Five days after chemo (aka: "Good Day #1)

I always know that it's time to post when I get a fourth text asking how I am 😆. Thank you for caring about me and remembering me. I really do love to hear from people even if I'm a terrible responder.

Today is the fifth day after Chemo #2 and I feel pretty good.

A brief outline of the last 5 days:

Thursday  - Actual treatment day; I described it extensively in the last post. Watched bad TV, spent time with the boys and slept. Still had the 5FU pump attached to my clavicle. Awkward but not so bad.

1. Friday - Still have the pump. My hands started to feel like I had slapped something very hard. It wasn't painful, but not awesome either. Although I was pretty tired, I slept less than last round. Decided I hate every person on the TV show,  Below Deck (sorry, guys, I know we've gotten close). Watched two Hunger Games movies and cried for the rebels as they died in the tens of thousands. Actually commented on Facebook posts, which I never do. Slept better than last round, so that's a win. 
2. Saturday - Hoped I'd feel better but actually got a bit more sick. I've decided that "post day 2" is my "Existential Day" and I spent a good deal of time reflecting, moping, praying a bit but mainly just laying on my side. In the afternoon, Shawn (yes, my Shawn) removed my pump by disconnecting it, injecting my port with saline and then heparin while I prayed he didn't accidentally kill me (mostly because the scars it would leave on him and the boys). I will more than likely do an entire post on this process because all I could do at the end was kiss him and say, "...in sickness and in health." Those vows are really coming in handy for me these days. 
3. Sunday - Wow, did I plan on feeling better by Sunday. We even made it to Mass and saw a lot of people I was hoping to see and speak to. I cried during both the Psalm: (33 - "May your kindness, O Lord, be upon us who have put our hope in you") and the Gospel (Luke 12 - "For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be" & "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more"). But, in the end, I was just really, really sick. We headed home and I was out. 
4. Monday - My posse of men went to the cabin for the day to clean, do some work and have fun. I was literally angry that I did not feel well. If you're wondering if I have down and bad days, you should call me on the fourth day after chemo. I can fill your cup with darkness. It was good that the boys were gone but I missed them and wanted the distraction of their noise - the realness of it. I want to write that "God and I have words" on this fourth day...but it's not true. God and I sit next to each other on this day and He must watch TV with me because we don't really talk then. But, I did talk to my mom and I did pray the Rosary (my other mom) and I found out that a little boy - just a teenager from my hometown - killed himself and all I could do was offer all of my sadness for him and his family. Because I'm fighting so hard to stay alive and I wish I could have given my drive to this little boy (anyone under 20 is a little kid to me). It breaks my heart that he lost his joy. If I make it through all of this, all I want to do is help these kids find joy. 
5. Tuesday (today) - I know the moment I wake up that it's a "feel better day." Today was instantly a day I felt better. I am so incredibly grateful for this day. That I could cook. That I could clean. That I could read cookbooks and take a walk with Shawn and hang out with my fave neighbor (Shout out, Chris!!) and spend three minutes with another friend at pick up. I even bought the worlds' most cheesy text stickers. And I'm back to my "the glass is always full with something" opinion about life. It's either totally full of water, half filled with water and half with air or totally filled with air. Always. Totally. Full. 

Because "where your treasure is, there also will your heart be." Please pray for Joe. 

Jesus, I Trust in You.