Ordinary Time(s)

**edited once my husband read it**
All is Well here in Colorado - despite the snow then 70's then snow and rain. It's Fall for us all.

For Catholics, "Ordinary Time" is coming to an end this Sunday (11/24) and a new church year begins with the  Feast of Christ the King (this happens every year. I'm not talking about the apocalypse or anything). Then...Advent begins 12/1 and the slow roll to Christmas (it's not slow...I'm kidding). 

I've been enjoying knowing I won't have chemo until Dec. 5th and it's amazing how even little things are causing a great amount of joy for me and my boys. 

Shawn and the boys took a cool hike with the youth group

 We live in a Hallmark movie. These are pictures from downtown Littleton, CO. It's seriously quaint and beautiful. 

 We were surprised with seeing good friends at C's basketball tourney today. (This pic is for my brother, Sean. This girl is in 8th grade and over 6' (so is her mom). She's phenomenal and a wonderful girl). 

 C's team did really well for only their 1st and 2nd games. 

 My precious cousin sent me two gifts that have brought me a lot of comfort and joy. I love you, LK. 

We are in a winter wonderland for fall. The cold is tough due to side effects, but is still really beautiful. 

Sometimes, I feel as though I'm doing nothing but "recovering" from all that is happening with the cancer. Then, I read my spiritual friends and this is what they say: 

St. Faustina (758) - "Although exteriorly a thing may be quite ordinary, it is the different manner [in which it is carried out] that only the eye of God catches." 

and St. Mother Teresa - "Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you - you can't begin to know who He wants to be for you..." 

I have come to know how much Jesus thirsts for a relationship with me...and so these ordinary times have become quite extraordinary. And I am so grateful. 

Lourdes

Today I am 5 days out of chemo and, for the first time, I feel really good 5 days later and have great energy to get things done. Maybe it's the amazing messages and texts and visits I received these past three days that have really helped. Maybe I'm getting better. I choose to believe both.

Maybe it's the Hallmark Christmas movies (ha ha - that's for my friend, MBU).

 MBU showed up with "butter braids" of yummy goodness yesterday. Yes, we've already eaten one for breakfast. We didn't know about this holiday treat but we're addicted!!

 Shawn makes sure that something that "grew from the ground" is on every plate of mine and the boys. ("On the negative 34th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - a butter braid and a pear") I hope the fruit cancels out the sugar.

 I had a lot of plans to get things done yesterday, so - of course - someone had to come home from school with a sprained ankle. It wasn't swollen, wasn't warm, didn't look hurt - but I knew that #2 (C) feels love when he is taken care of dramatically....so I ignored the ridiculous co-pay and took him to urgent care.

This is a picture of a perfectly healthy ankle, FYI. 

We left with a $50 ankle brace (co-pay) and stories for C to tell at school about his basketball "injury." I have to say that sometimes irrational care-taking is totally worth it. C's cup is very full today and it only took 2 hours of my time to show him I would go to stupid lengths to make sure he's healthy.  I like to believe that God loves me like this. He makes "all things new" for me every day completely out of love. He sits with me every day just to fill my heart. It was a totally crazy act of love on my part but made me really happy yesterday.

This morning, I've spent most of the morning filling out an application to the Order of Malta because I was recommended for a trip to Lourdes, France in April. [Oh, there's going to be a lot of Catholic explaining with this one...]

First, the Order of Malta:

The Sovereign Order of Malta is one of the oldest institutions of Western and Christian civilisation. A lay religious order of the Catholic Church since 1113 and a subject of international law, the Sovereign Order of Malta has diplomatic relations with over 100 states and the European Union, and permanent observer status at the United Nations. It is neutral, impartial and apolitical.

Today, the Order of Malta is active in 120 countries caring for people in need through its medical, social and humanitarian works. Day-to-day, its broad spectrum of social projects provides a constant support for forgotten or excluded members of society.

It is especially involved in helping people living in the midst of armed conflicts and natural disasters by providing medical assistance, caring for refugees, and distributing medicines and basic equipment for survival.

One of the things The Order does is bring sick people to Lourdes, France for a pilgrimage for healing.
Why Lourdes?

In 1858 in the grotto of Massabielle, near Lourdes, France, the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared 18 times to Bernadette Soubirous, a 14 year old peasant girl. Mary identified herself as The Immaculate Conception. She gave Bernadette a message for all: "Pray and do penance for the conversion of the world." The Church investigated Bernadette's claims for four years before approving devotion to Our Lady of Lourdes. Lourdes has since become one of the most famous shrines, attracting more than a million pilgrims each year. There have been thousands of miraculous cures at this shrine.

