot of protein drinks to keep my stomach full and my calories up. For some random reason, I have had pizza on chemo +2 days after all 8 treatments (probably has a lot to do with no one wanting to cook or the boys having playdates on Saturdays). Also, I can taste pizza, which is nice.

A bonus is that Shawn disconnects the pump 2 days after chemo, so I have more mobility.

The third and fourth days after chemo are my, "I'm dying" days. These are the two worst days. I pretty much just cry and visualize my funeral and miss every little thing about my boys and Shawn. I tell God constantly how much I want to stay alive. I feel the side effects most intensely because the steroids that accompany my chemo have worn off by these days. I both can't eat and feel sick for most of the days. This week had the added bonus of my colostomy bag having issues and our washing machine pump breaking (please don't try to picture how awful it was). These days are the days that I think the chemo will kill me before the cancer does. It's truly terrible. These are the days I sympathize with all of the cancer sufferers and survivors - that I can't believe how strong they all are - how tragic that so many lives have been cut short. I have to force myself to stay away from social media because it can be a dark place when your heart feels dark.

This week, the dying-days lingered and were more intense as the side effects begin to accumulate in my system (My doctor said to expect this). Also, my hair is getting very thin and my skin is starting to get that "cancer look" of wrinkly and grey.

But, today (day +5) I wake up better. I generally have energy and some things taste good. It's almost magic. I can run errands and be more like my authentic self. When people ask me how I'm doing, I actually mean "I feel pretty good!" And I can get things done for the boys (because real life does not stop even if I'm asleep). Today, that means buying new uniforms (stop growing!), hair cuts and youth group for D and C (more dressing up as Saints!) and a possible playdate for H. It means Shawn doesn't have to do everything (although he always does and never complains).

What all of this has done for me is give me a very intense belief that we are all suffering. Just because you don't have cancer doesn't mean you don't feel these same feelings of despair and loss and struggle. Even in my darkest days, I stand on the word of God (especially this verse):

Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand...For I, the Lord your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you 'Fear not, I will help you." (Isaiah 41:10-13)

I believe God says this to me. I read it and re-read it. I believe God holds my hand in all of it. And it's reinforced by my girl, St Maria Faustina who wrote in her diary (between world wars 1 and 2):

698. ..."God loves us with the entire infinite Being that He is..."

and Jesus appeared to her and said, "Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet. My mercy is so great that no mind, be it of man or angel, will be able to fathom it throughout all eternity..." (699)

and I (today, at least) share M. Faustina's thoughts: "O Jesus, how great is Your goodness! Your infinite goodness, so well known to me, enables me to bravely look death in the eye. I know that nothing will happen without God's permission..." (697)

I don't know about bravely looking, but I do trust in Jesus and how much God loves me. And I trust all of this for you too...

On the white board where I get my chemo. Amen, Stuart Scott, Amen.