Update - chemo #3/14

"Surrender is true love. The more we surrender, the more we love God and souls...There is no limit to God's love." Mother Teresa

This was the theme of my prayer today. I will say it's been hard to start fighting all over again - tough to take walks (I make it up our street now) - tough to eat when I have no real appetite. I weigh 146 lbs now - a full 20 lbs less than this date last year. I never had a working GI tract during my last 12 rounds of chemo...and I've been surprised at how nauseas I've been after the last 2 chemo treatments. If you know me at all, you know I have a major aversion to vomit. Sadly, I've become a major "vomit-er" and think it might even be my brain rebelling on me.

And it's been equally hard to return to anything like my previous (to the hospital stay) prayer life. I feel as though I am stumbling through a limbo period. I want to hope. I want to trust. I want to believe with my whole heart.

I realized today that this is my challenge to surrender. That it's not some major act of my will. Surrender is accepting that I can't do any of what I listed. It just doesn't come. Not right now.

So I sit through my prayer times and I cry. And I remember that Mother Teresa didn't hear God's voice for many years. But all of those miracles still happened when she asked because she must have just closed her eyes and said, "God will take care of it." And she kept living the life He had asked her to live years before His silence.

I still have a big life even in this ridiculous pandemic.

As life slowly starts to open and our country experiences tragedy after tragedy (God bless the soul of George Floyd and bring peace and justice for his family), I will continue to pray and to cry out that I understand that there truly is no limit to God's love. And that will be enough.