Surgery #1 Down (Update)

I want to update everyone who is waiting quickly. Thank you for the messages and cards and flowers...

First, the surgery went well. A couple of people have asked if Dr N removed my main tumor (in my rectum) and the answer is no. The surgery was actually to divert my colon before chemo because this surgery would be much more complicated/serious after chemo. The hope is that chemo will significantly shrink my tumor leaving enough healthy margins for Dr N to save my digestive track in the long run (ie: not a life-long colostomy bag). This first surgery went well. Everything is working as it should and it is just normal "after surgery " pain...so a week or two of no driving, no lifting and taking it easy. Thank God my parents are here to help. 

Next, the PET scan confirmed two small cancerous spots in my liver and one in my right hip. The spots in my lungs are still too small to diagnose. None of this was new news and will not affect the treatment plan going forward. It freaks us out, for sure, but my doctors did not seem surprised or newly concerned. 

I met with the oncologist and she explained the chemo plan going forward. It is the national standard for care for stage 4 colorectal cancer with three types of medicine being given together with the hope that it will kill off all of the cancer floating around in my body and settling where it should never be. I will discuss that more in detail as we go on, but first I have to recover from this surgery. 

I'll begin chemo around July 18th. The positive side of this chemo is that I will most likely not lose my hair and many people are known to continue working while they receive treatments. This is the first main answer to my prayers because all I really want is to continue to mother my children and to have a semi-normal summer with them. Even though we are all worried about this process, God is allowing me to "keep moving" Which is what will keep me going and is true to who I need to be. 

A home health nurse will begin coming tomorrow and I'm looking forward to having answers on my recovery at this point. These changes are a bit overwhelming so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other while resting in the palm of God's hand. 

(woman in the picture is much more subdued than she may appear here) 

"To Write Sacrifice on My Ankle" 1

There is a beautiful website called "To Write Love on Her Arms". It's a site to help teens and young adults who self-mutilate to change the cycle of thinking (You learn these things when you work with teen agers for awhile). 

I was inspired to "Write Sacrifice on My Ankle" 

 It's just initials of all of the people I will be praying for as I enter this first surgery. I think, since there are a lot of tattoos out there, that they might let me keep it (and it's sharpie, so only spray sunscreen can get it off). Please let me know if you'd like me to pray for an intention for you in all of this. I have a number of marriages on there, ALL of my family(which includes Shawn's, of course) and Ecclesia Denver for Fr N.  I just wanted you to know that I care for you as much as you are caring for us. B

Pre-op diets are the WORST (and a welcome visitor)

So...another day, another foray into the gastronomical pleasure that is a "clean out" diet. This is my sustenance for the next 24 hours. Good times.  Well...I can have broth and jello too, so it's totally a bummer that I was very excited to see the Greek Wraps that were delivered for dinner by Drea. Love, my friend. The boys are thrilled about the Naan bread.

And we just had a "right before surgery" visit by Fr Nathan. He said some prayers and blessed everyone, which was incredibly special for me. The pictures are a bit crazy, but we were lucky to get any at all with my photog crew :) I am all loved and prayed up. So grateful for our community.

Anointing of the Sick #1

I'll update a few times today - quick, short things.

I was given the anointing of the sick last night after Mass. Our Pastor, Father Javier, met the 5 of us in the little St. Joseph's chapel and Fr J prayed for healing and God's help in my surgery tomorrow. The "anointing" part is that Father made the sign of the Cross on my forehead and hands using the oil of healing blessed by the Bishop once a year on Holy Thursday.

It's because James 5:14 & 15: "Is anyone among you sick? He should summon the presbyters of the church and they should pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord, and the prayer of faith will save the sick person, and the Lord will raise him up..."

Old timey people call this sacrament "Last Rites" because it used to be mostly for people about to die...but it's really the "anointing of the sick" and it's for anyone who is seriously ill and in need of healing (I'll take it). It is hoped that this will bring physical healing (as the touch of Jesus) but also that it brings spiritual healing, which I am hoping for mainly. I want to be patient and hopeful and unconditionally loving especially with Shawn and the boys. I want to be peaceful and miraculously kind while this all happens. And I want to stop thinking about myself all the time. And maybe that it's not entirely gross :)

More practical updates this afternoon.

The Importance of the phrase: "Tumor Lode"

First, I have to say that we have cried a great deal in simple gratitude for the overwhelming outpouring of love from my announcement of my diagnosis. The sheer number of people who are praying and have who expressed concern and support doesn't seem possible to me. Shawn and I have read every message and all I want to do is respond and call and reach out. I promise. But there is a lot coming up next week and being with the boys and spending happy, healthy time with them remains my top priority. Know that I am so grateful and I do plan on using my recuperation moments to reach out. Thank you to everyone....so much.

Truthfully, until Wednesday of last week, I didn't know anything real about cancer. Everyone knows that I deflect with humor. I make jokes to fill spaces. I don't ask the tough questions. I find it easier to make people laugh than to talk through the pain. It might not be my best trait, but I am not sure that I'm called to change it just yet. I have the dearest of friends who do ask the questions - who do go to depths with others. And I love you all for it. But, whenever it came to cancer and the realities of living with cancer, I was not your girl who was going to "find out all she could" about ailments...

So, I usually defaulted to the idea that "cancer means you're basically going to die sooner rather than later after losing a ton of weight and all of your hair." Someone would say they had cancer and I was looking for the immediate head scarf, soft voice and total lack of appetite.

Shawn told me that a lot of people share this view and that I should maybe explain where I'm at in the diagnosis and demonstrate that my situation can be seen as pretty hopeful, relatively.