When Mary appeared to Bernadette, Mary told her to start digging for the miraculous waters. There was only mud, but Bernadette dug and from that came a spring of water that is still there (and large) today. There is a lot of information about Lourdes on the internet. Here is a small link: Lourdes
There is also a relatively famous movie titled, "The Song of Bernadette" that recounts the entire story.

I have two dear friends who wrote to the order and asked if they would take me on their next pilgrimage (in April). On the pilgrimage, the "malade" (sick person) is lowered into the waters that have been miraculously healing millions of people for years (one of the miracles).

One of the reasons I am most excited is that the Church Feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes is also my birthday, Feb. 11. So I have loved & trusted Our Lady and Bernadette for most of my life.

The application is due Friday and I'll let you know if they approve the trip. Shawn would also go with me and I'm going to beg and see if we could bring the boys along. It could be incredible.

Chemo #9 and our plan

Just a quick update between my sleeping times :)

I had chemo #9 yesterday. The major prayer was for cycle #8 to be last; but insurance company vs PET scan costs got in the way. My Doctor had to really push (and call the 3rd party decision doc) to let me get a 3rd PET scan which will most likely be next week. Dr NP also suggested I just go with the 12 rounds of Chemo that is the standard of care...I really love and trust Dr NP, so I will take the the last 3 rounds. This means (because of Holiday breaks) that I will have my final chemo January 8th. I say my final because we have been having serious conversations with Dr NP that (if all the cancer is gone or has shrunk very small) that I would like to transition to a more alternative cancer treatment of repurposed drugs and killing of the stems cells of cancer.

As background, chemotherapy is very successful with destroying the fast-growing cancer cells (and all other fast-growing cells like hair, stomach flora, top layers of hands and feet and mouth cells). This is the reason for most chemo side-effects. What happens is the chemo kills these fast-growing cancer cells but almost always leaves some internal stem cells of cancer floating around in a person's body. Cancer stem cells are very smart and mutate (often) into cells that are immune to the first type of chemo a patient used. These stem cells float around a persons' body until they land in a new area and build a new, chemo-resistant clump of fast-growing cells. "Remission" means just that - a temporary recovery or "until next time."

When doctors find a new, second location of cancer growth (sometimes years later), this is called a recurrence and the patient must go through treatment again - often with a stronger or new chemotherapy/immunotherapy because these cells are now immune to the chemo that worked at first.

Recurrence is what most cancer patients die from. Colorectal cancer patients almost always die from the spread of the cancer; liver failure, lung failure, or colon failure (they basically starve to death), or they just decide that the first fight was hard enough and they let go.

Because colorectal cancer is seeing a huge "outbreak" in young patients (under 50), there has been a lot of recent research into this type of cancer but it is very far behind breast cancer or childhood cancers which have huge survival rates (some types). Another relatively new surge in cancer treatment is using drugs that are already FDA approved for treating other chronic conditions. These "repurposed drugs" are being found adept at fighting "cancer metabolic pathways" (killing off those pesky stem cells or "starving them"). The leading voice in this research is Jane McClelland who wrote the book How to Starve Cancer. She is basically a 20+ year breast cancer survivor. In her early 30's, she had very aggressive Breast Cancer (with a 3 month prognosis) and had a background in bio research, so she went and found how to starve her cancer cells. She (and many other people) are living a long life using a host of repurposed drugs that have kept the cancer at bay. Many people following her protocol live with "the chronic condition of cancer" but it does not grow or spread. She treats hers similarly to diabetes or HIV where the disease is "controlled if not cured."

After serious prayer and consideration, Shawn and I decided to bring all of this research to Dr NP and ask if she would still be my consulting physician (watching my blood work and ordering my scans) if I stopped the chemo cycles after #12 and switched to these (sometimes prescription) drugs. She said a tentative yes yesterday (because I will still be open to her suggestions and recommendations). Now, Shawn and I just need to clamp down on the research in getting the correct supplements and drugs (the list can be different for each type of cancer). There are some clinics that already use these drugs and other IV protocols for alternative cancer treatment, so we will reach out to the highly recommended places and search out their wisdom.

The best news is that I will hopefully never have anything (but possibly low-dose) chemo again after January. We still plan on totally fighting but taking in account all of the recent alternatives. Also, I really do believe that God is already healing me. That He has taken the worst of it from me and I leave it all at the Cross of Jesus. I trust in Him and all that he has done and is doing. Everything has been so peaceful and clearly led (including finding the best oncologist I could have asked for).

Cancer is terrible but I believe it can be tamed somewhat. We don't need to be terrified if we choose to fight well. Fear is a liar. Fear takes our fight by holding us captive. I will not be a girl standing in a dark corridor staring at a closed door. I have opened the door and I'll keep walking through this dark valley because "I fear no evil." God has led us from the first moment. And I'm excited to live forever with Him (and everyone I love) someday. But I still have a lot to do in this life. So ima gonna do it :)

Thanks for reading.

