"...on earth as it is in heaven..."

I am not a person who goes into detail about my prayer life. It seems strange, but I'm actually not a person who discusses intimate details of my life much at all. I am a funny person, a casual person and a person who likes to talk and laugh; but I have always had a very guarded relationship with my heart and how I share it.

That all seems strange considering I have this blog where a lot of personal information is shared. And I've mentioned it before, but it is because I feel like God asked me to share it. It's always hard for me to write about the deeper parts of myself. I think maybe that's why I have rectal cancer, because butt-jokes come easy when you are raised in a house filled with boys and are now running your own house filled with boys.

But all of this does not mean I don't worry. That I don't struggle falling asleep at night with all that is running through my mind. Ironically, I don't worry too much about cancer and/or dying right now. I worry more about our boys - about friends and homework and how (when angry) they default to saying, "I hate you" to both each other and to Shawn and I. I worry about the piles of laundry and a freezer filled with mystery food that would break my heart to throw away. I worry about friends and family and the troubles they've shared. I worry about my baby God-daughter who needs open heart surgery soon. I worry about friends whose kids are struggling with both physical health and mental illness.  I worry about the Australian fires and about Iran and what is happening in our world...just because I have cancer doesn't mean everything else has stopped.

A spiritual friend and prayer-warrior who has been helping me throughout this "battle" with cancer is a man named Deacon Brian Kerby. And he inspired a way to pray that has really brought me peace during all of this, so I wanted to describe it here - in case it can help someone else. Again, a big caveat that I am not pretending to be some guru. This is just my experience and I wanted to share it since I have been having big talks with some people about worry and fear and their trying to Trust in so much chaos.

This is what I do:

I sit (or kneel - I actually have a little stool that allows me to kneel but rest my rear on the stool at the same time).

I close my eyes and just be really quiet for about 2 minutes (if you have kids it helps to hide when you do this or they'll find you. Also, if you have a loud house/family, wearing noise-cancelling head phones is awesome). If total silence is too much, instrumental music is good too.

I picture (in my mind) Jesus on the Cross. This part can be hard if you aren't used to picturing Jesus Crucified. The first time I did this, I felt very sad and found it hard to picture anything but Jesus' feet because the blood bugged me. Don't worry. Just go with your imagination.

I take each worry I have (I actually picture each family member) and I place the worry/person into a wound on Jesus' body. For reference of the wounds - His head (the Crown of Thorns); His hands and feet; and His side where the soldier pierced Jesus' heart with his spear/lance. Here's an important point - Jesus died to take all of that suffering - He's already done it so you're not doing anything mean. Jesus wants and died to take your worry and suffering into Himself because He loves you. He has always loved you. He doesn't want you to hold on to that worry or person with a death grip. The Bible says, "It has been accomplished." Your holding on to people or suffering actually blocks your freedom (and possibly the freedom of the situation).  You let it go to let Jesus take care of it (a note that I do this almost every day, so it's not like you can't repeat the process).

THEN (yes, there is a step after that tough one), picture yourself walking past the Cross into the freedom of the Resurrection. "On earth as it is in heaven" means we shouldn't stop at the Cross - at the worry and suffering - it means that (since Jesus has already taken on all of that pain) - that He wants us to experience the spiritual power of AFTER - the Resurrection power. This step is where you sit in quiet and wait for God. God speaks in silence. If you think about it, all of the most amazing things in the world happen in total silence (shout out to the book the Power of Silence by Cardinal R. Sarah): The growth of trees, the conception of a baby, snow, rain, cell regeneration, whales swimming, the depth of the ocean, the movement of the planets, falling in love...I almost always end up picturing the meadows where we ride our 4-wheelers near the cabin. They are immense and quiet and I feel peaceful here. Lately, I've started to picture the ocean. These quiet moments are where I feel the Resurrection power of Christ. Everything is handled. Everything will be worked to the good. This is the place that I have come to peace that my eventual death will be ok...(whether sooner or later).

It's not magic, it's resting in what has already happened.

I know some people who have started to do this and it can really help calm anxiety and loneliness. I know that it can completely change the outlook of my day.

Chemo#12 tomorrow. I pray that it will be the last one.
As always, Jesus, I trust in you.