How God Answers the Soul

Chapter 4 

"...if you wish to please the loving Heart of God, endeavor to speak to Him as often as you can, and with the fullest confidence that He will answer and speak to you in return...He will not speak in a voice that strikes the ear, but in a voice that reaches the heart: 'I will lead her into the wilderness and I will speak to her heart' (Hosea 2:14). He will speak by inspiration, by interior light ['aha' moments], by manifestations of His goodness, by a tenderness which touches the heart, by assurance of pardon, by a feeling of peace, by the hope of heaven, by intimate happiness, by the sweetness of His Grace, by loving and tender embraces of the soul -- in a word, He will speak in a voice easily understood by those whom He loves and who have given their hearts to Him"
Alphonsus De Liguori 1753

He's trying to talk to you. I promise.

No news from us today.
Life is still good.
Jesus, You take care of today, please.

Prayer Time

Today is the Feast of St. Monica (mother of Augustine of Hippo, who's pretty famous). In our faith, we celebrate the feasts of a lot of women and an abundance of moms. I know that I've gotten burnt out and at the end of my rope (at the end of the strings of my rope) as a wife and mother, so it helps to hear the stories of holy women who went before me. It's also nice to celebrate the "women behind the men" (so to speak). As the mother of a future philosopher (I'm pretty sure) & a few party boys, I'm glad to know it wasn't all roses for St Monica either.

And it brings me to today, where I spent a few minutes with some mom-friends of mine (Kim and Jane) and was so encouraged just talking to them. Thank you, girls, for snippets of real conversation.

I felt a little push after a number of conversations to write something I heard in my prayer the other day. I want to say that people talk about meditation and prayer a lot. If you're anything like me, you might spend half of a conversation wondering "What does that mean? Like, really? What do they DO?" I'm a little obsessed with how people actually live their lives (when no one is watching) yet I hate to share intimate details of my own life (it might not seem like it, but I'm only doing this blog because Jesus told me to). I know that there are a lot of formulas and cute acronyms to follow but I wanted to state - practically- how I pray- in case you wonder "How does she think she hears God all the time?" (because that seems crazy and I know that).

Full Caveat -  how I pray changes but when I'm stuck, I normally fall back into this routine.

Second Caveat (so I guess that first one wasn't full) - My heart guides the way I pray. I have always talked to God the way I talk to everyone else (jokes and all).  I figure that He's God and He made me so He'll "get me" as I am.

Here are my "steps" -

1) I almost always start with on-line live Eucharistic adoration on my smart phone or tablet. Adoration (click here). I set my phone up where I'm sitting and I click on the link to adoration. I say, "You are here. You love me. I belong to You." Then, I talk about whatever.

2) Because I'm a reader (and don't just trust voices in my head...) I have something to read so that I can trust it's something God would say and not something I just make up on the fly. I try to read the the Office from the Liturgy of the Hours every day. I have 2 apps on my phone that have the readings of the Office Universalis and Laudate . It's readings from the Bible (mostly Psalms but also New Testament) that ordained ministers and many religious people are required to say every day (click on the link for more info). It only takes about 5 minutes to "say" (ie: read) the Office.

3)Usually, at this point, my head is swimming with things the Holy Spirit is trying to get me to hear. So, I just sit there. I sit there and I think about those thoughts. I'm a writer, so I write the main thoughts down (I have prayer journals dating back to High School that shame me regularly).

4) Right now, I will also read a short snippet from St. Alphonsus Liguori (but I have other things too) and I'm always amazed that everything connects somehow. I am slow to hear and terrible at quieting my head and heart, so God has to kinda' scream at me and this humbles me (the girl who thinks she's so smart). When I feel the truth of who I am, this is when I let God love me. And what he spoke to me a few days ago is the entire reason I'm writing this post.

So...here it is:

Jesus doesn't want you to do it by yourself. 
Jesus doesn't want you to be strong (he's not a PE teacher)
Jesus wants you to let go. 
Jesus wants to hold you. Help you. 
He's not rules. He's a person. 
He wants you to crack open your heart a tiny bit and ask Him inside. 
Then...let go. There's no formula (they are there to help)
If Jesus is too much, ask God the Father or the Holy Spirit to come (They are all the same). 
Just look at them and say, "Hey."
Then LET IT GO.
Tell God, "You're going to have to do this. Because I can't or won't or don't even want to...But I'll let you in if You're really there and really love me." 

