*This is long and philosophical - just a head's up*
This song has been a running soundtrack for me lately
So, every day, the boys and I listen to a podcast on the way to school. It's called "Catholic Sprouts" and it's 8 minutes of really good stuff. I use it as our religion class since they attend a public school now. I'm not sure the boys are getting a lot out of it, but it's been amazing for me personally (and they are actually learning & praying a lot because of it). I wholeheartedly recommend it. Podcast/website
This week the podcast has featured lessons on the Trinity and the short lessons have perfectly entwined with my personal prayer to the point where I feel like God is more real to me this week than my actual daily activities. Case in point: Tuesday's lesson was on the immensity of God. Like, how we honestly can't wrap our brains around God (which is my guess as to why people refuse to believe He's real). She (the podcast speaker) used the story of St Augustine where St Gus was trying to figure out the Trinity while walking on a beach. He ran into a little boy who had dug a hole and was using a bucket to fill the hole with water. The boy would run to the water over and over to fill the hole. St Gus asked what he was doing and the boy said, "I'm trying to bring all the sea into this hole." Of course, St Augustine said, "That's impossible. The hole can't contain all that water." And the boy answered, "It is no more impossible than what you are trying to do - comprehend the immensity of the mystery of the Holy Trinity with your small intelligence." Then the boy disappeared.
The podcast ended with a "challenge" to take 3 quiet minutes and picture the most immense thing we could think of. H and I both pictured the universe (although we can't really picture the reality of its size either). It was an incredibly important 3 minutes to me because I was also able to picture how incredibly small I am compared to anything as large as God. All of these concepts challenge me. I want to understand everything...but they also give me peace because I can accept how truly tiny I am and that my failings are just to be expected. God doesn't expect understanding. He just wants love and trust. And those two things are so hard for this typeA-child-who-can-study-and-understand-everything-just-try-me. Love and trust are challenges.
Which brings me to Jacob. Jacob was the guy in the Bible who stole his older brother's birthright by tricking his dad (jerk); was tricked into marrying an older sister (Leah) when he wanted the younger sister (kinda' deserved it); he also married the younger sister (because you could in the Old Testament) and basically loved her more (Rachel); Jacob had to run away from his father-in-law (they make up before his families leaves) and journey to try and reconcile with the aforementioned older brother (Esau). The best part in THIS story is that this is the man God chose to call, "Israel" (as in "the people of Isreal" and the current entire nation of). For some reason, every time I pray, God whispers the similarities of my life experience and Jacob's experience (I mean this in all humility that I identify with the bad choices. I'm not setting up a nation or anything).
At the beginning of the Journey (when he's running from his angry older brother), Jacob sleeps out in the open and has a dream that "there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold, the Lord stood above it and said, 'I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your decendants...Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go..."(Gen 28:12-22). Now, I'm guessing from his past behavior that Jacob had pretty much been living his life and not really thinking about the God of anybody, so he was understandably freaked out by this dream and takes the rock he was lying on and makes it an altar and promises to make this altar God's house and to give God a 10th of everything he has if God's promises come true (always the negotiator).
Being told that I have a disease that I will probably, eventually die from was similar to a nightmare or a giant dream where I was suddenly confronted with whether or not I truly believe in that ladder (for Christians, Jesus fulfilled the promise of and is the ladder see John1:51) and I do identify with the fact that this has made heaven and God more important topics in my life when I was genuinely living happily with my fun and busyness. Fun and busyness aren't bad, but I truly believe God wants more from me.
Which leads to the next big event for Jacob - While he's waiting to meet with and reconcile with his big brother, Jacob sends his two wives and 11 children and all that he possesses ahead of him (it doesn't really say why). He is then "left alone; and a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day" (Gen 32:24). Jacob is doing pretty well in the fight, until the man "touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint." The man says he has to go, but Jacob demands a blessing. The man asks Jacob's name and when Jacob answers, the man says, "Your name shall no more be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and men, and have prevailed."
I know it really only matters to me, but I think of this story every time the doctors talk about the mysterious place in my hip that could be cancer or could be healing (still no MRI but I don't know why and don't press it yet).