"Heaven is For Real"

Last night, H and I watched the tail-end of a movie called, "Heaven is for Real." It's the true story of a little boy named Colton Burpo who comes out of a serious operation (where he nearly died) where Colton matter of factly says that he went to heaven and spent time with Jesus before he came back. Now, Colton is 4 at the time, so everyone is pretty skeptical until Colton also explains that he met his Great-grandfather (who died before he was born) and a little girl who said she was his sister who "died in their mommy's tummy" (but Colton didn't know his mother had experienced a miscarriage and no one knew it had been a girl). Colton is very matter of fact about the entire thing and very insistent that it happened. Something I found really interesting is that Colton says none of the pictures he's seen of Jesus really look like him. Colton only affirms a picture of Jesus that is a painting that an 8 year old girl raised in an agnostic home painted after she told her (completely non-believing) mother that she was having regular meetings with the subject of her paintings:

Both of the stories are fascinating but -- obviously -- up to personal opinion whether to be believed or not.

I read the book about Colton a few years ago (I think when it came out) and what struck me the most is how beautiful Colton's description of heaven was and is (he's a normal teenager now but regularly speaks on how he can recall everything the way it happened). He was just a little boy who talked about heaven being beautiful and "rainbow colored" - that everyone was young and "no body wears glasses in heaven" (which I found funny for some reason).

I have to say that I got a little teary watching the movie because I think a lot about heaven these days and even though I believe I will be healed from the cancer, I never pray not to die. I truly believe that heaven is the place where I am called to live forever...having cancer reminds me of that in a very physical way. I have come (after these last months of praying and trusting) to authentically believe that heaven will be better than here, so I am peaceful if God asks me to go sooner than I expected. But I stand on John 10:10 that "A thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy (the devil); I (Jesus) came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly (or "to the full" some Bibles say)." I don't think I'm full yet. I think living through all of this actually has shown me how much more I am called to do.

Here is just a quick excerpt of some of the things Colton said he saw...but my favorite is the last statement:

“Jesus and some angels came and flew me up to heaven.”
Todd asked Colton, “What did Jesus look like?
Colton remembered, “I knew that the first person I saw was Jesus. He was wearing white robes with a purple sash and He just came down nicely and gracefully.”
Colton continued to talk about Jesus having "markers," so eventually Todd had to ask what he meant by "markers?"
"He drops his toys down, stands up and just points," says Todd. "'Dad, they are right here.' And he takes his fingers and points to the palms then he bends down and touches the tops of his feet, and looks up at me. 'That’s where Jesus’s markers were Dad.'"
"I was in the throne room of God to start with," says Colton. "So I got to see what that looked like. I was upset because I didn’t know what was happening. What God did was He used people or things that I liked to calm me down. From then on I felt better."

I learned heaven is for real and you're going to like it," says Colton. 

That's about it except to say that I am feeling good these last few days. Insurance is resisting paying for my getting new scans "so close" to the last scan (it was 8 weeks ago), so I definitely have chemo #9 this Thursday. But we are pushing for scans next week for a better prognosis. All is well and I am having some fun cooking and doing laundry. C & H had a lovely Veterans' Day service at school today (C recited the Gettysburg address with his class) and D is beginning to shadow at his top High School choices (ugh!). It's snowing today but forecast is 60's tomorrow! lovely fall in Colorado!

 8th grade Geometry is no joke. Call in the engineer for help!! :) 

C & H's principal speaking at the assembly - there were many veterans represented. I cried, of course. I always cry when it comes to service men and women. We are so grateful. 

Simple & true

Chemo # 8 +5 days

It's been a few days, surprisingly. I had chemo on the 1st and it's already the 6th, which surprises me. I think it's because the days after chemo are so hard. Chemo itself does not hurt (just for clarity). It might be different for other people (if you had chemo and it did hurt, I'm so sorry). My experience with chemotherapy is that I just sit for a while and talk with people. I actually like that part...I love hearing other peoples' stories. I love feeling like I am walking with them. I love spending time with Shawn and anyone who visits. Clearly, I am a "chatter."

The actual "medicine" comes into my body through the port in my chest and I never feel anything for the first hour. I am given a bag of Benadryl because of allergic side effects I've been having and then the chemo-coma kicks in. I get loopy and act semi-drunk (a good time for others but pretty fuzzy for me). I still talk (surprise) and I am in anything but pain for the next 4 hours or so. I receive four (or 5...it's hard to keep track) different medicines and then I am hooked up to the traveling pump (for three more days). Then, I leave.