Alphonsus' "How to Pray at All Times" entire Chapter 4 is one page titled, "How God Answers the Soul" so I'll post that tomorrow (it's a paragraph).

And - just for clarity - some days I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling and say, "You're going to have to do it all today, because I'm out." And that was even before cancer.

Fingertips still feel like I'm touching fiberglass whenever I touch something cold....but today is still a wonderful day.

Chemo #3 plus a few days

Four Days Later...and it's all a little different. I'm much more tired after treatment 3. I feel more run down and exhausted. Less patience. Ironically, I am more "alert" at times and get little bursts of energy to walk or talk...then, I am completely depleted and tired. Our family made it to Mass and then an hour-long Fantasy Football draft get-together...both times it was so nice to sit and talk...but I was quite done after both and now am exhausted again. The side effects are a bit harder this time and it hurts to hold anything cold in my hands. They told me to expect it, but it's all still surprising me somehow. 

Saturday and Sunday nights, the boys slept in a tent in our back yard: 

 Coffee time for Dad

Sunday night, they all ended up back inside once the wind picked up. A last hurrah of summer for our guys. We're hoping to plan a "Grady Glamping" night with friends sometime. 

As always on these days of feeling down, I tend to research and read and watch strange you tube videos on cancer. These are not those videos but I thought they give the outline of what's happening scientifically in short bursts (if you're interested). 

This is the video we showed our boys as they are heading back to school and might need to explain general info around cancer. It's a good one to show younger people who might be interested.

Still trusting in Jesus. Still wishing it was all different. Still grateful for everything.

D turns 14

It's family lore around here that it took five years for you to come. That Mommy & Daddy prayed so hard and - one time - God's gentle voice asked, "What if the person I need is 20 eggs away?" Two years seemed so long then. So many people told us not to worry. Friends had baby after baby and Daddy and I waited. Something that seemed so "easy" and that so many people were so afraid of....we wanted so badly. We kept telling doctors, "We don't just want a baby, we want a family." We saw that many people don't have babies and we started classes to be foster parents, happy that we had a plan. Then, right as the classes ended and we were ready to move on...both lines on the stick turned pink. 

The person God wanted, came.  How can that already be fourteen years ago? 

And as we go through a new form of waiting as a family, how can I forget Mommy's first miracle? You aren't supposed to be here, but you are. All love and deep thoughts and deeper emotions. 

My only prayer today, is that I am here to write a post like this when you are 24 and then 36...

But first, sushi and pie and all of the things you love...

 C & D at the Kesslers' lake house

 D reading to H

 Riley M (Kate's sister) and D (Kinder or First)

Chemo #3 Down

Very quick because I've been asleep all day & want to go back.

Third chemo was very similar to the first two with one or two slight changes:

1) I weigh the same as last time, which was a positive for Dr NP.  (Fat girls for the win!!)
2) All my bloodwork remains good.
3) We spent most of the doctor visit (one before each chemo) laughing and talking about colleges and school and high schools (turns out we both have 8th graders).
4) I was given a double-dose of steroids and a bag of Benadryl to ward off allergic reactions that seem to slide in at the end of each treatment.  The Benadryl made me VERY tired.
4) It seemed to go really quickly. (Love you, visitors!)
5) 5FU pump attached without a hitch and we left for home.
6) Once home, I had a strange allergic reaction all down my right side. My right eye felt like it had an eyelash in it, my right hand curled up like a claw (so I used a squishy nerf baseball to keep the shape), my right leg tingled like it had been asleep. My entire right side tingled all over. '

We called Doctor NP (she game me her cel phone number because she's an amazingly personal doctor) and she said to take a Benadryl and wait 15 minutes but to return to the office it didn't  improve.

I took the Benadryl and chased it with water from Lourdes...begging Mary, my Queen to help.

I was honestly scared I was having a stroke because they run in the female side of my family.

10 minutes later, I was dead asleep in bed and the effects had lessened by the time I woke up. It still feels like someone hit my fingers with a hair brush; but my eye is better and my throat seems less dry and raw than last cycle (Singing career saved! ha.)

