Never A dull MOMENT

Hip surgery went well. Honestly, it went great and was fast and the (different than regular) hospital was nice and the nurses were all in their 30's, so it was calm and enjoyable actually. My parent stayed with the boys, which was great and so we didn't need to worry. I was discharged without any issues on Thursday (just one night). After my last hospital stay, this was nothin' 

Here's me after my surgery! I can eat whatever I want (A Mary Beth Diet Coke cheers!)

Of course, nothing can just run smoothly around here ;) Friday before bed, I began running a temp of 102 degrees (on our little home thermometer - honestly, it never registered that high again). "Over 101" was the direction to return to the hospital. We couldn't get the temp to go down, so we started debating which hospital to go to....the one where Id had surgery an hour away or my "home away from home" Hospital right down the street. 

Eventually, we settled for the emergency room down the street. I wasn't even sure what was wrong at this point, so I wanted to "go where I know. "

Well, after a few hours in the emergency room - where I got a CT scan, a sonogram of my leg and every blood test you can think of- they still couldn't figure out where the infection causing my temp spike was coming from. 

Seriously, this is cancer, my friends. All this weird, unexplained stuff. 

What the ER doctor did decide is that I had to at least stay 24 hours while they grew cultures of any infections in my blood. 

So, I was off to the 8th floor. 

You know the one - I spent 2 months there in March and April? 

Because God is good, my GI specialist was on call and came to see me right away. The nurses recognized me one after the other ("Bridgette! You're back!") and I didn't have a blockage or weird pains...just a fever and explainable leg pain 

Oh, and Shawn could STAY! As long as he wanted. Which turned out to be until about midnight because he really did need some sleep.  But he was able to come back around 7am on Saturday morning and we were able to chat and call doctors to see what everything meant. 

Eventually, Dr N (my GI specialist ) pulled a few strings and got me out on Sunday. There was nothing anyone was doing in the hospital. Fr. Nathan did stop by and say Mass and we were able to chat and discuss what it all means. Because I might need to change my chemo plan again...but we're not sure. I am just so happy to be home and to hang out with my boys and Shawn. plenty of time for meetings about cancer, but I'll keep you posted. 

Jesus, I trust in You.

Hip Surgery Wed

I feel like I've been putting off blogging which makes me sad. The truth is that we've been really busy (cancer busy - not "fun trip" busy). First, I finished up with my left hip radiation. The pain has definitely lessened and we're hoping that the radiation will help kill that cancer.

Wed, July 22, was Shawn and my 20th wedding anniversary. We celebrated with dinner with the boys and by praying the Rosary with me in my pajamas. I had plans of Hawaii and/or Cabo and swimming and dancing. Actually, we were thinking we were going to throw a big party for our family and friends...but my LEAST favorite "C's" (Cancer and Covid) cancelled all of that.

 I also did see the Orthopedic surgeon and he said it was fairly urgent that I have a rod (they say pin, but it's a rod) put into my right femur to keep the bone from fracturing.

Quite frankly, I'm fairly stuck in my house right now because my doctors have said not to use my leg too much and not without a walker (not the cool modern commercial walker, but the old lady silver kind that needs tennis balls).

Praise God that my youngest brother, Tim, came to visit over the weekend:

And Sunday afternoon, my parents officially moved part-time to Denver (3 months on - 3 months off) and another of my brothers, Mike,  helped them drive out and move in to the beautiful tiny house they bought (not a "tiny" tiny house- the actual size of the house). It's been a fairly full house since Sunday and it's so good to have other people here to buffer the emotions and decisions. And Mike is a trainer with a lot of knowledge, so he was able to give a lot of advice and he could also just hang out with Shawn.

Going forward, I have surgery at 7:30am MST on Wed 7/29. The plan is for me to spend one night in the hospital. And - little miracle - Shawn can stay and visit all day. It's pretty great timing. I'm scared it will hurt but we've been praying that it happens quickly if it's God's will. Covid makes scheduling iffy everywhere.