I am basically asleep and completely thirsty for the next day and a half (chemo days +1 & 2). I might get up to watch a bad tv show, but only for a bit and then I climb back into bed. Shawn and the boys try to get me to eat for those two days but everything tastes like sand (side effect) and I can't handle anything cold because it feels like it's cutting through my throat. It's a bad day when yogurt is just too much. I have to leave it out of the fridge and let it get "European warm" (room temp - a joke I made up). I drink a lot of protein drinks to keep my stomach full and my calories up. For some random reason, I have had pizza on chemo +2 days after all 8 treatments (probably has a lot to do with no one wanting to cook or the boys having playdates on Saturdays). Also, I can taste pizza, which is nice.

A bonus is that Shawn disconnects the pump 2 days after chemo, so I have more mobility.

The third and fourth days after chemo are my, "I'm dying" days. These are the two worst days. I pretty much just cry and visualize my funeral and miss every little thing about my boys and Shawn. I tell God constantly how much I want to stay alive. I feel the side effects most intensely because the steroids that accompany my chemo have worn off by these days. I both can't eat and feel sick for most of the days. This week had the added bonus of my colostomy bag having issues and our washing machine pump breaking (please don't try to picture how awful it was). These days are the days that I think the chemo will kill me before the cancer does. It's truly terrible. These are the days I sympathize with all of the cancer sufferers and survivors - that I can't believe how strong they all are - how tragic that so many lives have been cut short. I have to force myself to stay away from social media because it can be a dark place when your heart feels dark.

This week, the dying-days lingered and were more intense as the side effects begin to accumulate in my system (My doctor said to expect this). Also, my hair is getting very thin and my skin is starting to get that "cancer look" of wrinkly and grey.

But, today (day +5) I wake up better. I generally have energy and some things taste good. It's almost magic. I can run errands and be more like my authentic self. When people ask me how I'm doing, I actually mean "I feel pretty good!" And I can get things done for the boys (because real life does not stop even if I'm asleep). Today, that means buying new uniforms (stop growing!), hair cuts and youth group for D and C (more dressing up as Saints!) and a possible playdate for H. It means Shawn doesn't have to do everything (although he always does and never complains).

What all of this has done for me is give me a very intense belief that we are all suffering. Just because you don't have cancer doesn't mean you don't feel these same feelings of despair and loss and struggle. Even in my darkest days, I stand on the word of God (especially this verse):

Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand...For I, the Lord your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you 'Fear not, I will help you." (Isaiah 41:10-13)

I believe God says this to me. I read it and re-read it. I believe God holds my hand in all of it. And it's reinforced by my girl, St Maria Faustina who wrote in her diary (between world wars 1 and 2):

698. ..."God loves us with the entire infinite Being that He is..."

and Jesus appeared to her and said, "Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet. My mercy is so great that no mind, be it of man or angel, will be able to fathom it throughout all eternity..." (699)

and I (today, at least) share M. Faustina's thoughts: "O Jesus, how great is Your goodness! Your infinite goodness, so well known to me, enables me to bravely look death in the eye. I know that nothing will happen without God's permission..." (697)

I don't know about bravely looking, but I do trust in Jesus and how much God loves me. And I trust all of this for you too...

On the white board where I get my chemo. Amen, Stuart Scott, Amen.  

Halloween (All Hallow's Eve) AKA single-most-frantic-day of the year

Our porch. The beer-pumpkin is Shawn's (just to be clear) 

It's become a norm in many of today's schools that they do not celebrate Halloween. I know many schools still do, but a number of schools choose to celebrate in different ways due to the diversity of the population. Also, some Catholic schools choose to celebrate Nov. 1, which is All Saints' Day, instead.

I am not against schools choosing NOT to celebrate a holiday if that serves the school better - what IS more difficult is that all of the schools my boys have attended have chosen to celebrate something different by allowing students to dress up in a different way either on Halloween or the next day. 

Case in Point: 

 Today is "presentation day" at C and H's school. H's class is currently studying the Romans, so all of the kids could dress as Romans today. Flash back to 11pm (yes...AT NIGHT) last night when Shawn and I are running all over the house trying to find anything that will make H look like a Roman. He, of course, vetoes everything deemed "uncool" (because he's 8 and I guess this matters now) and I am reduced to cutting up a very nice white pillow case to make a tunic (don't judge me, Pinterest crowd). Thank goodness my children have been obsessed with The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars for a while now, so we had a spare cape that made the cut. It was 22 degrees F this morning, so H had to add compression pants under the pillow case (I bet those Romans wished they had Under Armor!)

 Once at school, H was surrounded by his fellow Romans (with much more crafty parents) and his class recited the pledge of allegiance in Latin. At least, I think they did because the entire thing started 10 minutes early and I walked in during the clapping at the end. A nice mom I had just met videoed the presentation and H saw me... so it all worked out OK in the end.

