Prayer Time

Today is the Feast of St. Monica (mother of Augustine of Hippo, who's pretty famous). In our faith, we celebrate the feasts of a lot of women and an abundance of moms. I know that I've gotten burnt out and at the end of my rope (at the end of the strings of my rope) as a wife and mother, so it helps to hear the stories of holy women who went before me. It's also nice to celebrate the "women behind the men" (so to speak). As the mother of a future philosopher (I'm pretty sure) & a few party boys, I'm glad to know it wasn't all roses for St Monica either.

And it brings me to today, where I spent a few minutes with some mom-friends of mine (Kim and Jane) and was so encouraged just talking to them. Thank you, girls, for snippets of real conversation.

I felt a little push after a number of conversations to write something I heard in my prayer the other day. I want to say that people talk about meditation and prayer a lot. If you're anything like me, you might spend half of a conversation wondering "What does that mean? Like, really? What do they DO?" I'm a little obsessed with how people actually live their lives (when no one is watching) yet I hate to share intimate details of my own life (it might not seem like it, but I'm only doing this blog because Jesus told me to). I know that there are a lot of formulas and cute acronyms to follow but I wanted to state - practically- how I pray- in case you wonder "How does she think she hears God all the time?" (because that seems crazy and I know that).

Full Caveat -  how I pray changes but when I'm stuck, I normally fall back into this routine.

Second Caveat (so I guess that first one wasn't full) - My heart guides the way I pray. I have always talked to God the way I talk to everyone else (jokes and all).  I figure that He's God and He made me so He'll "get me" as I am.

Here are my "steps" -

1) I almost always start with on-line live Eucharistic adoration on my smart phone or tablet. Adoration (click here). I set my phone up where I'm sitting and I click on the link to adoration. I say, "You are here. You love me. I belong to You." Then, I talk about whatever.

2) Because I'm a reader (and don't just trust voices in my head...) I have something to read so that I can trust it's something God would say and not something I just make up on the fly. I try to read the the Office from the Liturgy of the Hours every day. I have 2 apps on my phone that have the readings of the Office Universalis and Laudate . It's readings from the Bible (mostly Psalms but also New Testament) that ordained ministers and many religious people are required to say every day (click on the link for more info). It only takes about 5 minutes to "say" (ie: read) the Office.

3)Usually, at this point, my head is swimming with things the Holy Spirit is trying to get me to hear. So, I just sit there. I sit there and I think about those thoughts. I'm a writer, so I write the main thoughts down (I have prayer journals dating back to High School that shame me regularly).

4) Right now, I will also read a short snippet from St. Alphonsus Liguori (but I have other things too) and I'm always amazed that everything connects somehow. I am slow to hear and terrible at quieting my head and heart, so God has to kinda' scream at me and this humbles me (the girl who thinks she's so smart). When I feel the truth of who I am, this is when I let God love me. And what he spoke to me a few days ago is the entire reason I'm writing this post.

So...here it is:

Jesus doesn't want you to do it by yourself. 
Jesus doesn't want you to be strong (he's not a PE teacher)
Jesus wants you to let go. 
Jesus wants to hold you. Help you. 
He's not rules. He's a person. 
He wants you to crack open your heart a tiny bit and ask Him inside. 
Then...let go. There's no formula (they are there to help)
If Jesus is too much, ask God the Father or the Holy Spirit to come (They are all the same). 
Just look at them and say, "Hey."
Then LET IT GO.
Tell God, "You're going to have to do this. Because I can't or won't or don't even want to...But I'll let you in if You're really there and really love me." 

Alphonsus' "How to Pray at All Times" entire Chapter 4 is one page titled, "How God Answers the Soul" so I'll post that tomorrow (it's a paragraph).

And - just for clarity - some days I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling and say, "You're going to have to do it all today, because I'm out." And that was even before cancer.

Fingertips still feel like I'm touching fiberglass whenever I touch something cold....but today is still a wonderful day.