It all hinges on the phrase "tumor lode" or "tumor burden." While it is true that the docs are labeling my cancer as stage 4, this is because it has most likely spread to my lungs and liver. This is still undetermined. Undetermined, because the spots are all too small (and too few) to diagnose. It is in my best treatment options to be classified as Stage 4 because this will allow them to prescribe the most potent dose of Chemotherapy. As a comparison, a person with large tumors in multiple areas spread throughout his or her body would also be categorized as Stage 4. This person would have a much greater "tumor lode or burden" than myself.  It is hopeful news for myself that, "my tumor burden appears to be very small," which brought us a lot of comfort yesterday.

About yesterday and what's up next:  Tuesday (6/25), I will have a colostomy surgery (click if you're interested). It's laparoscopic, will be generally life-changing, but is widely done and relatively safe. I will also have a port put in under my collar bone for my future chemo infusions. I will hopefully meet with my oncologist (chemo/cancer doc described as my "quarterback") and I will have a PET scan which will hopefully allow my docs to fully diagnose the spot in my liver and/or lungs. I will be in the hospital until Thursday and will need to recover for 2 or 3 weeks before I can begin my chemo. I'm planning to use those weeks for connection, praying my heart out and fun (and let's be serious, I'll still have to do a lot of laundry, swim team and baseball :) If you're local (or crazy) and want to come visit in the hospital, email us and we'll let you know where I am (Safety first!) 

Today, because PRAISE GOD, life goes on, we are heading to Shawn's parents home because they are having a giant family party to celebrate 50 years of marriage. So grateful, so happy, so excited to celebrate something so wonderful. And Shawn and I will be planning ours as well (or at least our 40th in 21 years) because (Romans 5:1-5) "Hope does not disappoint"

Blessings on your weekend. Happy Feast of Corpus Christi tomorrow. B

How we spent 7am - 11am this morning, at a rainy, crazy swim meet!

"You have a mass..." Cancer Begins

First, I apologize that for many people, this impersonal, public blog will be the only way I can effectively communicate this sudden journey with my unexpected cancer. I am blessed to have so many people to tell while sad that I don't have any time to speak personally with everyone. Know that I am eternally grateful that you care. I can feel those of you praying and I will try and answer emails and comments when I can.

The beginning of my story (keeping it "short and sweet" for Liz ;). This may be gross or graphic for some (warning, it is rectal cancer and it will not be pretty. Thank you, Jesus, for this humility) -

Around September of 2018, I starting having blood in my stools. It's gross and embarrassing so I only discussed it with a few people. I was still working out, eating well and felt great, so I thought it was early menopause. I went to see my GP doctor in November and she diagnosed hemorrhoids. I went to see a hemorrhoid doctor, and he treated them and I thought all was well. In December, I began feeling very constipated (see? still gross) and this wasn't ever a problem I'd had before, so I ignored it and decided to change my diet a bit.  In January, I did the diet Whole30, which is basically just eating meat and vegetables for 30 days. No dairy, sugar or anything processed. I felt a bit better and got rid of the more "gassy" symptoms I'd also been experiencing. I still didn't feel 100%, but my overall health was good. In February, I started eating regularly and the pain returned. By March, I was pretty sure something was really wrong with my tail end. I went back to my GP (my main doctor) and she ran blood tests. They were fine (except I'm about 20 lbs overweight, which actually directed us away from cancer as "significant weight loss" is usually an early sign. Hooray for fat!! ha.ha.). I also returned to the hemorrhoid doctor and he gave me a second treatment. Because I had never had hemorrhoids (even pregnant), I had no idea that the extreme pain I was experiencing was not just a symptom of those little buggers.

My third trip to the hemorrhoid doc was the first week of June 2019 and I finally said, "I never feel ok. I can barely stand after 5:00pm." He was surprised by this and gave a more significant (ouch!) exam. And, he found a mass in my rectum.

The next day, I saw a colon specialist (yeah, Dr. N!) and he took about 5 minutes to examine me. He knew right away and sat Shawn and I down and said, "There is no easy way to tell you both, but this is definitely cancer. You have a tumor and we will need to run some tests to see if it has spread."

I have spent the last week having those tests.  Specifically, a CT scan and my first colonoscopy (really the best way to diagnose colorectal cancer and not recommended until 50 - I'm 49). The results are a strange limbo where I have a tiny (1cm) spot in the middle of my liver and "numerous" tiny (2mm-7mm) spots on my lungs. None of these can be biopsied. I will have an MRI to diagnose the liver spot (they suspect it is a blood clot and not cancer) and my doctors are now in big discussions about how to diagnose the lung "nodules" as they can be cancer or nothing, and that will make a big difference for my prognosis.

Regardless, they must treat my cancer as Stage 4 until proven otherwise and we have a meeting with my doctor(s) today to finalize a treatment plan. The rough outline is that I will have a major colon surgery next week (an iliostomy - please look it up if interested) and begin chemotherapy a week or two later.

I will not philosophize in this post because it's intended to be "just the facts, ma'am." But we are in good spirits overall. I believe, trust, hope in and love God and will continue to believe whether it's inconvenient or people think I'm crazy. I would ask that you reach out through email or through Shawn. I do not process well discussing things too much (I'm sorry) and I still have 3 young boys to raise and rejoice in. And baseball and swim team are full time jobs. Lastly, the only time I breakdown is experiencing the overwhelming kindness that is already being lavished on us.

I will commit to updating anytime there is news (because I know you worry) and I will update this afternoon as we meet with the doctors at 3:00 to confirm the plan of treatment.

If you are a person of prayer (and are ok with asking people in heaven to pray for me), please ask for the intercession of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, Bl Julia Greely and Bridgette Kelly Sullivan. I'll try to update about that in the coming weeks.

Thanks for reading. Talk later. Bridge