The one beautiful moment we had (I'm going to try and get the video my brother took) was the serious, solemn blessing Fr Nathan gave us for our 20th anniversary. You can only get these blessings on significant anniversaries. It was beautiful.

General Update

It's been about 17 days since I posted...there are a lot of small things happening. First, my MRI showed that my right hip has significant cancer spread and is in danger of fracturing. I see the Orthopedic surgeon on Thursday and he'll most likely recommend that I have a pin put into my hip. Until then, I am using a walker to keep my hip safe.

My 10 sessions of radiation on the left hip are 1/2 way done. There is not much to the radiation in general. So far, I still have pain in the hip, so I hope that the next four sessions take the pain away.  We'll see.

Everything seems to be going well with the new chemo. So far so good, I guess.

We were blessed to have a special guest of sorts in our house...a lovely man here has a giant statue of Mary that was sent to him from St. Pope John Paul II. Karl (the owner) brings the statue to people who need prayer. We prayed the Rosary everyday as a family. It was a blessed week.

As we travel far into the summer and everyone wonders what the fall will bring, we are trusting that God holds the future. We've been enjoying time as a family and short visits from friends we love. My parents will be here soon and Shawn and I have a big anniversary coming.

Also, I've been holding on the the words of Jesus to St. M Faustina
"...the greater the misery of a soul; the greater it's right to my mercy..." 1182
I'm hoping for all of that mercy right now.

2nd chemo drug begins

It has been a special week...ending with our plans to head to the cabin tonight.

Tuesday, I was blessed to be prayed over virtually by a powerful prayer ministry - the Intercessors of the Holy Trinity. I was told that there were 1300 people who viewed the prayer service. Click here if you are interested in the service. Shawn and I sat at home and watched while the leaders called on the Holy Spirit to heal me. Lots of tears and trust.

The next day, I began the second new chemo drug that is a part of my new protocol - and we are trusting that this will be Jesus' vehicle to heal my body. I have to say that my leg is in a great deal of pain and I try to pray against it. We're hoping that this pain comes from the chemo fighting the cancer (this is what happened in the first twelve rounds and the pain went away as the cancer shrank). We have hope because my friend who is also on this protocol had her extreme pain disappear after a few weeks.

I hope and pray that you all have an awesome 4th of July. We'll be at the cabin enjoying some much needed screen-free family time. I hope you all have a great weekend as well.

Day 5 of the new drug protocol

First, thank you for the posts and the messages. You are all so encouraging and I am beyond grateful to have words of hope from new friend, old friends and complete strangers. Welcome into my world of crazy.

I began the new chemo drugs (orally) on Thursday. The only big complication has been that I get fairly sick after taking all 17 drugs (or more depending on the day), so I have added Zofran (an anti-nausea drug) 30 minutes before I take the drugs with milk.  It's only been 5 days, so there are no big changes.

My best news is that my friend/acquaintance who is also on these meds just let me know that there was "TREMENDOUS improvement" in her scans. I do not have details yet but she was very excited. Literally nothing has worked for her up to this point. Only this drug regimen. So I have hope.

I have been trying very hard to pray. Shawn and I are still saying the Rosary every day, but I struggle to talk to Jesus when I feel so bad. But, today I prayed and this was the Psalm read at Mass today:

PSALMS 34:2-9

1I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. 2My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and be glad. 3O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! 4I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. 5Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed. 6This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. 7The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 8O taste and see that the LORD is good! Happy is the man who takes refuge in him!

...My soul boasts in the Lord; I feel afflicted but I will hear and be glad...I have a message of hope today and I am surrounded by love. 

And to totally change the subject, Just a couple of quick photos of more covid-crazy happening at our house. It's good to laugh sometimes!!

Update a litte late

Thank you for your patience with this update. I've been getting a lot of texts asking how everything is going and so I know that I'm moving a little too slowly with posts.

It's been quite a couple of weeks.

