Update - chemo #3/14

"Surrender is true love. The more we surrender, the more we love God and souls...There is no limit to God's love." Mother Teresa

This was the theme of my prayer today. I will say it's been hard to start fighting all over again - tough to take walks (I make it up our street now) - tough to eat when I have no real appetite. I weigh 146 lbs now - a full 20 lbs less than this date last year. I never had a working GI tract during my last 12 rounds of chemo...and I've been surprised at how nauseas I've been after the last 2 chemo treatments. If you know me at all, you know I have a major aversion to vomit. Sadly, I've become a major "vomit-er" and think it might even be my brain rebelling on me.

And it's been equally hard to return to anything like my previous (to the hospital stay) prayer life. I feel as though I am stumbling through a limbo period. I want to hope. I want to trust. I want to believe with my whole heart.

I realized today that this is my challenge to surrender. That it's not some major act of my will. Surrender is accepting that I can't do any of what I listed. It just doesn't come. Not right now.

So I sit through my prayer times and I cry. And I remember that Mother Teresa didn't hear God's voice for many years. But all of those miracles still happened when she asked because she must have just closed her eyes and said, "God will take care of it." And she kept living the life He had asked her to live years before His silence.

I still have a big life even in this ridiculous pandemic.

As life slowly starts to open and our country experiences tragedy after tragedy (God bless the soul of George Floyd and bring peace and justice for his family), I will continue to pray and to cry out that I understand that there truly is no limit to God's love. And that will be enough.

 

Radiation

"I have never heard [God] speak, but I feel that he is in me, that at every moment he is guiding me, inspiring me with what I should say or do. Just when I need it I discover lights that I had not seen before. It is not usually during my prayer that they are most abundant but rather amidst my daily occupations."  St. Therese of Lisieux 

Today I had an appointment with a radiologist. Because of the pain in my hip (the spread), my oncologist recommended I have a consultation with the doctor who would perform the radiation. Shawn and I were able to both meet with her - even in this time of quarantine - which was one of our prayers. The other prayer was that we would know what to do about the radiation. We didn't really understand it or what the point was.

It is interesting to me that radiation is mainly (almost entirely) for pain management. At least, that is the only reason I would be receiving radiation. I do have considerable pain in my hip, but I am hoping (and it happened before) that the chemo will both stop the spread and dull the pain.

What was hopeful for me is that the radiologist agreed with me that I should go through this next treatment of chemo and see what happens. "There is no rush to radiation" was the direct quote. Also, the doctor said, "It's important for me to see the patient and looking at you, I would only plan on one treatment of radiation. Looking at your history of these last few months, I am surprised at how great you look."

Since hearing that my cancer is more aggressive than anyone thought, we have been fighting the only way we know how. We are praying harder than we ever have, I've started all of the repurposed drugs again and I've been walking daily and reaching out to friends. My dear friend, Father Nathan, told me to remember that it's the devil who tries to keep us separate and so I'm trying my best to remember how I'm "surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses." My sweet boys and Shawn and being wonderful and I'm slowly connecting to people outside our little circle.

It was a light to me to have such a good meeting with the radiologist today. I know God was there. I am also challenging myself every morning to have 15 minutes of silence where I just sit with God. I am live-streaming Adoration to do this, but I think it can work in any context.

Because I want to trust like Therese of Lisieux. I need guidance and inspiration...now more than ever.

Scan and sickness updates and the End of School

Our eldest finishes Elementary school today - last day of classroom instruction for 8th graders at his school. We are all pretty excited about it and especially, D. It is so strange not to know what the fall holds and how the beginning of High School might be for him.

Stupid pandemic. I don't know about you, but I'm done with this whole thing.

Late posting of my last GI scan results: it looks like my GI tract is healing - PRAISE GOD - and I can now eat real foods and use my bottom like regular people. I mean, seriously, PRAISE GOD. I am still on the evening liquid nutrition and an every-8-hour IV which I receive through a pick line. Pick lines are similar to ports and everything that is administered goes straight into my blood stream. Shawn is responsible for connecting all of these things. We pray every night that we are almost done with my extra attachments.

A healthy GI also means I was able to have chemo last Thursday. Sadly, in the time it took to heal, most of my cancer has returned. Not the rectal tumor, ironically and gladly. A girl can only talk about her rectum so much. But that hip met (spread) has become a real problem. Please pray (or send positive thoughts) that my chemo can catch up with the cancer.  The chemo worked powerfully for me the last time, so there is still a lot of hope around here. I have also begun the repurposed medicine again which should work powerfully with the chemo.

Simultaneously, Shawn and I (and often our boys) pray the Rosary daily for my healing. I live-stream the prayer ministry of the Intercessors of the Holy Trinity on Tuesday nights. I have begun the Surrender Novena again because we believe that Jesus can heal me totally. I am not the kind of girl who can say that this means He will, because I know that people die. But He can and I will beg that He Does so that I can stay here with my boys and the Love of my Heart.

In all of this, I am most grateful to be at home and to be in a place that I am loved and cared for so well. I wish we could travel and spend time with the people we miss so much. We miss our extended families. We miss our friends.

We are praying for everyone who reads the blog and I beg you to pray for me and our family. God is Good and Loves us. Jesus, I trust in You.

A Busy week of medical action

I can't believe that it's already Tuesday. Time flies quickly When you're sitting around in your pajamas and not eating :)

But this week is ramping up. I had a tele-appointment with my GI doctor on Monday. Shawn says that he was very positive, but it's hard for me to interpret anything at this point. My home health nurse came today to take blood and vitals. She is wonderful and chatty and I really appreciate when she is here. Of course, I love my full-time nurse, Shawn, even more.

Tomorrow (Wed) I have yet another CT (ie: CAT) scan. This scan will hopefully say that I do not have any more internal "leaking" and will perhaps be able to eat a liquid diet. Worst case, I will get a third drain if there are any pockets of fluid where they aren't supposed to be.

In either case, I have chemo on Thursday. I'm honestly not sure how my body will do with all of these tests and treatments.

I totally appreciate the prayers and everyone who has reached out with encouragement.

This entire experience has opened my heart so much more to people who are struggling/suffering and who also find it hard to trust God. That has been my only prayer, that I can trust God and believe that His love is bigger than all of this. It's scary and sometimes painful...but I am choosing Trust.

Thank you for your prayers in advance (TIA, like the kids say).