Tomorrow is normally a bit harder. I just wanted to post so you all know I am alright.
Just for reference, I didn't fast this cycle and I think the food helps my energy (and keeps my weight level)...so I might not fast before anymore.

Jesus, I trust in You. Salve, Regina.

Chemo #3 tomorrow

"Not, I'll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast on thee;

Not untwist - slack they may be - these last strands of man

In me or, most weary, cry I can no more. I can;

Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose not to be..."

from Carrion Comfort - Gerard Manley Hopkins

Third round of chemo tomorrow.

It has snuck up on me in some ways. With school beginning, friends visiting and daily life taking over, I have felt really great this week. Almost totally normal today as I ran random errands and negotiated fights between my boys. I've checked assignment notebooks and signed school syllabi. I paid nearly $60 for a uniform sweater that my son will complain about all school year. I have loved every single minute. Every mundane thing is a shout (a yawlp) to the world that, "I am alive!"

The really hot days are wonderful.
The crazy rainstorm and hail are wonderful.
The pedicure I was afraid to get (because of chemo) but turned out amazing is wonderful.
The smelly socks hidden all over my house are wonderful.
My son refusing to eat meal-train broccoli and screaming "Protest!" over and over is wonderful.
My husband just talking about work and meetings (because I am his person) is wonderful

I spent a good amount of time feasting on Despair...but everyday I'm reminded that I "can something." And right now, my something is being alive and noticing how wonderful it all is.

Tonight, we'll watch the final rounds of Master Chef on TV & I'll spend tomorrow thinking about these memes:

Amen.
Jesus, I trust in You.
PS - Shawn's softball team did really well in their final game and he loves his team. I love that he still gets to do what makes him happy.

The Kesslers (part 1)

Thirty one years ago, I met this woman in the first week of college at Franciscan University of Steubenville in Ohio. Around six months later, we both met the man who would be her husband (at the same school). Eleven years later, I met Shawn and we would all joke that he had gone to Steubenville with them instead of me because he fit in so well.  We have travelled the globe (a small part of it, at least) together. But, somehow, we always end up sitting around a table talking (I have the pictures to prove it). Everything is better with them.

These are two of our very best friends. And when they heard about my cancer, they came.

Betsy was one of the first people I told about my diagnosis, and she immediately sent this: 

 (See why we're friends?)

 Their youngest is D's age, so he came with them as well. Which made our boys VERY happy. 

 Of course we took them to the cabin

 We had to show them the beautiful 11-mile canyon

Even though my sister-in-law is about the same age as our friendship ;), we had SO MUCH fun with her, Shawn's brother,

 and my perfect niece and nephew.

Shawn lost a bet and had to wear this poncho for the evening. He was lucky not to have to wear the pink UGGS that we originally part of the deal.

It breaks my heart that people are so lonely these days. I am always sad when people do not feel like they have a place they fit. I have definitely felt that and especially as a young woman. Thirty-one years ago, I begrudgingly let God lead me to a tiny (relatively unknown) University and he sent me someone who is closer than a sister to me. Letting go gave me so much - gave my husband and sons so much. How could I not trust that letting go now will bring even more?

Because I sobbed like a baby when they left...even after all of this time of living a country apart.

Jesus, I trust in You. 

"Feeling" Prayers

Yesterday was Welcome Back to School night for D. It was so great to see so many familiar faces and to spend time with dear, dear friends. D had a good time, even with his parent-mandated flip phone :)

I heard a few questions repeatedly, so I wanted to take these few minutes to answer:

1) I really do believe I feel your prayers. The only way to describe it is like "crowd-surfing" (when you jump off a stage into a crowd and they all put their hands up and carry you). It's very much like a trust fall, or when you had to jump off of something at camp while the person below held the rope that slows you're fall. In crowd surfing, you just feel hands (and think it's weird to have all of those people touching your rear). I have had a number of instances in these past two months where I just couldn't keep going - or I was just so sad that I felt like I had hit a brick wall of movement. I couldn't move. I had no motivation. It's the way I react to things sometimes. I freeze. But in every single instance, I had the experience (could actually almost hear) where a voice inside said, "No, let's get going. You can do this. You can get up. Let's walk. Let's write. Let's put the kids to bed and snuggle. Let's take a shower. Let's get to chemo. Just this once." Without a shadow of a doubt, It didn't come from me. The gentle pressure to "just move" was an outside-of-me thing. I think I only recognize it because it's quiet. I'm aware of the overwhelming amount of prayers. But that is when I know I feel them. I feel you. Please don't stop. Your prayers are how I keep going.