First, I have to let everyone know that my latest scans were "disappointing" (read "not good"). The cancer has grown and spread a bit which means that the chemo that had worked so well all year is no longer working. Sadly, this is what everyone expects when it comes to chemo. But we were still bummed.

Also, a small sadness is that the tiny hole I have in my intestines (hence, the drain) is healing but not healed...so I still have my buddy the drain. Even though it's not draining anything. I have to wait 4 weeks to have it tested again.

So, because of my scan results, Dr. NP (my oncologist) recommended a new type of chemo (there are about 4 lines of chemo total). I didn't have a treatment this week because we've been discussing all of this. Shawn and I immediately started to pray.  I have been praying a novena (9 consecutive days of prayers) to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

It's another Catholic thing that we believe that Jesus' heart burns with love for the entire world. The image that is used is a heart surrounded by a crown of thorns with flames coming from the top of Jesus' heart. The Sacred Heart has always been incredibly special to me. The idea that Jesus burns with love for me has always given me hope. So, it was natural that I would pray the novena leading up to the Feast of the Sacred Heart (that was celebrated last Friday).

On Friday, Shawn and I talked to Dr Cantrell (my repurposed drug oncologist) and he recommended a completely different protocol of chemo drugs that he's been seeing incredible success with his patients. I have an acquaintance who is also working with Dr Cantrell (I recommended him to her) and she has been on this protocol for 11 weeks. I called her to hear what her experience has been. In that time, her pain (that was debilitating) has completely disappeared. She has scans this coming Friday but she - along with a number of Dr C's other patients - feels like she has her life back after starting this regimen.

We decided that I will try Dr Cantrell's regimen first. A major bonus is that these are oral chemo meds I'll be taking and the side effects are way less. No more 6 days of sickness for these two months as we wait and see how it all works.

And if it doesn't work, we have already met with Dr NP and she will still be working with us and meeting with me every two weeks to see what's happening and how everything is going. Dr NP is so humble and open. She expressed her concerns with us but was and is very open to Dr C's protocol. She's actually going to call him to discuss the plan.

Still, I am stepping into the breach and doing something new and different. There is not a lot of data. There are only a few success stories (not any failures, though). It would be wonderful to feel more like I did in December.

We are choosing to trust. Obviously, the entire situation is scary. But we are praying every day and asking for God's Will and trusting that it will be the best. And I'm hoping that my hair will grow back while I take this different chemo.

One year anniversary of diagnosis

I was first diagnosed with cancer on June 14th of last year. So much has happened in the world lately that I can't even say if it's gone quickly or slowly.

I can say how grateful I am to still be alive.

We went to the cabin Sunday. It was really great. Just sitting in the beauty makes me feel closer to God.

This week is incredibly medically busy. I have a PET scan tomorrow to see how everything is working. Wednesday, I have a check of the drain I've been wearing for a few months. Hopefully, what ever was wrong is totally healed and I'll have the drain removed. Thursday, another round of chemo.

Shawn and I have been reflecting on the changes of this one month with my health. I am still working hard to build my strength, but I am doing much better than even a month ago. This gives me hope. I was able to ride a 4-wheeler today and help do some dishes...
So I go that going for me.

Jesus, I trust in You. Mary, please pray for me.

Chemo #15 + 6 days

Thank you, Thank you for all of your prayers!! Thank you for the texts and emails and flowers and a very special book I am starting to read...and thank you to Michelle for this:

The mystery is solved and chemo is definitely causing my nausea. Woo-ee did it not get better this round. And I am a baby, so I complained about it a lot (and cried like said baby) to my husband. But, true to form, after about 6 days, I am feeling better and ate semi-regularly and was able to take all of my meds and walk up the street (such a warrior).

Here's a recent photo of myself. I post this because I am vain and I am not looking great. But I'm smiling and outside (above ground and eating solid food). Also, I just want to attest that almost everything I valued about my pre-cancer life (that was about myself) has turned out to mean nothing to me. I just want to BE HERE. So, here I am. 