It's 1 minute (plus a bit) long (and looks fuzzy), but enjoy!
(H is behind the girl with the teal blue striped toga  - on the right)

Roamin' with my Roman (ha ha - had to be done). 

C, on the other hand, insisted he wasn't supposed to dress up and ended up being one of 4 boys who did not dress like Incas, Aztecs or Mayans (the theme of his class). I have to say I was more than a little grateful to him. He had a paper mask, but he didn't wear that either. I won't add his class' presentation, because it's a bit longer and hard to hear (they each had a part). 

This brings me to our eldest child, whose school party and dressing up will happen tomorrow for All Saints' day. He's planning to dress up as Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati (one of my intercessors) but only because he's a modern saint and wore regular dress-up clothes. 

I don't think Dan will wear a suit, but there are other pictures where he's just wearing a nice shirt and pants. in D's words, "Better than a uniform!" Which might be news to all of you office workers who have to dress nicely every day. 

Now, of course my boys will be trick-or-treating tonight (I even moved my chemo to tomorrow for it) and they are going to be wearing 3 TOTALLY different costumes (maybe not D as he can't decide if he cares or not). They will be completely high on sugar but still have to wake up for school tomorrow morning. This week, we've had 2 snow days (3 for D), one presentation day, tomorrow will be another class party day and everyone will not have slept, be out of their minds on sugar and I will be entering a chemo-coma. 

I'm literally looking forward to Christmas Eve because it will be so much more peaceful - even with Mass and last-minute wrapping and the fact that my brother's family will also be here and it will be crazy. But at least they can all wear whatever they want (after Church clothes, of course). 

Chemo #8 tomorrow morning. All those Saints and my saintly friends and family are praying hard because chemo is awful. Scans #2 next week, so I'll keep you posted!! 

An Update of "Normal"

I have been slow to post this week only because everything has been so fun and normal. I absolutely love the week before Chemo because the side-effects are pretty low and my energy is high and our lives get so "busy and boring."

I have chemo on Friday (Nov. 1 - All Saints' Day -the feast day of all of the "unnamed Saints" in heaven). A number of us have been praying a novena (where you pray 9 days in a row) that this chemo #8 might be the last one. I know, Tom, I will be patient even if it doesn't work out that way 😏

A few "Bridgette-weird" things are that a missionary we sponsor (through FOCUS) sent us an update letter but ALSO included a little note that she had found a necklace with saint medals at a garage sale and thought God wanted her to send it to me. The medals are of St Peregrine with a relic on the medal (He is the patron saint of cancer warriors) and St Lucy (who I had a dream of the night before).  Right in the middle of our novena to All Saints. Shawn and I both got a little teary-eyed.

Also, the podcast we listen to with the kids each day had a prayer from St Alphonsus Liguori (my guy) which he said each morning to welcome the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit.

I just felt like those were kisses from heaven for me as I wait on this chemo #8 on All Saints Day. My heavenly cloud has got me for sure.

And here are just a few snaps of what we were up to this weekend:

 Friday Night Bishop Machebeuf v Englewood HS Football (Go Buffs!! They won!!)

 Saturday morning soccer (with another family who we'd seen the night before)

Sat night family pumpkin carving at Uncle C and Aunt S's house!! 

 bringing out the drill (serious business around here) 

 Hard at work (Aunt S on the right is a serious artist). 

 Cousin collection (minus baby J)

 H's monster

Baby J in all her smiley glory!! 

 Colorado weather! This is TODAY! 

 Thank you, Jesus, for seat warmers and 4 wheel drive and late start days and Colorado drivers being so safe this morning (at least where we were) 

Now, I'm off to pick up crazy from school (all of them) and bring it home! 

"Jesus" Saves

Shawn had already seen this, but I have to post it because it is such a fun story.

This story is on most major news wires today, so it could be old news and you might have read it somewhere else. But it snowed last night and I've got a boy home for break and I feel great, so a cut-and-paste is what you get today :)

A Minnesota runner's bib turned out to be more prophetic than he ever could've imagined. (Oct 6, 2019)

Tyler Moon, a 25-year-old General Mills customer operations specialist in the Minneapolis area, entered a 10-mile race earlier this month with a faith-filled message that turned out to be true to his life. 

"So, before the race, my name was originally on the bib," Moon told Fox News. "One day I got a thought -- I thought it was from God and that it should be a profession of faith -- and changed it to 'Jesus Saves,' so that another runner or someone in the audience would see it ... that Jesus saves us for eternity."

On race day on Oct. 6 -- a Sunday morning -- he "felt really good" after eating breakfast, ready to run the race in his orange Wheaties t-shirt with his bib pinned to his shorts: "I'd been looking forward to this race for a while."