and

2) Short, sweet reminder of where I'm at -
(a) I will have the colostomy bag indefinitely (I'll let you know loudly if it is ever removed). It could be a life-long thing and I'm treating it that way for now.  
(b) I have just finished my second round of chemo. They are every two weeks on Thursday. Next chemo date is 8/22. I am normally pretty "out of it" for the 5 days after, but I seem to bounce back by the 6th day.
(c) The chemo I receive does not normally make people lose their hair (so far no loss) and germs are not a huge issue either (you most likely will not make me sick if you're fine)
(d) I am eating mostly a "plant-based" diet but I'd say I'm basically living as a "pescatarian" - a vegetarian who eats fish. Shawn has mandated a few more things (like protein shakes and eggs and occasional desserts for fun) so I don't lose any more weight.
(e) all three boys will be in traditional school in the fall (newsflash that we homeschooled last school year). It will help with rest but still makes me teary to see them leave.

That's it!! Heading to the cabin so out of pocket until Monday.
Jesus, I trust in You.

Five days after chemo (aka: "Good Day #1)

I always know that it's time to post when I get a fourth text asking how I am 😆. Thank you for caring about me and remembering me. I really do love to hear from people even if I'm a terrible responder.

Today is the fifth day after Chemo #2 and I feel pretty good.

A brief outline of the last 5 days:

Thursday  - Actual treatment day; I described it extensively in the last post. Watched bad TV, spent time with the boys and slept. Still had the 5FU pump attached to my clavicle. Awkward but not so bad.

1. Friday - Still have the pump. My hands started to feel like I had slapped something very hard. It wasn't painful, but not awesome either. Although I was pretty tired, I slept less than last round. Decided I hate every person on the TV show,  Below Deck (sorry, guys, I know we've gotten close). Watched two Hunger Games movies and cried for the rebels as they died in the tens of thousands. Actually commented on Facebook posts, which I never do. Slept better than last round, so that's a win. 
2. Saturday - Hoped I'd feel better but actually got a bit more sick. I've decided that "post day 2" is my "Existential Day" and I spent a good deal of time reflecting, moping, praying a bit but mainly just laying on my side. In the afternoon, Shawn (yes, my Shawn) removed my pump by disconnecting it, injecting my port with saline and then heparin while I prayed he didn't accidentally kill me (mostly because the scars it would leave on him and the boys). I will more than likely do an entire post on this process because all I could do at the end was kiss him and say, "...in sickness and in health." Those vows are really coming in handy for me these days. 
3. Sunday - Wow, did I plan on feeling better by Sunday. We even made it to Mass and saw a lot of people I was hoping to see and speak to. I cried during both the Psalm: (33 - "May your kindness, O Lord, be upon us who have put our hope in you") and the Gospel (Luke 12 - "For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be" & "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more"). But, in the end, I was just really, really sick. We headed home and I was out. 
4. Monday - My posse of men went to the cabin for the day to clean, do some work and have fun. I was literally angry that I did not feel well. If you're wondering if I have down and bad days, you should call me on the fourth day after chemo. I can fill your cup with darkness. It was good that the boys were gone but I missed them and wanted the distraction of their noise - the realness of it. I want to write that "God and I have words" on this fourth day...but it's not true. God and I sit next to each other on this day and He must watch TV with me because we don't really talk then. But, I did talk to my mom and I did pray the Rosary (my other mom) and I found out that a little boy - just a teenager from my hometown - killed himself and all I could do was offer all of my sadness for him and his family. Because I'm fighting so hard to stay alive and I wish I could have given my drive to this little boy (anyone under 20 is a little kid to me). It breaks my heart that he lost his joy. If I make it through all of this, all I want to do is help these kids find joy. 
5. Tuesday (today) - I know the moment I wake up that it's a "feel better day." Today was instantly a day I felt better. I am so incredibly grateful for this day. That I could cook. That I could clean. That I could read cookbooks and take a walk with Shawn and hang out with my fave neighbor (Shout out, Chris!!) and spend three minutes with another friend at pick up. I even bought the worlds' most cheesy text stickers. And I'm back to my "the glass is always full with something" opinion about life. It's either totally full of water, half filled with water and half with air or totally filled with air. Always. Totally. Full. 

