I've been having some tough pain-days which we're hoping is the medicine working. The hardest part of all of this (so far) has been my complete change in energy level. I am a do-er - a "let's get this done" kind of girl. Cancer has changed that. I get to the point where I'm just "done" every day and I have the accompanying annoyed attitude at Shawn and the boys (and unsuspecting friends and strangers). That annoyed women is not who I want to be. I can't stand her (even as I am her). It's those moments that I am really angry for having cancer. That these run-away cells can change who I am fundamentally.
Today (just like everyone warned), is the "day before chemo" and I feel good. Really, really, "get some stuff done" good. So, I block my consciousness from thinking of "round 2" tomorrow. There is some evidence that fasting before chemo helps in the uptake of the drugs to the cancer cells, so I'm only having water and broth today. I have an acupuncture appointment because there is some evidence that this can help with pain, nausea and warding off the severe neuropathy that comes with this type of chemo. I'm basically doing everything I did last time because round 1 seemed bearable. I'm taking this day of feeling good and trying to finish little chores that drive me crazy thinking about as I lie around after the chemo.
I just want to be who I was this day last year. But, I don't think that person will ever really come back. I have become the woman who is living day by day and grasping everything I can from the moments and hours because there are no gaurentees.
Along with grasping moments is the fact that I've really fallen in love with people. Take, for example, all of the people who have brought meals to our family. I can't express how much this has helped us. Every piece of food left in the ice chest is like a love letter (and sometimes from people we don't know). I honestly tear up every time I see the food. I don't understand how people can take the time to buy, make and then drive the food over to our house. It's incredible, really. There is so much bad going on, but people are still loving my family and me every other day and I know how much time it takes. And the food is so good. And our neighbors who call or text every day and ask what they can do...and the teachers from the kids' school who have texted and called and reached out...It's still a whirl-wind of care and concern. Humbling isn't even a strong enough word. It's shockingly beautiful.
A number of times, I have thought of this quotation:
I also have couple of friends I need to "shout out" by name:
My friend, Wendy (who has been a close friend for a long time), had this wrist band made for me with quotations from the blog.
The other side says, "You were made for greatness."
And Wendy's husband and daughter were on a trip to Montana and snapped some pictures of the beautiful basilica there.
Another friend from teaching days, sent me this tank top which I wear on some of my walks. She didn't even know that this is a FAVORITE family saying. My boys will even say it after they complain about work because they know they'll hear it from Shawn. Thank you, Angie! and for everything!!
Chemo tomorrow morning.
"Bear well in mind that you have neither friend, nor brother, nor father, nor mother, nor spouse, nor lover, who loves you more than God" St Alphonsus de Liguori (1753)
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