A number of people have asked/called/texted this question over the last week or so and even though they usually quickly add, "silly question," it's really not.
In typical me fashion, my first thought of an answer is a reference to a movie (this is NOT a recommendation, seriously). Specifically, a scary movie out a few years ago titled, "It Follows." The premise is that an embodied evil follows people around in order to get close enough to kill them. The shape it takes can look like anyone and the people being followed can only tell that it's the "Being" because it stares straight at them and walks toward them continuously. It will not stop, so characters are constantly on the run. Whenever someone asks me how I'm doing, I always want to answer, "It Follows."
Because I think the cancer diagnosis just attached itself and became its own being walking with me (or toward me, to continue the metaphor). The absolute truth is that I feel pretty good. I feel exactly the way I felt in May and June. I have some pain from the tumor and a lot of inconvenience because of the new bag. I get pretty tired around 2pm and then I get irritated because the doctors and nurses have said I must work out (walk or cycle or hike) precisely when I'm tired - "Oxygen kills Cancer" (FYI).
The truth is that our boys watched our cleaning lady fight breast cancer all year and survive (a single mom supporting herself by working through it all - my absolute heroine), so they have nothing but hope. They barely mention my health and are more fascinated with the bag. And they are very, very busy:
C's All Star Team (sadly, lost their final game...but still such an awesome experience!)
H's (and Shawn's) team still fighting it out in the season-end tourney!
H qualified for Swim Championships (25 Butterfly & 50 freestyle)
D qualified for Swim Champs (100 Free-8th overall!!, 50 Back & 200 IM)
We are blessed to have so many people inviting the boys over everyday AND I'm so grateful that I still feel well enough to squeeze in some summer fun until the dreaded...chemo begins (see? It Follows).
Shawn is the way you'd expect him to be: kind, obsessed with doing everything we can to beat this, making so many doctor appointments while coaching baseball and juicing every vegetable and fruit he can find and making me drink it. He prints out and leads every novena he can find. For my part, I am committed to doing everything he asks as the leader of my heart and soul. I'm only sad it took cancer for me to embrace how he leads us. It might follow, but it's teaching me things, too.
Lastly, I can't explain the peace, the calm. I have a litany of prayers I pray every day: The Surrender Novena , The Litany of Trust, The I Declares (thank you, JH) - printout below. In the Surrender Novena, the prayer is "O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!" and, although I'm totally doing everything humanely possible to get It to stop following, I know that with one look, Jesus could send It away. My mindset comes 100% from all of your prayers. It's miraculous and I'm so grateful and humbled. I feel your prayers (and the thoughts, which God can make prayers) all of the time.
I know this all begs the question of "why did you get it at all then?" and I am not vain enough (I'm plenty vain) to think that because I'm a wealthy white woman in the United States that I am immune from suffering. I'm peaceful but I'm realistic. Maybe It follows me because I want to use the suffering to help others. For now, I'm just relying on this:
You were made for greatness.
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