Because "where your treasure is, there also will your heart be." Please pray for Joe. 

Jesus, I Trust in You. 

Second Chemo Down

I am just home and the "pre-medicine" steroids are keeping me up and helping me feel good. They'll all wear off tomorrow so I most likely won't post. Just a very quick update from today:

Very similar to the First Chemo - except that I met with my doctor (Dr. NP) before treatment to go over my bloodwork and vitals. Just for background, they run tests on the patients' blood before administering anything so that the doctors can see how the previous chemos effected the patient. If certain levels are low or elevated, this can change the course of treatment and even cancel or reschedule cycles until levels are normal.

Everything was great with me. I have very low blood pressure, but this is normal for me. But, because nothing can go without a splash of hilarity in my life, Dr. NP told me that I am losing too much weight. This might not be funny to you, but as a woman whose one dream as a teenager was for someone to tell me I needed to start drinking shakes and fatten up, I just started to laugh when Dr NP mentioned it. She asked, "How much weight have you lost?" and her male intern went to my file to check. Student Dr. "young-but-serious-looking" mumbled, "Five pounds."

Five pounds? Seriously? But Dr NP said, "You cannot be losing weight during chemo." And she was stern. My literal response was, "I have never in my entire life had a problem with putting on weight. I honestly don't think it will be a problem."  I really think she was under the impression that I'm losing weight on purpose! Like this is some type of "death or weight loss" reality show! She ended with, "I want to see those 5lbs back on by the 22nd (my next chemo treatment)". Thankfully, a couple of our best friends and their youngest son are coming to visit and I will use this entire conversation as an excuse to drink wine and have a large piece of chocolate cake in honor of her birthday. I will simply look at the rest of the cake and any beer Shawn consumes and I will gain back 7lbs just because I know my body and it will be making a point (and because that has been my life experience so far).

After fat-camp, I started my three chemo drugs. The only little blip was that I experienced a tingling in my hands (not feet, though) and my mouth felt like it was coated with something yucky. My nurse assured me that this was a side-effect of Oxaliplatin (my most intense drug). I was given Benedryl and then another steroid to keep the effects at bay. This is all standard procedure and was very mild and was gone (or very faint) after I finished the Oxaliplatin. [Side-note that it has platinum in it and Shawn and I always joke that our wedding bands are "platinum shackles" -- but now I know what a real platinum shackle is like.]

This moment, I am exhausted while also being hyped up on steroids, so I'm going to go sit down and watch bad TV. And probably eat a cookie (gluten-free with natural sugar). Working on the freshman-five (of chemo).

Still in the Hand of God. Praying for the father who sat next to me in treatment while his wife and  three toddler/preschool aged kids waited in the waiting room. Please add in an extra prayer for them. I didn't get his name, but I do understand the outline of his story. And God will know who we mean.

How to Pray at All Times

So, people who know me know that I am obsessed with reading. I have a Masters Degree in Literature and pride myself on actually enjoying reading things that most other people find totally boring (because I am also a complete dork). I love fiction but also have a soft spot for biographies and self-help memoirs light on advice but heavy on anecdotes. I love to learn from other peoples' stories.  I have spent nineteen years driving my husband crazy reading varying degrees of "self-help" books. When I have a problem to tackle, I will spend hours reading what others have done to overcome (most often snippets from a lot of books because I don't have a lot of patience for whining). But at my core, I am obsessed with historical non-fiction and memoirs. I firmly believe that people have not changed one bit in our countless years of consciousness on the planet. I love reading what drove people in the past and what they valued. But I most enjoy reading it in their own words.

And when I felt St Alphonsus De Liguori reaching out to me, it was natural for me to order every book he'd ever written so that I could "get to know" this holy man more intimately. It's what I do.