The former college football player, who has no history of heart trouble, was running eight-minute miles until the eighth mile, when he collapsed, cracking his head on the pavement, according to the St. Paul Pioneer Press.

Thankfully, a runner named Jesus "Jesse" Bueno, a Lakeville registered nurse anesthetist, was right behind him and quickly helped save his life, alongside another colleague and other medical professionals, who performed chest compressions and assisted his breathing until the ambulance arrived.

Moon's heart -- which he is set to give to Amy Greene, his fiancé  in January -- is just fine.

"When I originally put 'Jesus Saves,' I was hoping that it would help people at the race and in Minneapolis," he said. "I had no idea how far it would go and how it would impact the world ... That's just something I never expected but God's plans are way greater than anything that I could ever think of."

Now he encourages everyone to help others just like he was helped -- big or small -- "just to serve one another."

I love this guy. 

A note from a friend & Pope St John Paul 2

Today (10/22) is the feast day of Pope St. John Paul 2 (the Great). When I was 21, I spent a semester in Europe and was able to to to Rome and see JP2 and took this picture. I was standing on a chair and holding up my camera (when we still used film) and somehow got this image. It's really special to me even if I can't fully express why. He was a very holy man and he loved God so much. I asked JP2 to pray that we would have a baby and very soon after, I was pregnant with H. I know this man is still talking to Jesus for us. I believe he is interceding for me still.

I get a lot of notes and cards and emails and letters from friends and family and I wish I could copy them all here because they are really special and filled with love and memories. Today, I got a short email from a friend. She reflects on small meditations every day and today's was written by St Alphonsus (my man) and she thought of me. It struck me that it really continues with what I was praying about yesterday...that we find our holiness (or purpose) in what is real.

"...when anyone came to the Fathers of the desert and desired to be received by them he was asked: 'Do you bring an empty heart that it may be filled with the Holy Spirit?' And they were right, for a heart filled with things of earth has no room for the love of God. He who brings a vessel filled with earth to the spring will never be able to fill it with water until he empties it of the earth which with it is filled. How does it happen that so many pray and go fervently to Holy Communion [or to Church services] and still make no considerable progress in the love of God? The reason is doubtless because the heart is filled with self-esteem, of vanity, of self-will, and of attachment to creatures. He who wishes to arrive at the perfect love of God must practice poverty in spirit. He must be detached from worldly possessions, from temporal honors, from his fellow creatures and from himself." 

Real. Real is simple. We (I) read a lot of books and articles about "simplifying my life and my home and my office" but I rarely think about simplifying my soul. I think that if we live in the moment, where God is, we will naturally start to detach because we'll be living what is real...The real is solid. It humbles us, challenges us - takes us to a new place.

I have been saying "empty my bucket" and I know God will.

The mountain I have to move is in that bucket. The earth of myself. I have been learning to let it go (because it might really all go sooner than I thought) and then I am filled with the moments I am living. And those moments are where I find God. Where I find what is real.

chemo +5 days - good news & gross news

....Coming out of my "chemo coma" today and I'm happy to share that the chemo board decided that I can have my colostomy reversed (no more bag) during my next "chemo break."!! [The specific dates of the chemo break will depend on scans and the results.] This has brought a very excited joy to my life.

 For clarity, as a Stage 4 cancer patient, the standard thought is that I will never be finished with chemo...so breaks between treatments are just that. But "I believe I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Ps 27:13). I prayed this verse for God to send us children and I pray this verse now that I will see them grow to adulthood. An adulthood where I do not poop into a bag (ha).

Speaking of which, I want to share simply the grossest thing ever. My bag exploded all over our bed this weekend. Yes, all over me and near enough to Shawn and all over my bedding (which I love). I share this because I think people sometimes hide embarrassing events. We pretend they don't happen. We act like everything is perfect and working out well and that "it's all good" - our kids don't fight, our marriages aren't hard work, our families are totally in love and "Hallmark movie" perfect. But  sh*& happens. It happens quite literally in my case. It's embarrassing and yucky and is so much the opposite of who I present to the world. So I share it because I want you to know that your Sh*& does not scare me or horrify me or scandalize me. You are trying so hard (or you are thinking of trying hard). Your real is so much better than anything you can pretend.

I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians this weekend (mindless chemo-coma shows) and I have never watched the show before. I am a little fascinated with Kim's husband, Kanye West, and the "Sunday Services" he plans. But, mostly I started watching because these people are all so beautiful and a little silly and seem to spend most of the time trying to figure out why they all feel the way they feel - and they love-fight a lot. I wondered what would happen to a show like that if someone had a colostomy bag...or cancer...or a baby was born with Down syndrome or autism. They seem like strong women so I think they would rise to the occasion...but I was thinking how much more interesting the show would be if real things happened - not made up problems about ex-boyfriends and getting drunk and sloppy. Or crying over twitter feeds. Real life is so much better than trying to be perfect. It's hard--- but it's so good.