Because the Church teaches (and most Bible scholars, really...I'm not sure about the Jewish teaching on this story but I will study it) that this is "a symbol of prayer as a battle of faith and as the triumph of perseverance (CCC 2573)" which is "marked by trust in God's faithfulness and by certitude in the victory promised...(CCC2592)." And who is this battle with? Against whom? "Against ourselves and the wiles of the tempter who does all he can to turn away people from prayer, away from union with God. We Pray As We Live, because we live as we pray...the 'spiritual battle'... is inseparable from the battle of prayer. (CCC 2725)
So all week (as my hip has felt better than it has in months), God has been telling me that He's Bigger than I can imagine and that He wants me to see Him and trust Him and believe I'll have the victory because I am constantly wrestling and asking for a blessing. He wants me to pray the way I live and live the way I pray. I was not paying close attention to God before all this; but I know He understands because I am so tiny. He's letting me wrestle because I must battle before I can be more than what I was. I think God wants this from everyone. I think He loves us enough to keep trying to get our attention so we can just let go and trust. And that takes prayer. We have to battle.
At the beginning of the Journey (when he's running from his angry older brother), Jacob sleeps out in the open and has a dream that "there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold, the Lord stood above it and said, 'I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your decendants...Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go..."(Gen 28:12-22). Now, I'm guessing from his past behavior that Jacob had pretty much been living his life and not really thinking about the God of anybody, so he was understandably freaked out by this dream and takes the rock he was lying on and makes it an altar and promises to make this altar God's house and to give God a 10th of everything he has if God's promises come true (always the negotiator).
Being told that I have a disease that I will probably, eventually die from was similar to a nightmare or a giant dream where I was suddenly confronted with whether or not I truly believe in that ladder (for Christians, Jesus fulfilled the promise of and is the ladder see John1:51) and I do identify with the fact that this has made heaven and God more important topics in my life when I was genuinely living happily with my fun and busyness. Fun and busyness aren't bad, but I truly believe God wants more from me.
Which leads to the next big event for Jacob - While he's waiting to meet with and reconcile with his big brother, Jacob sends his two wives and 11 children and all that he possesses ahead of him (it doesn't really say why). He is then "left alone; and a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day" (Gen 32:24). Jacob is doing pretty well in the fight, until the man "touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint." The man says he has to go, but Jacob demands a blessing. The man asks Jacob's name and when Jacob answers, the man says, "Your name shall no more be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and men, and have prevailed."
I know it really only matters to me, but I think of this story every time the doctors talk about the mysterious place in my hip that could be cancer or could be healing (still no MRI but I don't know why and don't press it yet).
Because the Church teaches (and most Bible scholars, really...I'm not sure about the Jewish teaching on this story but I will study it) that this is "a symbol of prayer as a battle of faith and as the triumph of perseverance (CCC 2573)" which is "marked by trust in God's faithfulness and by certitude in the victory promised...(CCC2592)." And who is this battle with? Against whom? "Against ourselves and the wiles of the tempter who does all he can to turn away people from prayer, away from union with God. We Pray As We Live, because we live as we pray...the 'spiritual battle'... is inseparable from the battle of prayer. (CCC 2725)
So all week (as my hip has felt better than it has in months), God has been telling me that He's Bigger than I can imagine and that He wants me to see Him and trust Him and believe I'll have the victory because I am constantly wrestling and asking for a blessing. He wants me to pray the way I live and live the way I pray. I was not paying close attention to God before all this; but I know He understands because I am so tiny. He's letting me wrestle because I must battle before I can be more than what I was. I think God wants this from everyone. I think He loves us enough to keep trying to get our attention so we can just let go and trust. And that takes prayer. We have to battle.
For someone so little, you truly have a beautiful grasp on God's greatness and love for us--and you can explain it to my simple little brain! May God continue to bless you, Bridge--He's doing great work in you, and by extension those of us blessed to be on this journey with you (in spirit!). Continued prayers, my friend!
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