I read the most grammatically awkward (but really beautiful in meaning) quote today on the rc daily mediation: 

God the Father is incapable of not desiring what is truly best for us. God is and will always be love.

God is INCAPABLE of desiring anything but the best for us. It is outside of His nature.
Trust me, as I sit here with wonky bowels and spots of cancer in important places with young sons and a husband who desperately loves me, I can think, "How can this be best?" I know that everyone reading this has suffered something that does not seem best...

...but God is and will always be love. I have had to remind myself of this over and over these past six days.

And then something will happen and a tiny prayer is answered - one I only whisper. I'll see (or speak to) an old friend and they will remind me that I am an incredibly blessed woman. I'll read a post on social media and feel sorry for someone else. Me. the woman with stage 4 cancer. And I'll realize that I have come to desire only what is truly best for these friends and semi-strangers who I barely know.

I'm just glad I don't need to decide what that is.

God is and will always be love.

And now I need to go help discipline my children who continue in the COVID-lockdown crazy,

Back to chemo tomorrow

First, Thank you everyone for the outpouring of love and support and prayers I've been receiving. I am teary eyed every time I read a text or email or IM. I just thank God for the people who surround me even if we don't really know each other.

It helps more than I can say as I prepare for chemo tomorrow.

I will most likely not post for the next 4 or 5 days but I will know that you are praying and that I have a firm hope.

It is such a strange tine right now in our world. But I have experienced a great outpouring of love. Thank you so much and talk soon,

B

Update - chemo #3/14

"Surrender is true love. The more we surrender, the more we love God and souls...There is no limit to God's love." Mother Teresa

This was the theme of my prayer today. I will say it's been hard to start fighting all over again - tough to take walks (I make it up our street now) - tough to eat when I have no real appetite. I weigh 146 lbs now - a full 20 lbs less than this date last year. I never had a working GI tract during my last 12 rounds of chemo...and I've been surprised at how nauseas I've been after the last 2 chemo treatments. If you know me at all, you know I have a major aversion to vomit. Sadly, I've become a major "vomit-er" and think it might even be my brain rebelling on me.

And it's been equally hard to return to anything like my previous (to the hospital stay) prayer life. I feel as though I am stumbling through a limbo period. I want to hope. I want to trust. I want to believe with my whole heart.

I realized today that this is my challenge to surrender. That it's not some major act of my will. Surrender is accepting that I can't do any of what I listed. It just doesn't come. Not right now.

So I sit through my prayer times and I cry. And I remember that Mother Teresa didn't hear God's voice for many years. But all of those miracles still happened when she asked because she must have just closed her eyes and said, "God will take care of it." And she kept living the life He had asked her to live years before His silence.

I still have a big life even in this ridiculous pandemic.

As life slowly starts to open and our country experiences tragedy after tragedy (God bless the soul of George Floyd and bring peace and justice for his family), I will continue to pray and to cry out that I understand that there truly is no limit to God's love. And that will be enough.

 

Radiation

"I have never heard [God] speak, but I feel that he is in me, that at every moment he is guiding me, inspiring me with what I should say or do. Just when I need it I discover lights that I had not seen before. It is not usually during my prayer that they are most abundant but rather amidst my daily occupations."  St. Therese of Lisieux 

Today I had an appointment with a radiologist. Because of the pain in my hip (the spread), my oncologist recommended I have a consultation with the doctor who would perform the radiation. Shawn and I were able to both meet with her - even in this time of quarantine - which was one of our prayers. The other prayer was that we would know what to do about the radiation. We didn't really understand it or what the point was.

It is interesting to me that radiation is mainly (almost entirely) for pain management. At least, that is the only reason I would be receiving radiation. I do have considerable pain in my hip, but I am hoping (and it happened before) that the chemo will both stop the spread and dull the pain.