That sends me back to my friend St. Alphonsus:

...Let us bend our energies to serve God in the way he wishes. This remark is made so that we may avoid the mistake of him who wastes his time in idle daydreaming. Such a one says..."if I were to go away from here, leaving friends and companions, I would devote long hours to prayer." If, If, If, --all these If's! In the meantime such a person goes from bad to worse. These idle fancies are often temptations of the devil, because they are not in accord with God's will...we should rouse ourselves to serve God only in that way which he has marked out for us. Doing his holy will, we shall certainly become holy in those surroundings in which he has placed us. Let us will always and ever only what God wills; for so doing, he will press us to his heart. 

I never thought cleaning poop off of my bed would be the quickest way to holiness...well, not since the boys were babies. So real = holiness.  So much easier than the complicated stuff.

A little more of my "real" 

C and Kirby 

 D was a "cereal killer" at the 8th grade Halloween party this weekend

 H went to the coolest "fire station breakfast" birthday 

 My oncology nurses are just amazing women, and I asked if I could post them 

 The prep cart before I get my blood drawn (to see if I will be ok for the chemo)

The second nurse getting me ready for the big stuff. 

The Serenity Prayer

I had spiritual direction today and we talked a lot about the "immensity of God," how all God wants is for us to open our hearts to Him and to accept His love (which takes humility and letting go). At the end, Father told me to start reciting what is considered the full Serenity Prayer used by people in Alcoholics Anonymous. He was commenting that the difficulty we all have with God is actually that we are addicted to distraction. We all know we're going to die, so we spend almost all of our time avoiding death (and suffering) by giving our minds and hearts to things that cannot, ultimately fill us. And then we spend our time trying to figure out our emptiness...and some people are so saddened by our small emptiness that they become depressed or angry or just lost. Mother Teresa was often saying that the greatest poverty of the 21st Century is loneliness.

It is hard to turn to God because He is always in the present moment and sometimes, we don't like our present moments...so we run.

Like, I have chemo again tomorrow. My present moment is making dinner for my boys and helping with the world's largest pile of elementary school homework (thank you, Classical education) while trying to find a minute with Shawn. I am loving my current present moment, cancer or not.

Chemo is not my present moment, but its upcoming effects haunt my mind. My director was saying that God is not there. Not yet. In about 15 hours He'll be there and that is where His power to help me will be. If I spend this present moment worrying, it's not God's Will. I'll miss this moment, where He is. Right now he gives me love and a warm house and good friends' texts and messages. Today, I am not lonely and all of the love is very real.

Tomorrow, I will be fully in the Hand of God who has promised to save me from my sickness. I will pray and sit and talk with Shawn (we are so sad that we have "chemo dates," but we love the quiet time together). I will see my fellow suffering "man groupies" and we will joke about side effects and what we eat. And I will trust in Jesus and His love.

"You shall serve the Lord your God, and I will bless your bread and your water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of you." Exodus 23:25

I pray this every time I eat now. Cancer sufferers are obsessed with what we eat. There are a lot of theories about what is best to fight the cancer. I have chosen to believe that God will bless my food. I still eat as well as I can...but I had 2 mimosas and shared a basket of French fries the other day and I recited this verse as my prayer.

In my present moment, I am serving God. He was totally there when I was having the drinks and fries and a serious talk with a new school-mom friend. Just like He'll be there "taking sickness away" when I am worn out by tomorrow's chemo. When my hands clamp up with neuropathy. When I can't eat anything (or don't want to).

When I just wish I was back helping with homework.

But God's not in the past. He's not in the future. He's just. right. here. So this is where I'll stay.

The Serenity Prayer: 

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, 

and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, 

If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Had a homemade play dough day this week. We haven't done play dough for years (C was embarrassed you might see he's still only 10). It was very special to me as I'm sure we won't have many of these young boy moments left as they are all very cool and sporty now. So I eat up pretending they are still in preschool. 

 gingerbread play dough waffles and "bacon" - I should probably teach them to make the real thing.

My very cool boy asking me not to post pictures of him enjoying this :) Sorry, baby. 

