Chemo #15 + 6 days

Thank you, Thank you for all of your prayers!! Thank you for the texts and emails and flowers and a very special book I am starting to read...and thank you to Michelle for this:

The mystery is solved and chemo is definitely causing my nausea. Woo-ee did it not get better this round. And I am a baby, so I complained about it a lot (and cried like said baby) to my husband. But, true to form, after about 6 days, I am feeling better and ate semi-regularly and was able to take all of my meds and walk up the street (such a warrior).

Here's a recent photo of myself. I post this because I am vain and I am not looking great. But I'm smiling and outside (above ground and eating solid food). Also, I just want to attest that almost everything I valued about my pre-cancer life (that was about myself) has turned out to mean nothing to me. I just want to BE HERE. So, here I am. 

I read the most grammatically awkward (but really beautiful in meaning) quote today on the rc daily mediation: 

God the Father is incapable of not desiring what is truly best for us. God is and will always be love.

God is INCAPABLE of desiring anything but the best for us. It is outside of His nature.
Trust me, as I sit here with wonky bowels and spots of cancer in important places with young sons and a husband who desperately loves me, I can think, "How can this be best?" I know that everyone reading this has suffered something that does not seem best...

...but God is and will always be love. I have had to remind myself of this over and over these past six days.

And then something will happen and a tiny prayer is answered - one I only whisper. I'll see (or speak to) an old friend and they will remind me that I am an incredibly blessed woman. I'll read a post on social media and feel sorry for someone else. Me. the woman with stage 4 cancer. And I'll realize that I have come to desire only what is truly best for these friends and semi-strangers who I barely know.

I'm just glad I don't need to decide what that is.

God is and will always be love.

And now I need to go help discipline my children who continue in the COVID-lockdown crazy,