What was hopeful for me is that the radiologist agreed with me that I should go through this next treatment of chemo and see what happens. "There is no rush to radiation" was the direct quote. Also, the doctor said, "It's important for me to see the patient and looking at you, I would only plan on one treatment of radiation. Looking at your history of these last few months, I am surprised at how great you look."

Since hearing that my cancer is more aggressive than anyone thought, we have been fighting the only way we know how. We are praying harder than we ever have, I've started all of the repurposed drugs again and I've been walking daily and reaching out to friends. My dear friend, Father Nathan, told me to remember that it's the devil who tries to keep us separate and so I'm trying my best to remember how I'm "surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses." My sweet boys and Shawn and being wonderful and I'm slowly connecting to people outside our little circle.

It was a light to me to have such a good meeting with the radiologist today. I know God was there. I am also challenging myself every morning to have 15 minutes of silence where I just sit with God. I am live-streaming Adoration to do this, but I think it can work in any context.

Because I want to trust like Therese of Lisieux. I need guidance and inspiration...now more than ever.

Scan and sickness updates and the End of School

Our eldest finishes Elementary school today - last day of classroom instruction for 8th graders at his school. We are all pretty excited about it and especially, D. It is so strange not to know what the fall holds and how the beginning of High School might be for him.

Stupid pandemic. I don't know about you, but I'm done with this whole thing.

Late posting of my last GI scan results: it looks like my GI tract is healing - PRAISE GOD - and I can now eat real foods and use my bottom like regular people. I mean, seriously, PRAISE GOD. I am still on the evening liquid nutrition and an every-8-hour IV which I receive through a pick line. Pick lines are similar to ports and everything that is administered goes straight into my blood stream. Shawn is responsible for connecting all of these things. We pray every night that we are almost done with my extra attachments.

A healthy GI also means I was able to have chemo last Thursday. Sadly, in the time it took to heal, most of my cancer has returned. Not the rectal tumor, ironically and gladly. A girl can only talk about her rectum so much. But that hip met (spread) has become a real problem. Please pray (or send positive thoughts) that my chemo can catch up with the cancer.  The chemo worked powerfully for me the last time, so there is still a lot of hope around here. I have also begun the repurposed medicine again which should work powerfully with the chemo.

Simultaneously, Shawn and I (and often our boys) pray the Rosary daily for my healing. I live-stream the prayer ministry of the Intercessors of the Holy Trinity on Tuesday nights. I have begun the Surrender Novena again because we believe that Jesus can heal me totally. I am not the kind of girl who can say that this means He will, because I know that people die. But He can and I will beg that He Does so that I can stay here with my boys and the Love of my Heart.

In all of this, I am most grateful to be at home and to be in a place that I am loved and cared for so well. I wish we could travel and spend time with the people we miss so much. We miss our extended families. We miss our friends.

We are praying for everyone who reads the blog and I beg you to pray for me and our family. God is Good and Loves us. Jesus, I trust in You.

A Busy week of medical action

I can't believe that it's already Tuesday. Time flies quickly When you're sitting around in your pajamas and not eating :)

But this week is ramping up. I had a tele-appointment with my GI doctor on Monday. Shawn says that he was very positive, but it's hard for me to interpret anything at this point. My home health nurse came today to take blood and vitals. She is wonderful and chatty and I really appreciate when she is here. Of course, I love my full-time nurse, Shawn, even more.

Tomorrow (Wed) I have yet another CT (ie: CAT) scan. This scan will hopefully say that I do not have any more internal "leaking" and will perhaps be able to eat a liquid diet. Worst case, I will get a third drain if there are any pockets of fluid where they aren't supposed to be.

In either case, I have chemo on Thursday. I'm honestly not sure how my body will do with all of these tests and treatments.

I totally appreciate the prayers and everyone who has reached out with encouragement.

This entire experience has opened my heart so much more to people who are struggling/suffering and who also find it hard to trust God. That has been my only prayer, that I can trust God and believe that His love is bigger than all of this. It's scary and sometimes painful...but I am choosing Trust.

Thank you for your prayers in advance (TIA, like the kids say).