The first thing I'm reading is one of the earliest works of St. Alphonsus first published in 1753. Just for reference, the US was still colonies at this point; Johnathan Edwards and David Hume were publishing theological and political essays; The British museum was granted a charter (to begin building); and Linnaeus instituted the taxonomy of animals and plants that we still use today.

St Alphonsus wrote "A method of conversing continually and lovingly with God" renamed How to Pray at All Times after translation to English.  I have only read one chapter so far and I was so struck by how modern and True it sounded, that I knew I wanted to share his quotations on the blog rather than just write about the difficulties of chemo (I'm writing this the day before, just for clarity). I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that later.

For today, there are some thoughts to ponder from 266 years ago:

• "...He loves you as though He had no one else to love but you alone" (5). 

• "If, then, you desire to please His merciful Heart, converse with Him henceforward with the greatest possible confidence and tenderness" (6). 

• "'I have written you in my hands; your walls are always before My eyes' (Isaiah 49:16). In these words, God says to you in effect: 'Beloved soul, why are you timid or distrustful? I have written you in My hands so as never to forget to do you good" (6). 

• "'My delights are to be with the children of men' (Proverbs 8:31). If one may so express it - the paradise of God is the heart of man...accustom yourself to speak to Him alone, familiarly, with confidence and love, as to the dearest friend you have, the Friend who loves you most" (7). 

As I go to chemo, I am written onto the hand of God.

Jesus, I trust in You.

"Normal" days

I realize I haven't posted in a bit. Mainly, it is because I have been relishing in the "normal" days we've been having. Swim play dates, regular play dates, back to school shopping and cleaning. I am relishing the buying of school supplies (mostly on Amazon) and new backpacks. Things that drove me crazy throughout parenting (like back-to-school lists) are shining lights of normalcy right now.

I've been having some tough pain-days which we're hoping is the medicine working.  The hardest part of all of this (so far) has been my complete change in energy level. I am a do-er - a "let's get this done" kind of girl. Cancer has changed that. I get to the point where I'm just "done" every day and I have the accompanying annoyed attitude at Shawn and the boys (and unsuspecting friends and strangers). That annoyed women is not who I want to be. I can't stand her (even as I am her). It's those moments that I am really angry for having cancer. That these run-away cells can change who I am fundamentally.

Today (just like everyone warned), is the "day before chemo" and I feel good. Really, really, "get some stuff done" good. So, I block my consciousness from thinking of "round 2" tomorrow. There is some evidence that fasting before chemo helps in the uptake of the drugs to the cancer cells, so I'm only having water and broth today. I have an acupuncture appointment because there is some evidence that this can help with pain, nausea and warding off the severe neuropathy that comes with this type of chemo. I'm basically doing everything I did last time because round 1 seemed bearable. I'm taking this day of feeling good and trying to finish little chores that drive me crazy thinking about as I lie around after the chemo.

I just want to be who I was this day last year. But, I don't think that person will ever really come back.    I have become the woman who is living day by day and grasping everything I can from the moments and hours because there are no gaurentees.

Along with grasping moments is the fact that I've really fallen in love with people. Take, for example, all of the people who have brought meals to our family. I can't express how much this has helped us. Every piece of food left in the ice chest is like a love letter (and sometimes from people we don't know). I honestly tear up every time I see the food. I don't understand how people can take the time to buy, make and then drive the food over to our house. It's incredible, really. There is so much bad going on, but people are still loving my family and me every other day and I know how much time it takes. And the food is so good. And our neighbors who call or text every day and ask what they can do...and the teachers from the kids' school who have texted and called and reached out...It's still a whirl-wind of care and concern. Humbling isn't even a strong enough word. It's shockingly beautiful.

A number of times, I have thought of this quotation:


I also have  couple of friends I need to "shout out" by name:
My friend, Wendy (who has been a close friend for a long time), had this wrist band made for me with quotations from the blog.

The other side says, "You were made for greatness." 

And Wendy's husband and daughter were on a trip to Montana and snapped some pictures of the beautiful basilica there. 

 Another friend from teaching days, sent me this tank top which I wear on some of my walks. She didn't even know that this is a FAVORITE family saying. My boys will even say it after they complain about work because they know they'll hear it from Shawn. Thank you, Angie! and for everything!!