"We live as we pray" - Jacob's ladder and our hips

*This is long and philosophical - just a head's up*

This song has been a running soundtrack for me lately 

So, every day, the boys and I listen to a podcast on the way to school. It's called "Catholic Sprouts" and it's 8 minutes of really good stuff. I use it as our religion class since they attend a public school now. I'm not sure the boys are getting a lot out of it, but it's been amazing for me personally (and they are actually learning & praying a lot because of it). I wholeheartedly recommend it.  Podcast/website

This week the podcast has featured lessons on the Trinity and the short lessons have perfectly entwined with my personal prayer to the point where I feel like God is more real to me this week than my actual daily activities.  Case in point: Tuesday's lesson was on the immensity of God. Like, how we honestly can't wrap our brains around God (which is my guess as to why people refuse to believe He's real). She (the podcast speaker) used the story of St Augustine where St Gus was trying to figure out the Trinity while walking on a beach. He ran into a little boy who had dug a hole and was using a bucket to fill the hole with water. The boy would run to the water over and over to fill the hole. St Gus asked what he was doing and the boy said, "I'm trying to bring all the sea into this hole." Of course, St Augustine said, "That's impossible. The hole can't contain all that water." And the boy answered, "It is no more impossible than what you are trying to do - comprehend the immensity of the mystery of the Holy Trinity with your small intelligence." Then the boy disappeared. 

The podcast ended with a "challenge" to take 3 quiet minutes and picture the most immense thing we could think of. H and I both pictured the universe (although we can't really picture the reality of its size either). It was an incredibly important 3 minutes to me because I was also able to picture how incredibly small I am compared to anything as large as God. All of these concepts challenge me. I want to understand everything...but they also give me peace because I can accept how truly tiny I am and that my failings are just to be expected. God doesn't expect understanding. He just wants love and trust. And those two things are so hard for this typeA-child-who-can-study-and-understand-everything-just-try-me. Love and trust are challenges. 

Which brings me to Jacob. Jacob was the guy in the Bible who stole his older brother's birthright by tricking his dad (jerk); was tricked into marrying an older sister (Leah) when he wanted the younger sister (kinda' deserved it); he also married the younger sister (because you could in the Old Testament) and basically loved her more (Rachel); Jacob had to run away from his father-in-law (they make up before his families leaves) and journey to try and reconcile with the aforementioned older brother (Esau). The best part in THIS story is that this is the man God chose to call, "Israel" (as in "the people of Isreal" and the current entire nation of). For some reason, every time I pray, God whispers the similarities of my life experience and Jacob's experience (I mean this in all humility that I identify with the bad choices. I'm not setting up a nation or anything).

At the beginning of the Journey (when he's running from his angry older brother), Jacob sleeps out in the open and has a dream that "there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold, the Lord stood above it and said, 'I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your decendants...Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go..."(Gen 28:12-22).  Now, I'm guessing from his past behavior that Jacob had pretty much been living his life and not really thinking about the God of anybody, so he was understandably freaked out by this dream and takes the rock he was lying on and makes it an altar and promises to make this altar God's house and to give God a 10th of everything he has if God's promises come true (always the negotiator).

Being told that I have a disease that I will probably, eventually die from was similar to a nightmare or a giant dream where I was suddenly confronted with whether or not I truly believe in that ladder (for Christians, Jesus fulfilled the promise of and is the ladder see John1:51)  and I do identify with the fact that this has made heaven and God more important topics in my life when I was genuinely living happily with my fun and busyness. Fun and busyness aren't bad, but I truly believe God wants more from me.

Which leads to the next big event for Jacob - While he's waiting to meet with and reconcile with his big brother, Jacob sends his two wives and 11 children and all that he possesses ahead of him (it doesn't really say why). He is then "left alone; and a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day" (Gen 32:24). Jacob is doing pretty well in the fight, until the man "touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint." The man says he has to go, but Jacob demands a blessing. The man asks Jacob's name and when Jacob answers, the man says, "Your name shall no more be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and men, and have prevailed."

I know it really only matters to me, but I think of this story every time the doctors talk about the mysterious place in my hip that could be cancer or could be healing (still no MRI but I don't know why and don't press it yet).

Because the Church teaches (and most Bible scholars, really...I'm not sure about the Jewish teaching on this story but I will study it) that this is "a symbol of prayer as a battle of faith and as the triumph of perseverance (CCC 2573)" which is "marked by trust in God's faithfulness and by certitude in the victory promised...(CCC2592)." And who is this battle with? Against whom? "Against ourselves and the wiles of the tempter who does all he can to turn away people from prayer, away from union with God. We Pray As We Live, because we live as we pray...the 'spiritual battle'... is inseparable from the battle of prayer. (CCC 2725)

So all week (as my hip has felt better than it has in months), God has been telling me that He's Bigger than I can imagine and that He wants me to see Him and trust Him and believe I'll have the victory because I am constantly wrestling and asking for a blessing. He wants me to pray the way I live and live the way I pray. I was not paying close attention to God before all this; but I know He understands because I am so tiny. He's letting me wrestle because I must battle before I can be more than what I was. I think God wants this from everyone. I think He loves us enough to keep trying to get our attention so we can just let go and trust. And that takes prayer. We have to battle.