Chemo # 8 +5 days

It's been a few days, surprisingly. I had chemo on the 1st and it's already the 6th, which surprises me. I think it's because the days after chemo are so hard. Chemo itself does not hurt (just for clarity). It might be different for other people (if you had chemo and it did hurt, I'm so sorry). My experience with chemotherapy is that I just sit for a while and talk with people. I actually like that part...I love hearing other peoples' stories. I love feeling like I am walking with them. I love spending time with Shawn and anyone who visits. Clearly, I am a "chatter."

The actual "medicine" comes into my body through the port in my chest and I never feel anything for the first hour. I am given a bag of Benadryl because of allergic side effects I've been having and then the chemo-coma kicks in. I get loopy and act semi-drunk (a good time for others but pretty fuzzy for me). I still talk (surprise) and I am in anything but pain for the next 4 hours or so. I receive four (or 5...it's hard to keep track) different medicines and then I am hooked up to the traveling pump (for three more days). Then, I leave.

I am basically asleep and completely thirsty for the next day and a half (chemo days +1 & 2). I might get up to watch a bad tv show, but only for a bit and then I climb back into bed. Shawn and the boys try to get me to eat for those two days but everything tastes like sand (side effect) and I can't handle anything cold because it feels like it's cutting through my throat. It's a bad day when yogurt is just too much. I have to leave it out of the fridge and let it get "European warm" (room temp - a joke I made up). I drink a lot of protein drinks to keep my stomach full and my calories up. For some random reason, I have had pizza on chemo +2 days after all 8 treatments (probably has a lot to do with no one wanting to cook or the boys having playdates on Saturdays). Also, I can taste pizza, which is nice.

A bonus is that Shawn disconnects the pump 2 days after chemo, so I have more mobility.

The third and fourth days after chemo are my, "I'm dying" days. These are the two worst days. I pretty much just cry and visualize my funeral and miss every little thing about my boys and Shawn. I tell God constantly how much I want to stay alive. I feel the side effects most intensely because the steroids that accompany my chemo have worn off by these days. I both can't eat and feel sick for most of the days. This week had the added bonus of my colostomy bag having issues and our washing machine pump breaking (please don't try to picture how awful it was). These days are the days that I think the chemo will kill me before the cancer does. It's truly terrible. These are the days I sympathize with all of the cancer sufferers and survivors - that I can't believe how strong they all are - how tragic that so many lives have been cut short. I have to force myself to stay away from social media because it can be a dark place when your heart feels dark.

This week, the dying-days lingered and were more intense as the side effects begin to accumulate in my system (My doctor said to expect this). Also, my hair is getting very thin and my skin is starting to get that "cancer look" of wrinkly and grey.

But, today (day +5) I wake up better. I generally have energy and some things taste good. It's almost magic. I can run errands and be more like my authentic self. When people ask me how I'm doing, I actually mean "I feel pretty good!" And I can get things done for the boys (because real life does not stop even if I'm asleep). Today, that means buying new uniforms (stop growing!), hair cuts and youth group for D and C (more dressing up as Saints!) and a possible playdate for H. It means Shawn doesn't have to do everything (although he always does and never complains).

What all of this has done for me is give me a very intense belief that we are all suffering. Just because you don't have cancer doesn't mean you don't feel these same feelings of despair and loss and struggle. Even in my darkest days, I stand on the word of God (especially this verse):

Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand...For I, the Lord your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you 'Fear not, I will help you." (Isaiah 41:10-13)

I believe God says this to me. I read it and re-read it. I believe God holds my hand in all of it. And it's reinforced by my girl, St Maria Faustina who wrote in her diary (between world wars 1 and 2):

698. ..."God loves us with the entire infinite Being that He is..."

and Jesus appeared to her and said, "Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet. My mercy is so great that no mind, be it of man or angel, will be able to fathom it throughout all eternity..." (699)

and I (today, at least) share M. Faustina's thoughts: "O Jesus, how great is Your goodness! Your infinite goodness, so well known to me, enables me to bravely look death in the eye. I know that nothing will happen without God's permission..." (697)

I don't know about bravely looking, but I do trust in Jesus and how much God loves me. And I trust all of this for you too...

On the white board where I get my chemo. Amen, Stuart Scott, Amen.