Chemo tomorrow morning. 

"Bear well in mind that you have neither friend, nor brother, nor father, nor mother, nor spouse, nor lover, who loves you more than God" St Alphonsus de Liguori (1753)

Missing Out...

Karen told me that one of the hardest things for her about chemo was missing out on once-in-a-lifetime events. This weekend is one of those events for me.

My Aunt Kathy and Uncle Gary are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary in Southern California this weekend. We were supposed to go back. We haven't been back for 6 years (maybe close to 7) and there are so many people to see (which is why it's been hard to plan a trip back)...but most of all, I will miss celebrating my Aunt and Uncle.

Kathy got me my first job out of college.
They both saw me through a series of dumb, train-wreck relationships.
They took me into their home (like almost 100 other people) when I needed to save money.
They loved Shawn the minute they met him. Our parents first met at their house.
Our engagement party was at their house. Two of my baby showers.
I stayed with them when I was ordered to stay on bed rest when we were visiting from Canada. They watched my boys after they arrived. Played with them. Loved them.
They came to flag-football games and t-ball games (the worst of all baseball games). They hosted Easter egg hunts and swim-party afternoons for all of the cousins.
We wanted to celebrate them. We wanted C and H to remember.
We wanted - so much - to see the cousins we left, love, miss.
We planned to see so many friends...
...my most precious Shelia, who saved me when I was drowning in pregnancy and toddlers and living in Orange County (where I was most definitely not fit to be a Real Housewife)...

So we won't be there this weekend, but we will be there soon. Like September, God-willing😘
And thank you, Kathy and Gary, for loving me so well. For loving my family. For being beautiful examples of finding the love of your life and sticking with them "for better or for worse."
I love you.

 Shelia and H (as a baby with the curls!!)

 Mom and Kathy (my favorites)

Kathy and Gary

 Easter egg hunts and holding the H

Alphonsus Liguori

Today, I'm simply thankful that I have a week's reprieve from a chemotherapy treatment. I will have my next cycle starting on Aug. 8th and then every other Thursday until the beginning of September. In terms of health, I feel pretty good. The similarity to a rough first trimester of pregnancy continues. I am amazed at how tired I feel after 3:00pm every day. As someone whose life normally begins after 3:00pm, this is a big change for me.  And the bag continues to be...yucky and rough. It's not so much difficult as it is hard to live with. I promise I'm not trying to complain - just to let you know how I'm doing.

On another "crazy God note," a month ago, a friend lent us a 1st class relic of St Alphonsus Liguori. Eventually, this relic will be a part of the renovated Church our parish is planning. Currently, this piece of St Alphonsus sits on my night stand and I touch it quickly before bed (and honestly don't really say or think anything. Just hope). I will say that I'm not much of a relic person and I am respectful but don't give them much thought in general. I was touched by the prayerful thought of my friend and her family.

So, I was surprised this morning when I had an overwhelming push to go to Church. I just woke up and knew I needed to go to daily Mass. We do try to go everyday, but our summer is like your summer, and life can get in the way sometimes...but today there was no question. I kissed Shawn good-bye and was a little late to our local Church.

Imagine my shock when I get there and Father J says, "Today is the Feast of St Alphonsus Liguori." I didn't know anything about him. I wasn't as excited about his relic as I probably should have been. But in an instant, I knew he wanted me there. I knew he was praying for me, this holy man from the late 16/early 1700's. I can't explain what it was like to feel he was there with me, like a friend from 400 or so years ago. A brother who cared about me even though I knew nothing about him.

So, student that I am, I looked him up:

St Alphonsus Liguori (1696 - 1787)
He was the oldest of 8 kids in a noble family; became a lawyer. At 27, he decided to become a priest. He ministered to homeless and marginalized youth. He founded the Redemptorists, who preach in city slums. He had a large heart for the poor and the most abandoned. He loved music, painting, poetry and writing. He is especially known for his clear writing on prayer, love and his relationship with Christ. He is considered a great master of the interior life and a Doctor of the Church.

I feel like I've found a new friend who loves all of the things I love. And I know without a doubt that he is praying for my healing. That I have an intercessor who found me.